DECATUR, Alabama –
The KKK has been a thorn in the side of non-racists for nearly 100 years, but the group – which has seen a decline in membership as time has proven that they are a hate group – is making small changes to their membership bylaws that may entice new people to join, the group hopes.
“We are doing away with the all-white aspect of our group, for starters,” said Grand Master Paul Young. “No, not in skin color, because that would be ridiculous. We definitely only want WASPS in our group. But when it comes to our shawls, we are finally spreading out into an array of colors, allowing for people to make their own statements, while still hating anyone who isn’t just like us.”
Young says that he joined the Klan when he was 14, after his father taught him all about “white being right.”
“I always wanted to move up the ranks, to become a Grand Wizard, and I’m almost there, but I never thought I’d see this day where I could dye my white robes blue, or black,” said Young. “We even have a couple guys who are wearing brown robes, which is hilarious, and totally done in a sense of irony.”
Young says that he has seen other bylaws of the group that will be changed, and he says the public may be “pleasantly surprised” with what they’re doing in the future.
ATLANTA, Georgia –
The Ku Klux Klan, everyone’s least favorite sheet-wearing terrorists, have been battling the state supreme court on whether or not their organization is allowed to Adopt A Highway. Normally, groups that adopt roads are charities or non-profit groups, and none of them have ever asked about renaming roads, either.
“It’s not really so much of an issue that the Klan wants to Adopt-A-Highway, so much as they want to change the name of it as well,” said AAH Project Manager Joel Goldstein. “The Klan wants to not only clean up the highway, but the want to call it ‘Dead N*gger St.’ To me, that’s just crossing a line.”
“When you adopt a kid, you can re-name it whatever you want, and then you go on keeping that kid clean and fed and looking nice,” said Klan member Richard Dawson of Huntsville, Alabama. “If we are gonna adopt a road, and keep it looking nice, and keep it clean, then we want to rename it. And what better way to keep niggers off that street than to call it ‘Dead N*gger Street?'”
According the Supreme Court, the group has every right to Adopt A Highway if the AAH Commission signs off on it, but that they are contesting the group’s request to rename the road with use of a racial slur.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In a curious reveal of private information, Dr. Ben Carson, a member of the Republican party who is currently running for president, was listed in the database of names released by Anonymous that detailed membership in the Ku Klux Klan.
According to the hacker group, Carson is part of the South Knights of Order, a long-standing KKK affiliated group based out of Alabama. According to Carson himself, though, Anonymous got it wrong.
“I have no idea where this information comes from, but it’s definitely not accurate,” said Carson. “There is no way that I would ever associate with a group so entwined with the hatred of my people. It just doesn’t make sense. I think even if they tried to recruit me, I would just ignore them. I’d say ‘I think you want that white guy over there,’ and be on my way.”
According to Anonymous members, though, all of the information they’ve released is 100% accurate. In a note left on the message boards of 4Chan, Anonymous members say that Dr. Carson is a liar who is trying to save face.
“No one would elect a black KKK member into the presidency,” said user MartianMartin94. “If Carson were white, he might still have a chance, but because he’s black and in the Klan, there’s no way anyone will vote for him now. I mean, Donald Trump is a bigot and a moron, but he’s white, so he might still get in. Carson is finished, though.”
MOBILE, Alabama –
In what many bigots are calling “disgusting” and “unbelievable,” the Ku Klux Klan has announced today that they will be starting a new chapter for African-Americans, with hopes that they can “branch out” to people who might not have previously thought of the Klan as a go-to club.
“It’s about time that us whites in the Klan opened our arms to our nigger brothers,” said Grand Wizard Joseph Smith. “Over the years our numbers have dwindled to the point of near-joke levels. Even those skinheads and neo-Nazi guys have more members than we do, and that’s just not right.”
Grand Wizard Smith says that if they get enough “negroes” to join up, they may also expand their membership to “spics and Jews,” too.
“Everyone deserves an opportunity to join one of the oldest, least-respected organizations in the United States,” said Smith. “We only hope that them blacks can overcome their pre-conceived notions of who we are, and come see for themselves. To celebrate, on August 1st we are having a big ol’ barbeque, with plenty of fried chicken, watermelon, and grape Kool-Aid to welcome our black brothers.”
LEOMA, Tennessee –
Imperial Wizard William Sanders, of the Tennessee Chapter of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, attempted use his Klan membership card in order to receive a discount at a local grocery chain for a large order of bleach he was purchasing for his local chapter’s use.
“He came up to the counter with a shopping cart all filled up with bleach bottles,” recalls cashier Trelaine Mumford, “and he asked me if I could give him a discount since he was buying so many.”
The store was running a “buy one, get one free” special with a limit of 1 offer per person, explained Mumford. “The manager set that up, and I couldn’t go against the policy. He [Sanders] handed me a card and I thought at first he was showing me his bonus points savings card, but it was a membership card to the Klan instead. He asked me if it would work to get a discount for the bleach, and that’s when I had to go ask the manager.”
“I talked to the store manager who I knew from around town, but he’s not part of our Klavern,” said Sanders. A “Klavern” in KKK terminology, is a local branch or meeting place for members of the controversial organization, classified as a hate group by the Anti-Defamation League and the Southern Poverty Law Center.
“He denied me the discount,” Sanders said, “and right then and there I felt discriminated against. My rights were violated as a pure American customer and public citizen.”
“We have to look our best,” continued Sanders. “Our whites have to look bright. The economy’s real bad around here these days, so I try to save money everywhere I can, just like everybody else does. I don’t think it’s fair to deny something to one group just because you don’t think the same way they do,” he added.