’50 Shades Of Grey’ Clubs Become Popular Among Experimental Teens

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'50 Shades Of Grey' Clubs Become Popular Among Experimental Teens

LOS ANGELES, California – 

In a trend sweeping America, teenagers are reportedly starting and joining ‘50 Shades of Grey’ clubs, en masse. The movement began in response to the box office success of the first movie of the franchise. However, it is being suggested that most of these youths have not read the books or seen the film.

“I haven’t seen the movie,” said Tuck Harrington, 16. “What I heard about it is pretty cool, and I want to do that with my friends. That’s why I started my high school’s ’50 Shades’ club. We all want a little teen bondage. It helps stop bullying.”

We asked Tuck to take us through some of the activities he and his group perform together.

“Well, we started off making friendship bracelets. That’s obviously the easiest way for teens to bondage. We’ve progressed to song nights every Friday, and group trips to mansions to see how successful men like Christian Grey have bondaged to their great advantage.”

Catching up with other clubs, we found them to be doing much of the same. Some of their favorite bondage activities included friendly races, short vacations to the coast, as well as study sessions before exams.

“This is a system which is doing wonders for our kids,” said Colorado teacher Peter Josselewsky. “They’re working together to create stronger bondage between teens who would usually be fighting – whether in the conventional sense, or with more recent cyber bullying. With these new clubs, we’ve seen a drastic decrease in hostility, and guys who’d usually be outsiders are now part of the in-crowd.”

Tuck Harrington agreed with his sentiments.

“It’s true. There are some kids who would’ve been called ‘nerds’ or ‘losers’ who are much loved by the group. They’ve found a way to form bondages with others, and that’s something I’ve never seen in all my years of high school.”

When asked what his favorite part of the 50 Shades club was, he told us, “Oh, well – on Sunday nights, we all get naked, and half of us tie the other half to chairs or beds, and then we fuck them hard, with all sorts of sex toys and moves we learned online. Then we switch, and let them do the same things to us. I particularly like having a big, rubber fist shoved up my ass while I’m gagged with a pair of panties or a tight gag. It’s definitely the best part of the ’50 Shades’ club.”

‘50 Shades’ Actor Jamie Dornan Cast in Exciting New Film Role

‘50 Shades’ Actor Cast in Exciting New Film Role

 

Following the Box Office success of recent release, Fifty Shades of Grey, leading man Jamie Dornan has been cast in what he is calling an ‘exciting new role’. The Irish actor has gained prominence from his portrayal of Christian Grey, and he attributes the success for his casting in his next challenge, a film that has been tentatively titled Fifty Shades Freed.

“Personally, I’m really proud,” Dornan said in an interview with celebrity gossip magazine, Heat. “Getting to play Christian Grey was a dream come true, and it was exhilarating and sometimes frightening to have to widen my range of acting abilities. This new role should be even more thrilling.”

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The character he will be playing is not yet finalized, but Dornan believes it to be that of a “domineering, sexually driven man. He is a wealthy entrepreneur, who will stop at nothing to get what he wants.”

These characteristics will bring out the best of Dornan’s skills.

“I think I can do it; I think I can be that man. Usually I’m quite reserved, and I have too much respect for women to try and dominate, but with a bit of effort I can put myself in his shoes. Fifty Shades of Grey was a challenge in a very different way, but it’s given me the belief and confidence to get out there and take chances with my parts, to audition for movies I never would have in the past.”

For this new role, however, Jamie says he did not have to audition.

“Sam [Taylor-Johnson, director of Fifty Shades of Grey] called me and simply told me to come in for rehearsals and have a look at the script. He didn’t ask or anything, just assumed that I was willing and capable to take on such a tough role. His confidence in me is really touching.”

Heat has since found out that Dornan’s costar in Fifty Shades of Grey, Dakota Johnson, will also be appearing in this exciting new project.

50 Shades Of Grey Tanks At Box Office, Studio Says Women ‘Too Stupid’ To Appreciate Film

50 Shades Of Grey Tanks At Box Office, Studio Says Women 'Too Stupid' To Appreciate Film

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Following a disappointing opening weekend at the box office, studio executives made a rarely-seen move to critique their audience. According to executives at the Universal and Focus studios, fans were simply “too stupid” to understand the film they were making.

“Women generally cannot understand the high-brow sophistication that is involved with dominance and power” said executive David Rosenthal. “We looked at all angles and aspects of how they movie could play out. We tend to know what’s best for women and so we were rather surprised that they showed any level of defiance when it comes to this project.”

While there were women who enjoyed the film, statistics showed they were usually middle-aged fugglies that no man wanted anyways. This would explain the eagerness for re-buy viewers who wanted to watch the film two or more times. However, executives stated they were uninterested in fatties as much as they were uninterested in feminazis that hate the film categorically.

“A woman with no spine is as bad as a woman with no brain,” stated Rosenthal.

“But I’m getting pretty tired of these Women’s Rights dummies at their rallies, natter on about how our movie is ‘disrespectful to women’ and how we’re ‘out of touch with women’. I mean, did you see the book sales? Obviously we know exactly what women want. The problem is that when faced with reality, they become defense. Quite frankly, because they are dumb.”

As one would expect, women’s right advocates are upset at the tone of executives like Rosenthal.

“The reason we do not care for the movie has nothing to do with women’s rights,” said Claire Dempsey of the Women First: Equal Rights for Women Movement. “We dislike the film because it was poorly done, rushed into production, and lacks the essence of the story.”

She continued, “If the movie was well written, well acted, or well directed, we would say so. It was not. The movie was a mess.”

50 Shades of Grey has since already been given a nod by the academy, and is said to be likely to receive at least three nominations for the 2016 Academy Awards for writing, acting, and directing.

Said Rosenthal of the comment and subsequent Academy nod, “See? Women are dumb.”

50 Shades of Grey First Film to Be Age- and Gender-Restricted; Only Showing to Women Over 40

50 Shades of Grey First Film to Be Age- and Gender-Restricted; Only Showing to Women Over 40

 

HOLLYWOOD, California –

With less than a week to go before the premiere of the much anticipated film version of 50 Shades of Grey, MPAA authorities have shocked the public with the announcement that the sexually explicit production will be the first gender-segregated movie.

“We set the age-restriction at 40 years old, and the gender-restriction to apply to females,” said ratings supervisor, Billy Jensen. “Some will see it as a bit extreme, but we’re doing it out of genuine concern for society. While most middle-aged women have already been exposed to the book trilogy, other demographics are still safe. Now that there is easier access through the medium of film, we worry that young adult men and women will seek it out.”

Author E. L. James claimed to be un-phased by the news.

“I wrote those books to express my own physical urges,” she said. “I never expected anyone to read them, let alone get the response I’ve had. Bored, aging women are the most interested, and I don’t see why it should be any other way.”

Vocal critic of censorship, John Fenucci, was one of the few unhappy about the news.

“They’re trying to hide things from us, make it a fascist state,” he said through a thick haze of pungent smoke. “This is ‘Murica! Shit like this isn’t s’posed to happen. We’re being turned into Communist China and no one’s doing anything about it. The lizard people in charge are gonna win unless we act now!”

The literature world did not have any such qualms about the movie becoming severely restricted. “We all breathed a collective sigh of relief at this news,” said literature professor Joseph Butler. “Now that no one will see the movie, that the natural order can return, the hype with the books can die, and we can all forget the dark ages of unwarranted buzz around this pile of dog shit somehow called a novel.”

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