J.K. Rowling Reportedly Broke, Announces New Harry Potter Book

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J.K. Rowling Reportedly Broke, Announces New Harry Potter Book

LONDON, England – 

J.K. Rowling informed her fans she was working on the 8th part of ‘Harry Potter’ saga. She first announced it on her Facebook page early Friday morning, and then confirmed the information in a few interviews with local media.

When asked what is the next part going to be about, Rowling said it would describe the eternal fight between good and evil. This answer didn’t satisfy either journalists or her fans, so she had to add some details.

“In summary, Harry Potter leads a peaceful, lovely life with his wife and children, until one day his scar hurts again, and burns like fire. In this moment Harry understands: it’s Voldemort rising from the dead,” said Rowling. “The malicious wizard is back, stronger and more dangerous than ever before. The battle for life begins, or rather reactivates. One more time Harry has to save his loved ones and the whole world.”

Rowling said her decision was dictated by an inner need to bring back Harry Potter, mostly because she is flat broke.

“She, at one point, was one of the wealthiest people in the world, and the wealthiest woman in England,” said financial analyst Mark Cummings of the New York Weekly. “Sadly, the sales of her post-Potter books are just dreadful. Bringing Harry back is the only way that Rowling would be able to maintain her current lifestyle, or else she’d end up back on the streets, homeless once again and scrawling notes on diner napkins.”

Rowling was reportedly recently seen in a London bank, asking for a loan of £1000 ($1550 USD), which was refused. An anonymous friend of Rowling’s has hinted that the writer may have severe gambling problems. “It’s true – she lost most of her fortune betting on real-life Quidditch matches. It’s just so strange, and so sad. Did you even know that Quidditch was a real game? My mind was totally blown.”

Rowling said the book should be ready within three months. Some Harry Potter fans say it can not be a success, yet plenty of them are looking forward to the publication. The preparation has already started. Readers and avid fans are already buying magical gadgets, such as hats, capes and wands, to use while dressing up during book launches around the world.

 

Stephen King To Revolutionize Book Industry; New Novel To Be Printed Directly Onto Live Horses

Stephen King To Revolutionize Book Industry; New Novel To Published Exclusively On Live Horses

 

BANGOR, Maine – 

Book critics have long been awaiting Stephen King’s next move. The horror master has long been seen as an innovator of unexpected novelties in modern day fiction. In 2000 he began an online serialization, which was the first of its kind. Later that year, he became the first popular author to publish a full-length story entirely in digital format.

With King’s recent announcement that he was working on something “never seen or even considered before,” the literary world has barely been able to contain its excitement. And on Thursday afternoon, the prolific author did not fail to disappoint.

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“In just sixty days,” he announced on his website, “I will be releasing my next novel. It is a maudlin story about a young boy who learns to speak to animals, and uncovers a world of terror and madness within their tortured brains. In staying with the theme, the novel will be printed exclusively on live horses. Each copy will span the length of three full grown stallions, and will not be on sale. Readers will be able to buy access to ranches being built around the world specifically for publication of my novels.”

Publishing houses across the globe have hailed King’s revelation as a masterstroke. Thomas Bernstein, spokesperson for King’s longtime publisher Simon & Schuster, discussed with the press how the author came upon this piece of genius, and how it will change the literary world.

“I think everyone in the writing business will agree that the past decade has been hard on the industry,” he explained. “With internet piracy flourishing no matter what measures have been taken against it, revenue has dropped drastically, and an alternative needed to be found. We believe that Stephen has found the solution. No writing implements or digital devices will be allowed onto the ranches, so that unless the reader has a photographic memory, there is no chance he or she can create a copy of King’s works.”

While the response from the public has been mostly positive, Young Adult fiction writer and YouTube vlogger John Green, best known for his book The Fault In Our Stars, has heavily criticized the project.

“We’re in an age where literature is becoming widely available to those who, in the past, could not afford more than one book a year,” he complained on his YouTube channel. “Authors should not be so concerned about the money they make, and rather worry about getting their work out to as many readers as possible.”

As of this writing, John Green’s rant has garnered 14 million views – amounting to around $200,000 in advertising revenue.

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