Austrian Scientists ‘Months Away’ From Cloning First Dinosaur

GRAZ, Austria – Austrian Scientists 'Months Away' From Cloning First Dinosaur

Fresh on the heels of her discovery of a new species of flying spider, Professor Althea Thoone stunned the scientific community once again with her announcement that scientists in Austria, working in conjunction with geneticists in the United States, are “months away” from successfully cloning a dinosaur.

The discovery of pre-historic dinosaur dung in a hilly region of Austria was the first step in the long road toward the eventual cloning experiments, as Dr. Thoone explained during an international teleconference.  “Once we found the dinosaur poo,” said Professor Thoone, “the question then became, ‘could we find some biological matter within that was not fossilized?’  One of my Austrian colleagues joked ‘Now we’ve put our foot in it!’  He had the lecture hall in stitches.”

Scientists in Austria were able to extract genetic information from the dung by a process very close to what oil and gas engineers in the U.S. call “fracking,” or hydraulic fracturing.

“This was a much like a ‘fracking’ operation, but on a much smaller scale,” explained Dr. Thoone.  “It was a fascinating process,” she added.

A series of chemicals was injected into the fossilized dinosaur dung until a solution could be extracted and examined through a spectrometer.  Once the spectrometer read the information, technicians were able to identify which dinosaur had produced the dung, and whether or not material necessary for the duplication could be obtained.

“As luck would have it,” explained Prof. Thoone, “we were able to extract enough material from the dinosaur feces to give us enough genetic material to produce a viable dinosaur clone!”

The dinosaur that left his or her droppings for scientists to enjoy roughly 193 million years ago was a Dilophosaurus from the Early Jurassic Period, a dinosaur most people will recognize as the “frilled neck” creature they saw in the Stephen Spielberg film Jurassic Park.

The scientific community is awaiting the results of the Austrian cloning experiments with the kind of anticipation not felt in decades.

“We’re all very excited,” said Prof. Thoone.  “First flying spiders, and now, the reappearance of a dinosaur that roamed the earth nearly 200 million years ago!  We foresee having some fascinating results to announce to the world very, very soon!”

Genetically Modified ‘Self-Knitting’ Sheep Threaten Wool Industry

EDINBURGH, Scotland – Genetically Modified 'Self-Knitting' Sheep Threaten Wool Industry

In 1996, the world’s first successfully cloned mammal, Dolly, a Finn Dorset sheep, was born.  Dolly died in 2003 at the age of 6. Since then, advancements in genetic engineering, controversial as they may be, have continued with astonishing results.

Scottish scientists again made history with the recent announcement that Dabney, a ‘self-knitting’ sheep, was produced through advanced genetic engineering.  Dabney has been genetically altered to produce wool in patterned alignment.  When sheared, Dabney’s wool pleats itself into shapes that can be easily packaged and shipped straight from the farm to raw wool dispensaries or individual clients.  The wool can be knitted into patterns more quickly than non-genetically altered wool, with unskilled workers able to produce the same volume that more experienced wool gatherers have produced in the past.

As a result, raw wool prices have begun to drop significantly, threatening the Scottish Woolen Trade.

The raw wool movement has come to dominate the industry.  “It was the hipsters that created the demand,” said Trudy Fales, President of the International Wool Council.  “They’ve revolutionized the industry.  All those old sweaters, caps, and bags were more than just a fashion statement – they were a game-changer for the industry.”

“Since there is only one Dabney,” said Fales, “prices are probably going to stay high, until another litter of genetically altered sheep is produced.”

An anonymous source within the Scottish biotechnology firm that created Dabney said, “There’s only one. We’ve tried to produce more, but we’ve given them all we’ve got.”

Time will tell if the global woollen industry will be able to maintain the dominance it has held since the 17th century.

Kanye West’s DNA Used To Clone and Breed Guinea Pigs

LOS ANGELES, California – empire-news-kanye-west-dna-used-to-clone-and-breed-guinea-pigs

The proposed business merger between Kayne West and biotechnology company PPL Therapeutics came to a grinding halt Tuesday, when the first of a brood of cloned guinea pigs were found to have a nearly 90% mortality rate. Of the original 86 live births from a synthetic womb, a full 77 were found to possibly be suicidal.

While initially confused by the trend, science has found an explanation to the phenomenon, although a confusing and disturbing one.

The facility where the cloned animals were to be housed had been equipped with watering systems made of hypoallergenic, germ and virus resistant and highly reflective polished steel cages. According to lab personnel, the guinea pigs were found in groups of three or four a day, drowned in the watering troughs they shared. At first, lab management states, they were confused. Further investigation using low-light cameras revealed that the animals were, in fact, voluntarily placing their heads in the trough and staying underwater, apparently only surviving if they passed out and fell over before brain death set in.

Several attempts to alter the water with mood suppressants had failed, and the facility was beginning to lose hope on solving this puzzle. Finally, in an act of mercy, one employee removed one of the suicidal animals, which is strictly against lab policy. Planning to give it a happy home in it’s final days, the nameless employee placed it in an unused fish tank. Providing it with a plastic bowl of water and some fresh hay daily, the employee was amazed to find that the guinea pig was dry and alert every morning, in contrast to the wet and stunned symptoms they had all displayed daily. Upon alerting facility staff to the find, experimentation started and quickly found the source of the lemming-like behavior.

“We were able to narrow the issue down to one of housing,” stated a lab PR agent. “In the facility’s case, we have water troughs with highly reflective surfaces on the bottom, which allow the rodents to gaze at their own reflection. They were failing to come up for air and had shown an alarming tendency towards self-destruction. Upon covering the trough bottoms with non-reflective surfaces, the remaining specimens lost all interest in death, and enjoyed their nice hay and snuggles.”

“We know now that playing God with Kayne West’s genetic material may have been too bold a step for us. There are powerful drives in his genes, chief amongst which is the desire to stare at one’s reflection to the point of ignoring all pain and disorientation.”

The research company has refused to issue comment on the proposed cross of a lobster with Lindsey Lohan to create a lifeform prone to voluntarily throwing itself into a pot of boiling water.

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