IRS Announces Massive Delays In Tax Refunds After Computer System Crash

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

As more and more people begin filing their taxes online, the IRS has reportedly gotten swamped by early-filers, causing system crashes and a work overload for employees at the bureau. According to IRS spokesman Joe Goldsmith, the issues and crashes are still being sorted, with over 20 million Americans being forced to wait for their refund checks.

“In the old days, people mailed in their returns, and they slowly trickled in, giving our employees and computer systems enough time to sort through and properly handle every W2 and return,” said Goldsmith. “With the advent of being able to file over the phone, and now online, people are getting us their tax information by the first and second week of the year, causing or systems to crash and employees to be working over 100 hours a week to get everything sorted. It’s a real and total cluster-eff.”

According to Goldsmith, the IRS has become so overwhelmed with return information already, that refunds owed will be months delayed.

“We like to be able, normally, to get people their refunds due within a few weeks, or sooner, thanks to direct deposit,” said Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, this year it appears we will end up having to manually sort through all returns manually, which will take us several months. Refunds can expect to be received starting in July or August of this year.”

Goldsmith said that he understands the frustrations that this will cause, but they want to make sure that everyone is receiving the correct refunds or paying in the proper amounts.

“I really wanted to go out and get a new big screen TV and a new snowmobile with my refund,” said Goldsmith. “I work here, and even I will be waiting several more months. That snowmobile will probably end up being a four-wheeler or a new motorcycle by the time I end up seeing the money.”

Stores Begin Denying Patrons Who Want To Pay By Check, Explain New Policy As ‘It’s 2015’

Posted on April 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah –

Patrons in the Best Buy in Salt Lake City were surprised recently when the store informed them that were changing their policies on payment, and would no longer be accepting checks for purchases.

“I could’t believe it,” said Mary Hutton, 82, who was there to buy a new washing machine. “They said that they took cash, credit, or debit, but no longer took checks. I was shocked. I still am. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Best Buy, as well as several other retailers, say the answer is simple – it’s 2015, and checks have been a dead payment format for decades.

“Ever since banks started issuing debit cards with every checking account, the only people who have used checks are old women and people who are floating a check because they don’t have the money in their account to cover the purchase yet – or they don’t have it at all, and are committing a crime,” said Best Buy CFO Tim Lorde. “Either way, we have no use for checks.”

Employees of several locations say they are extremely happy that the stores have stopped taking checks, as the process for accepting them is extremely slow, and more often than not, the checks are declined anyway.

“We took checks, and just ran them, essentially, like a debit card,” said Best Buy employee Molly Hamlin. “It would be instantly approved or denied. Of course, people didn’t know that, and they were trying to get something for nothing when they had no cash in their accounts, and they’d get declined – then they’d get mad at me, like it was my fault their broke ass couldn’t afford a new TV. Sorry, but pay in cash or by credit like a normal person.”

Many grocery stores and department stores are also starting to phase out check systems in their stores.

“We really want everyone to just pay, and get the hell out,” said grocery store manager Troy Lippit. “Checks slow everyone down. You can see these old women coming in, every Sunday, buying a gallon of milk and having to write a check while behind them a line of people forms, angrily staring her down wondering why she hasn’t gotten into the next century.”

According to banking professionals, checks should be completely obsolete by 2017, with most stores not accepting them by next year. They will, at that point, only be used to pay rent.

Mailman Arrested After 3 Tons of Undelivered Mail Found in His Backyard

Posted on November 30, 2014 by Abe Abrams

LITTLE CREEK, Pennsylvania –

A letter carrier from the small town of Little Creek in Pennsylvania must have never heard the old Post Office motto ‘Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom…’, as Postal Worked Dwight Davidson was arrested yesterday after over 6000 pounds of undelivered mail was found in his backyard.

“It’s a lot of pressure being a mailman, the mail never stops,” said Davidson from his holding sell at a Pennsylvania federal prison. “Since the coal mine closed last year, just about everybody in town is out of work and all they do now is wait by their mailboxes for their checks – unemployment checks, welfare checks, and any other checks you can get from the government. They all made the same joke when I gave them their mail; ‘Keep the bills,’ they’d say. Well, I decided to give them what they wanted, and stopped delivering bills.”

Davidson says that once he stopped bringing bills to the people on his delivery route, they were nicer to him, and it was an extreme load off his mind, as well as his body.

“Once I started dumping junk mail and bills in my backyard, my job got easier. What use to take 8 hours to deliver every day now took just about 45 minutes. People got their checks, and I got a lot of free time – seemed like a win-win. Well, as it turns out, after about a month of not getting any mail, some people complained. The sheriff and the Postmaster found the mail in my backyard, and I got arrested and suspended – with pay, thanks to the union, so now when I get out of prison in 6 months, I’ll get to sit home and do nothing and wait by the mailbox for a check. They had it right all along! It’s a great plan!”