ISIS Claims Responsibility For Playground Fight at NYC Elementary School

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

A vicious schoolyard fight took place after school on Friday afternoon, and terrorist group ISIS has claimed responsibility for the attacks.

Nicky DeCarlo, 7, was reportedly attacked by a “big bully,” during lunch recess, and tattled to his teacher. When the bully, 9-year-old Al Giovannelli, found out he was in trouble, he told DeCarlo that they were going to “fight after school.”

“It is really such a common thing, kids fighting and bullying and what not, but at this age, we tend to just call the parents, try a little mediation, maybe keep them in from recess, and everything is okay,” said Principal Stephanie Biro. “In this case, the kids were actually fine by the next day. They quickly became friends after the fight, and Little Al even said he was sorry for punching Nicky in the face. It’s pretty common with kids to ‘hate,’ and then feel bad. The real confusion here comes with why ISIS has claimed responsibility for the fight.”

According to police, ISIS stepped in and said that they were responsible for the altercation, and made several posts on social media stating they were the perpetrators.

“Al is definitely not in ISIS,” said his mom to local news channel WBTU – New York. “I know that any time there is a big attack, anywhere in the world, these terrorists like to claim responsibility, but this is just getting silly. We’re not in ISIS. Albert doesn’t even know what ISIS is. They’re really reaching here.”

“WE HAVE CLAIMED THE SCHOOL YARDS OF AMERICA, WE HAVE CAUSED THESE FIGHTS. THIS IS OUR TIME, AND ALL INFIDELS WILL REAP WHAT THEY HAVE CREATED,” read a post made to Twitter from an “official” ISIS account. “WE HAVE CAUSED THIS FIGHT TODAY. ALL CHILDREN WILL BECOME MEMBERS SOON.”

Police are not at all taking the statement seriously.

13-Year-Old Being Cyberbullied Shuts Down Computer, Goes Outside To Play

Teenager using smartphone in basketball court.

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Bobby Jennings is your average, 13-year-old teen. He enjoys hanging out with friends, going to the movies, posting on Facebook, and has a blog on Tumblr. But 2 months ago, things for Bobby changed drastically.

“I posted a funny picture of my on my Tumblr, and I immediately had a bunch of people calling me ugly, telling me I should kill myself. The hashtagged me as #yousofat, things like that,” said Bobby. “For a minute, I was upset. It got really bad, and I didn’t know what to do.”

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“He was devastated that kids were making fun of him, and I didn’t know how to help him,” said Bobby’s mother, Joanne Jennings. “In my day, kids bullied you in the real world, not over the internet. Those were hard times.”

“When my mom told me she used to be bullied, and that she would come home crying every day, it made me sad,” said Bobby. “So It was then that I realized, though, that times for her were different. She was poor growing up, and she couldn’t always afford to do laundry. Sometimes the water was shut off, and she couldn’t shower. She told me all that years ago. But we’re not poor. We have a nice house. I have friends in real life. So it came to me what I should do, and I shut off the computer.”

Bobby says that ever since he shut off the computer, things have been so much better.

“I went outside to play and ride bikes with my friends. We built a tree house. It’s pretty awesome, honestly,” said Bobby. “I’ve felt so much better ever since I got off the internet. I think more kids who are being bullied online should do what I did and, you know, get offline. It’s pretty easy.”

Students Bullied In School Over Sexuality Should ‘Act Less Gay,’ Says Principal

bullied

CHARLESTON, South Carolina – 

A school principal is in hot water today after telling a student who was being bullied over his sexuality that if he wanted to not get picked on, he should “act less gay.”

“It’s only rational to me that if you come into school, and you’re super flaming and other kids are harassing you, that maybe you should tone it down a bit, and stop flaunting your extra gayness,” said principal John Waters of Charleston Junior High. “I have nothing against gay people. Some of my closest friends are gay, but they don’t walk around wearing pink shirts with pictures of penises on them and painting their faces with rainbows like some of these kids do today.”

