BOISE, Idaho –
Michael Lester was a total loser in high school. He had no friends, and no girls would speak to him. After graduation last June, he wasn’t invited to any parties. But thankfully for Lester, he got into a college out of state.
“Oh man, fuck those kids in my high school, they were losers themselves,” said Lester, who now goes by Mike. “I moved out here to Boise, man, and I turned my whole life around. I am going to be better than all of them. I got good grades before, but now I’m going to get a 4.0 in being awesome.”
Mike says that he liked the idea of going to a school out of state so he could be “whoever he wanted to be,” and he made that a reality.
“I used to sit at home at night and play D&D by myself,” said Mike. “Now I go out, I party, I hang out with girls. They think I was some big jock in high school, which is totally hilarious. Yeah, I’m pretty badass now. Everyone loves me.”
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
According to researchers at Cambridge Medial School, people who go “gluten-free” because they think it has added health benefits are far more prone to become bitchy and pretentious.
“Gluten-free diets are necessary for people with Celiac disease, or who have a gluten allergy,” said Dr. Richard Kimball of Cambridge. “For everyone else, it is a stupid, ego-centric fad, and it has no bearing on your health, except to say that it’s actually bad for you. Gluten is an essential part of everyone’s diet, and you should be eating it regularly.”
Kimball says that studies they have performed indicate that people who go gluten-free merely to be “in” or “hip” in the diet fads are more likely to become bitchy, or come across as pretentious to their friends and peers.
“Many people go gluten free, and think it’s cool, and they love to shove it in your face,” said Kimball. “They’ll tell you about their spin class, talk about yoga, and then casually mention how they’re gluten free and ‘feel great,’ when really going gluten free has nothing to do with that. You’ll no doubt want to punch them in their pretentious, bitchy face. I recommend that you do just that. Stop the cycle when you can.”
Gluten is so misunderstood, that a simple walk through the grocery store can prove exactly how stupid most consumers are about their food.
“Why am I seeing signs next to the chicken and pork in the meat department that says ‘gluten free’ on it?,” questioned Dr. Kimball. “Of course raw pork is gluten free. Do you people even know what gluten is? Read a damn book for crying out loud. And then stop being a pretentious bitch and just eat gluten. It’s fine, and it’s necessary for health.”
HOLLYWOOD, California –
Dreamworks Pictures has announced that Johnny Depp has been cast in the leading role of their next, as yet unnamed, big production. The screenplay is said to focus on an oddball actor who only accepts roles of weird characters in dark storylines.
“I’m very excited that I’ve been chosen to play this part,” said the Edward Scissorhands star. “It’s not what I’m used to, and it gives me confidence that directors recognize my adaptability.”
The basic plotline follows Donald Jepson, from his beginnings as a young actor as he slowly develops and gets pigeonholed into a very specific niche. Initially, Don is a regular young adult. He plays for a mediocre band which is going nowhere, until he gets cast in an action-comedy tv series. But as he progresses, he starts wearing irritating hats, with equally annoying scarves everywhere he goes. People start to view him as pretentious.
A pattern emerges. It seems Don is into weird things. He plays quirky, deformed, evil, and occasionally clinically insane characters. He often teams up with a director who has the same interests, and whose wife is a benefactor of his nepotistic disposition.
Casting of the secondary characters is yet to be finalized, but according to an unnamed Dreamworks source, a woman “who looks vaguely like she could be from the middle ages and is as pigeonholed as [Depp’s] character” is wanted. When asked if he had any premonition as to who it would be, Depp told us that he was stumped.
“I don’t know any actresses who fit that description. I’ve never worked with anyone like that, and I don’t know where they’re going to find her. Maybe they should ask Russell Crowe – he starred alongside a good one in that French film.”