Crazy DNA Test Results Reveal Maury Povich Is The Father Of His Adopted Son

Ad

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Crazy DNA Test Results Reveal Maury Povich Is The Father Of His Adopted Son

Since 1991, daytime talk show host Maury Povich has shocked hundreds of young men and changed the lives of an equal number of young women by revealing DNA paternity test results on The Maury Povich Show, later renamed Maury.

Povich’s dramatic declaration of You are NOT the father! is typically followed by exuberant dancing and somersaults from recently ruled-out fathers, to humiliated screams of desperate, truth-seeking mothers who run offstage, often followed by cameras recording every anguished scream and tear.

During a show taping last week, the tables were turned on Povich himself, when he volunteered to undergo a DNA test after being issued a challenge from an angry viewer.

In an email laced with obscenities, ‘professional blogger’ Mark Satterfield accused the show of staging its paternity show results.  “I emailed them and said I know for a fact that you ass—– fake all those shows just to get the ratings.  All there [sic] shows are crap and so then I said listen up you motherf——, I’m going public with what I know.  I said I dare you to print this, and then that ass—- Maury Povich emailed me in person to invite me to be on the f—— show.”

“I believe in the integrity of the Maury show, so what better way to put my credibility and professional honor on the line?” asked Povich.  “I personally invited Mr. Satterfield to be a part of the studio audience, and I wanted him to read the test results himself.  I asked my adopted son if he would volunteer a sample of his DNA, which he agreed to do.  “It was a hole-in-one,” remarked Povich, an avid golfer.

The day of the taping arrived.  The audience was told why Povich was seated on the guest’s couch rather than in the host’s chair.  Taping began.  Satterfield was handed the now familiar manila envelope.  He opened it and announced to Povich and the audience:  “In the case of your adopted son, … Maury, … You … ARE the father!”

The studio audience erupted in wild screams and chants of “Aw, Snap!” “Damn Mo Po!” “What the F—?” “For real?” and “Wait…what?”  Several audience members, including Povich’s wife, journalist and former CBS News co-host Connie Chung, remained frozen in their seats — too stunned to react.

“I was like, ‘well this s— has gotta be fake, too,’” said Satterfield.  “I know for a fact that your adopted son can’t turn out to be your natural son, because he’s adopted! Heck, I’m adopted, and my adopted father was more of a real father to me than my natural father, that rat b—— who I never even met once!” he explained.

“But then,” continued Satterfield, “I saw the audience screaming and pointing at Maury and jumping up and down, so it hit me me what was going on, so I said ‘Oh, s***!  I threw the envelope down and did my own f****** dance.”

Povich ran off the stage covering his mouth and threatening his camera crew.  “Do NOT follow me backstage, do you understand? DO NOT follow me with that damn camera!” he demanded.

Several television show hosts were quick to offer reaction to the news, which sent ripples throughout the television hosting community.

“The test result was the most shocking event that I’ve ever witnessed in the history of my entire journey,” commented Oprah Winfrey, from her OWN Studio Headquarters.  “My best friend Gayle and I were watching the show, and Steadman too, and the DNA result was even more shocking and unbelievable than what I used to do on my show back in the day!  It was shocking!  We were shocked!  So was Steadman.  He was there!”

Judith Sheindlin, outspoken host of the nationally syndicated program Judge Judy remarked, “That’s outrageous! Case dismissed!”

Povich initially said he had no explanation for the 99.99 per cent probability that he and his son were directly related, but later, when interviewed for a segment yet to be aired, Povich admitted that he donated sperm several years ago when he needed quick cash during a ratings slump.

“This revelation has strengthened the relationship between my son and me, which has always been strong,” said Povich.  “I’ve said from the moment [Connie and] I saw him, that he’s always felt like my own son, and as it turns out, he is.”  When asked if he was aware of any other children he has fathered, Povich chuckled, “Not as far as I know, but maybe we’ll find out a different truth on a future episode.”

Povich announced he would devote the next several shows to determining the identity of the mother.

Calls to Connie Chung were not immediately answered.

Comments

comments

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.