Shock-Rocker Marilyn Manson Reveals He Was Adopted, Says Nicolas Cage Is Biological Brother

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Shock-Rocker Marilyn Manson Reveals He Was Adopted, Says Nicolas Cage Is Biological Brother

 

HOLLYWOOD, California –

During a shockingly candid fact-filled interview on WEMP-FM radio in Smithdale, Caifornia, 46-year-old shock-rock superstar and part-time actor Marilyn Manson, aka Brian Hugh Warner, revealed to host Metal Mike Monroe that he was adopted at the age of two from August and Joy Coppola, who are the parents of actor Nicolas Cage (born Nicolas Coppola) also making him the nephew of legendary movie director Francis Ford Coppola.

Manson shared personal and intimate details behind the adoption.

“There was just too much talent in the family. August Ford Coppola, my biological father, was a professor of literature, and my biological mother, Joy, was a highly regarded and respected dancer and choreographer. Nick was five years older than me, and already was showing the ability and talent of a gifted actor by the time I was born,” Manson explained.

Nicolas Cage changed his last name from Coppola to Cage at an early age to avoid the appearance of nepotism, being that his uncle Francis Ford Coppola was already a legend in the Hollywood circuit.

Manson said that he became an uncontrollably evil, girl-crazed hellion when he was in his terrible-twos, and the Coppolas simply could not contain his wild streak.

“The day I turned two-years-old, my parents threw a party for me and I had got into the fridge and got one of August’s beers, and before anyone noticed, I drank the whole thing, then ran around the house ripping the diapers off of all the other toddlers at the party. All the other the parents watched the scene in shocked horror,” Manson stated. “So eventually I was adopted by the Warner family, and kept away from society most of my childhood due to my inappropriate youthful behavior – which I never grew out of by the way.”

Chicago Man’s Suicide Prompted By Emotional Animal Cruelty Prevention Commercials

CHICAGO, Illinois – Chicago Man's Suicide Prompted By Emotional Animal Cruelty Prevention Commercials

Marcus Knowles, 37, a resident of East Garfield Park on the East side of Chicago, reportedly took his own life yesterday, and according to the Chicago Police Department, Knowles left a note stating that he had been driven over the edge by the emotional commercials issued by the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. The commercials typically show sad, battered, and starving pets, accompanied by music of a very melancholy nature, such as the popular Sarah Mclachlan song In the Arms of an Angel.

In the letter, Knowles stated that he wishes that everyone would just have given all their money to the ASPCA, if it meant that they didn’t make any more of the commercials.

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“The commercials are some of the most depressing things I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Knowles in his letter. “I had a wonderful life, travelled the world, and saw everything I wanted to see. I have no family, but I have made lots of friends and plenty of money in my life. Everything was going great, until I saw that commercial. The sad, crying eyes of the dogs. The matted fur of the little kittens. And the song. I have been crying for days, and there is only so much a man can take.”

Knowles, who lived in an apartment complex, was not allowed to have his pets in his building, and was apparently distraught that he couldn’t help the animals.

“There is nothing I can do to help these sad creatures. I cannot live if I cannot help these depressed animals. To everyone in my life who matters, I am sorry. I am leaving every penny I have to the ASPCA, and I advise you to do the same, lest you see this same fate as me.”

Police say that this is the 14th suicide they’ve seen in the last year because of the overly depressing ASPCA commercials.  They have reached out to the organization to get them to find a new approach to their marketing.

“I’d be just as likely to donate if they showed happy children playing with well-fed puppies. And at least I wouldn’t weep for hours or have to dive for the remote to change the channel,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of the Chicago Police Department. “I love animals, and no one wants to see them in that state. The people of Chicago, and probably the entire country – they love their animals so much. Please, for everyone’s sake, donate today.”

 

Casey Anthony Adopts 3-Year-Old Girl From Florida Foster Care Center

ORLANDO, Florida – Casey Anthony Adopts 3-Year-Old Girl From Florida Foster Care Center

Public court records reveal that Casey Anthony has adopted a 3-year-old girl from the Florida Foster Care and Adoption Agency. Casey Anthony is the infamous mother accused in the murder of her then 2-year-old daughter Caylee, in the 2011 trial that riveted the nation. Anthony and her lawyers were somehow able to overcome a mountain of evidence and, in a verdict that shocked the world, was found not guilty by a jury of people who must have been some of the stupidest people alive.

“I take my job seriously, and all applicants for adoption go through a rigorous screening process. I have to look at the facts, and the fact is, Casey was found not guilty in the murder of her natural-born daughter,” said Martha McDonald, the social worker in charge of the adoption. “The other fact is, we need to find homes for children in the foster care system. Casey filed all the paperwork properly, she has a home, a part-time job, and I think she just wants to have a normal life and have a family again. I wish their new family all the best, and I will probably check in with them from time to time, if I think of it, to make sure everything is okay – at least for the first month or two.”

Reporters found Anthony unboxing hammers for a display at the Home Depot, where she apparently works part-time as an associate. “Yup, it’s true. I’m going to be a mom again! I’m happy. Maggie, that’s my new daughter’s name, by the way, Maggie – she is happy. I just want to forget that whole former life and tragedy surrounding it, and move on. Maggie and I have a lot to look forward to. She’s excited about her new pre-school, we are having a pool installed, and I met a wonderful man. I just have to change his mind about not wanting children, though. Life is certainly looking up!”

 

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