School policy does not allow faculty to divulge the name of any students involved in bullying incidents, but some students spoke to a local Charleston news station, anonymously, about the harassment they’ve dealt with.

“I used to get picked on all the time because I’m a Jew,” said one student. “I told the principal, and he told me just to stop wearing my yarmulke, and maybe cut my ‘jew dreads,’ and the bullies would forget about me. I was a little upset at first, but I did what he suggested, and now I don’t get picked on, so I guess his advice worked.”

“I’ve actually told Principal Waters multiple times that I get picked on all the time for being poor and black, but he told me to just to suck it up, because there was no way I couldn’t pretend to not be black anymore,” said another student. “He did suggest that I rob a couple stores and get higher-end clothes, and maybe appear more rich, but that only worked for a couple weeks, because I only had one set of nice clothes. After they started to smell, I got picked on for that. The principal sucks.”

School administrators say they are “looking into” repeated incidents of misconduct on the part of Principal Waters.

Gay High School Kid Can’t Wait to be the Target of More Sophisticated Bigotry

Gay High School Kid Can't Wait to be the Target of More Sophisticated Bigotry

JONESVILLE, Indiana – 

Fifteen year old homosexual school goer, David Moore, is looking forward to leaving school in order to get away from the insults hurled at him daily by his classmates. Moore says he is tired of being called “faggot” and “cocksucker” and is ready for the more sophisticated discrimination he will face in the adult world.

“It really gets to me when kids tell me to stick a dick up my ass, or to be a real man. I’m growing up, and I just want to move on, into a world which tells me I can’t marry the person I love because it ruins the sanctity of the family.”

Moore told us that his teachers do not show their own rationally irrational discrimination, due to the fact that the kids are doing it for them.

“I wish they’d just get in on it. I don’t care that they don’t reprimand the other guys, but they could at least add some of the adult bigotry that I’m ready to face.”

He says that he is considering moving to Indiana, where he can be refused service by homophobic store owners according to the Freedom of Religion bill recently passed.

“They wouldn’t care that I’m only fifteen. They’d kick me out of there just like any other grown man. But my parents won’t allow it. They say I need to finish school before I get adult privileges.”

But Moore admitted that he does face some forms of so-called “internalized homophobia”, especially from the supposedly liberal students, most of whom are girls.

“They all want to be friends with me, just so they can say they have a gay best friend. It makes me feel like I’m finally getting there, when I face discrimination in the form of acceptance. It’s really sophisticated.”

New Research Shows Girls Better at School, Boys Better at Copying Girls’ Work

New Research Shows Girls Better at School, Boys Better at Copying Girls’ Work

UNITED STATES – 

Feminists will be pleased, but teachers unsurprised, by findings in a recent study which show that girls are simply “better at school” than boys. On the other side of the coin, boys are reportedly “better at copying girls’ work” than girls, somewhat evening out ultimate scores. The research was funded by the Education Matters foundation, in hopes that the age old debate could finally be settled and we can start worrying about real issues, such as bullying and falling standards.

“We always knew we were better than boys,” said girls, collectively. “Now that there’s empirical evidence, no one can knock us off our perch. Girls rule.”

Boys, however, had a different spin on the findings.

“This doesn’t show that girls are better than us,” said the entire boys population. “It just shows they’re bigger suckers. We know we can just copy, so why would we do the work? Letting them do it for us, and taking advantage of their insufferable conscientiousness, is by far the smarter thing to do.”

Hedley Turner, who headed up the massive study, says that the results may be more deceptive than they seem.

“What the data shows is simply that girls are better at school. This could be for a number of reasons. It could be because the teachers treat them better. It could be because their parents expect more of them. And it could be because they need to take something positive out of the malicious environment that is our school system.”

The data is reportedly set to be forgotten for the most part, but brought up in arguments between the sexes for decades to come.

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