Celebrities, Other Groups In Uproar Over ‘Game Of War’ Ads Starring Kate Upton

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Celebrities, Other Groups In Uproar Over 'Game Of War' Ads Starring Kate Upton

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The White Persons Movement, or WPM, is apparently very heated over a new commercial. Group President Peter Weinberg announced in his weekly press conference this morning that he has received a letter from group cabinet members stating that the ‘Game of War’ ads on the internet and television, which show off the busty, blonde, silky-skinned snowflake Kate Upton, are far ‘too sexy’ for men to handle, especially African-Americans.

“It is with love of our African-American brothers that we share our concern with the entire nation,” Weinberg said. “We here at the WAP are not racists, and we want to help our brown brethren. We know that most black men cannot resist the love of a busty white woman, and these ads go too far. Not to mention how mad their wives get when Upton’s breasts are dangerously close to exploding off television screens, computers and cell phones.”

Kim Kardashian-West has also spoke out against the advertisement recently. “I just think it is inappropriate, she has all her junk just poppin’ out. I mean really, like who does she think she is? She doesn’t even have a talent, does she?” Kardashian said . “It really pisses me off actually, everybody been talkin’ about her. I mean enough is enough, we are sick of you. A real woman doesn’t just put her stuff out there for the world to see.”

Even comedian Bill Cosby used the ads as material during a sold-out stand-up performance, “All I have to say is, Kate Upton! Now! Youuuu…seee…what I, as a black mannnnnn have to deal with? Bouncy, bouncy, Jello cups and Vanilla Puddin’ Pops! It is …ENOUGH…to drive a man to desperate measures! There is nothing as sexy as a good, healthy white woman!” Cosby explained with trademark silly faces.

Insurance Policy Canceled for Progressive Insurance Actress ‘Flo’

HOLLYWOOD, California – Insurance Policy Canceled for Progressive Insurance Actress ‘Flo’

“It was a simple oversight,” explains actress and comedian Stephanie Courtney, known to millions as the quirky Progressive Insurance spokesperson ‘Flo.’”

The actress’ insurance policy, covered under SAG-AFTRA, the radio and television artist’s union, lapsed last month.  Courtney, looking much older and more fatigued than her character ‘Flo,’ answered questions asked by Hunt Brickbacher of Entertainment Tonight.

“I belong to the actor’s union,” said the actress between yawns.  “No, Progressive does not pay my insurance.  No, my real name isn’t Flo.  No, I don’t own a car.  People forget, you know?  I just forgot.  The dues, I just … (yawn) forgot.  Does that cover it?” asked a visibly perturbed Courtney.  “Can I go home now?”

“I guess you’ve had to answer a lot of these questions,” asked Brickbacher.  “Your fans seem to find the irony kind of hilarious.  Progressive’s Facebook page has been flooded with comments.”

“Look, Progressive has me making around 350 commercial spots for tv and radio a year,” Courtney said.  That’s like, 30 every month.  Oh, dear God, that’s almost one a day!  I rehearse one spot while shooting another.  I’m exhausted.  That wig I wear weighs a ton, and the makeup has made my face looking like a damn sea sponge.  I bought some of that Proactiv Acne Solution for my skin, and they asked me if I wanted to be their spokesperson.  Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t do it.  There’s just no time — I don’t have the time — I don’t have time to do anything!”

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Trade publication Variety, as well as other gossip sites and blogs recently reported that a “rather odd insurance company spokesperson” had requested a hefty raise in salary, which was turned down.  Courtney refused to acknowledge whether the item was about her contract with Progressive, replying only cryptically, “Yeah, that was … no, I don’t — it wasn’t — I … I read about that and my agent said … she (yawn) said … no, it’s not about me and Progressive, I’m very happy with our arrangement so I’d have to comment ‘no say’ – I mean I’d have to say ‘no comment.’ More than likely it was the Geico gecko. He’s a real piece of work, you know?”

