Online Comments Spark Feud Between Sam Smith, Pantera

LOS ANGELES, California –

Comments written by fans on YouTube have stirred up an unlikely feud between singer-songwriter Sam Smith and heavy metal band Pantera. The conflict started when commenter biebersuckscock wrote in the comments of Stay With Me, “all u ppl who lik dis shit dont no wat reel music is pantera kills sam smith!!!1”

Smith fan manginamonologue responded on Pantera’s classic Revolution is my Name, “Do you term this racket music? I call it unidentifiable, expletive-laden filth, that holds no status among momentous artists of Sam’s ilk.”

Fans of both artists then entered unrelentingly into the online furor, eventually leading to Sam Smith himself speaking out.

“Pantera can suck my dick!” shouted Smith, under layers of black make-up at a recent concert. “Who gives a f*** about them anymore? They’s nobodies. All hail the devil of the music underground, Sam Smith!”

Pantera uploaded a video in response, including all three remaining members of the now defunct band standing solemnly with their arms around each other.

“We’re all quite devastated with Sam’s unfair attack on us,” drummer Vinnie Paul says in the understated recording. “We’ve all been fans of his since he was still an amateur singing on YouTube, and we’ve even been experimenting as a Sam Smith cover band – we need to make money somehow.”

Lead vocalist Phil Anselmo then states, “All we want is an apology. This fighting has hurt us to the core, and we are sure it is just a misunderstanding. We know that Sammy is mature enough to acknowledge the unintended pain caused by his actions, and we can all put this behind us.”

Smith has been quoted, unofficially, as saying, “Oh my God, they’re such pussies. ‘Ooooh, we’re so sad, he hurt our feeeelings.’ They must just wash the sand out of their vaginas and go back to jacking each other off in parking lots.”

LOS ANGELES, California –

There has been an outpouring of fan support for singer-songwriter and Grammy nominee Sam Smith, after he confessed earlier this week to actually being a middle-aged black man. The admission came after months of speculation, founded mainly on the assessment of vocal experts who expressed scepticism that Smith was young and white.

“There are certain tonalities, which…well, if you’re not a middle-aged black man, are almost impossible,” said Mike Cohen, long-time writer for Rolling Stones magazine. “In all my years in the business, I have never heard a voice like his come from anywhere but the mouth of an African American, usually over the age of forty.”

Another source, speaking on condition of anonymity, admitted that his suspicions were already confirmed when he saw the crooner performing at a recent concert.

“Maybe a white guy could pull that off,” he said. “But it would be unnatural. You’d know by the contortions of his lips that that was not his natural voice. Sam’s voice, however, flows from his tongue like warm honey, as if it was born there. It left me no doubt that the man on stage was black.”

Many of his long-time followers have stated that they “already knew,” and were leaving it to him to decide when to expose his secret. They further said that they supported his choice – that “what he does with his skin color and age is his choice, and [they’ll] love him no matter what”.

A minority of fans, however, are expressing their anger and disappointment on YouTube videos of the admittedly aging star. They say that they feel betrayed, like everything he claimed to be was a lie. Some went so far as to decry his revelations as unnatural, and against the word of God.

“It’s pretty obvious that he’s not only a fraud, but a sick pervert,” said one angry youth. “What kind of a person leads people on like that, causing them to love him, and then breaking their hearts with this deviant lifestyle?”

Sam Smith used his Twitter account to express his gratitude to those who have supported him, and to affirm that, at the very least, he is actually gay – so there’s that to hang onto.