CHICAGO, Illinois – 

In the past week, residents of Chicago have found a total of 3 gym bags filled with money. The bags were placed in different spots around the city, and so far residents, as well as local officials, are at a loss for where the money is coming from.

The first bag, found by Charles Gordon, 28, contained over $35,000. It was simply left under a bench on a bus stop.

“Craziest thing that ever happened to me,” said Gordon, a fitness instructor. “Thing of it was, I never would have found it if my car hadn’t broken down that day. There I was, cursing my crappy life, and I find a bag with enough money to be a new car. Heck, two new cars if I wanted!”

The second bag, found hanging in a tree in a downtown-area park, contained over $80,000. The third, which contained an astounding $200,000 was found on a school playground.

“The bag was on the top of a slide, but the ladder was removed,” said the lucky finder, who wished to remain anonymous. “I saw the bag sitting up there when I was, uh, well. You know, I don’t really have a good explanation for why I was at an elementary school in the middle of the day. But screw you, I don’t need an explanation, now. I’m rich! It did take me almost an hour to climb up the slide from the wrong side, though. Damn, those things are slippery.”

Inside each bag is a short, hand-written note. All three have had the same message: ‘There will be more. Look for it. Be ready.’

Residents of Chicago are now on a wild scavenger hunt. People are running on the streets with shovels, ladders, and binoculars. Sadly, many area also carrying knifes, baseball bats, lead pipes, and other weapons. Some incidents of violence have already occurred, including yesterday when two men and a woman got into a fight after they all noticed a bag in front of a supermarket. It turned out the bag belonged to a tourist who wanted to buy beers in the shop and left his luggage outside. All 3 were taken to local hospitals and treated for minor injuries, and later arrested for assault.

Now, it also seems that fake bags are being placed around the city as gags. “I found a gym bag yesterday and I was so happy, but then I opened it and found a little, creepy clown toy inside of it, not money,” says Sara Moore, a resident of Chicago. “It seems that someone is trying to trick us. I just wanted some money, damnit!” Other residents have reported that they have found bags containing monopoly money, discarded porno magazines, used underwear, and human hair.

Authorities are asking residents to remain reasonable when seeking out these large sums of cash, and to please take care of each other’s safety.