Many actors fear that being identified with one role would lead to typecasting — locking them into one role which would prove detrimental to their careers.  Courtney was realistic about the subject.  “I knew what I was getting into when I signed that contract.  Except maybe for the length of time that I would be bound to it and by all the extra extensions that I didn’t know about.  I was so happy to sign at first, I didn’t read the fine print.  I needed the job.  Many actors would kill for this kind of exposure. Kill.”

When asked how many more commercial spots were planned for the ‘Flo’ character, the actress replied, “Oh, Christ on the sticks, I don’t know.  I just need some sleep.  Where’s my – where did I put my phone?  Have you tried our new ‘Snapshot’ option?”  Courtney laughed uncontrollably for several moments before sighing heavily.

The actress then leaned forward, put her head down in her lap, and promptly fell asleep.  Brickbacher ended the interview by whispering, “So, that’s the story from Flo.  Reporting from the Progressive Insurance Theater in Hollywood, California, this is Hunt Brickbacher for ET.  Back to you in the studio!”

Disgustingly Named Frozen Treat Is A Big Hit With Kids

KANSAS CITY, Missouri – Disgustingly Named Frozen Treat Is A Big Hit With Kids

Gummy Worms; Creepy Crawlies; The Cootie Game — the more repulsive a brand name sounds, the more popular it becomes with kids.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you haven’t heard of “Blister Pops™,” a frozen mixture of sweetened, brightly colored syrup, packaged in bubble-wrap.  It’s the newest in-demand frozen treat aimed at kids.

When placed in the freezer, the blister packs expand, pop, and ooze the sweetened, semi-thickened fluid, which can be sucked directly out of the bubble, or through a syringe-shaped toy straw.

The product’s commercial jingle has become a nationwide “earworm,” and features a group of 8-year-olds pounding on a refrigerator door, chanting: I can’t wait ‘til my blisters POP!  I can’t wait ‘til my blisters POP!

“Kids love to be grossed out,” said Constance Feck, vice president of Unilever, owner of the Popsicle brand, one of the world’s most recognized frozen confectionary brand manufacturers. “The Blister Pops™ idea was pitched to us at the same time we were trying to re-invent some of our brands. Adults are eating less and less sugar, but when it comes to kids, they just can’t get enough.”

Parents and nutrition experts have expressed wildly mixed reactions about the controversial product.  Stay-at-home Mom Stella Christy finally had to give in to her son’s demands for the frozen treat.

“I was in frozen foods,” said Christy, from her local Price Chopper Supermarket, “And little Jeffy-Ray saw the Pops in the dessert case.  He recognized them from the commercial.  He wouldn’t let up until I got some, and just like in the commercial, he didn’t want to wait. He begged for them before we even got to the checkout.  Everyone kept looking at me like I was a bad mother because he kept asking if we had to wait ‘til his blisters popped!  I was embarrassed.  I went through the express line just as fast as I could.  I left many items behind.”

Controversy over Blister Pops™ has prompted a reaction from the nation’s First Lady, Michelle Obama.  In a statement released from The White House, Mrs. Obama said:

More and more unhealthy and empty calories are making up the bulk of our children’s diets.  My “Let’s Get Moving” initiative emphasizes a balance of exercise, healthy eating habits and snack foods in moderation.  Ultimately, it’s up to the parents, but if this frozen candy ends up as a school cafeteria menu item, I’m going to step in.

Feck understands the concerns and offered reassurances to concerned parents.  “Our Blister Pops™ are a fine addition to a healthy, balanced diet.  The Orange Blisters contain 50% of the minimum daily requirement of vitamin C, and that’s more than you get in a Florida orange!  The Black-And-Blueberry Blister has added calcium for strong bones and healthy teeth!  And if you get an actual burn,” added Feck, “you can apply any one of our blisters on your skin to prevent a blister!”

Popsicle brands plan to introduce more dessert and confectionary items aimed at the disturbed-youth market within the coming weeks.

Coming soon are Sweet ‘N’ Scabby Fruit Leathers, Pus-Ups, and Cand-Aids, citrus flavored chewing gum, in the shape of a Band-Aid.™  “We can’t wait until children from coast-to-coast tear those off and chew ‘em up!  We’re positive kids will love them!”

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