Ryan Reynolds Says He Won’t Return For Deadpool Sequel

Ryan Reynolds Hit By Car While Filming 'Deadpool,' Destroys Car With Bare Hands

LOS ANGELES, California –

Ryan Reynolds was born to play Deadpool, in the way the Robert Downey Jr. perfectly encompasses the role of Tony Stark in Iron Man. With the new Deadpool movie bringing in a record-breaking quarter of a billion dollars in its worldwide opening weekend, Fox was keen on quickly green-lighting a sequel, but sadly, there is one person who won’t be returning.

Ryan Reynolds says that he will not be singing on for a second Deadpool film, after realizing that the part was going to put way too much pressure on his everyday life.

“I’ve been an actor for years, and I’ve always had a good time with it,” said Reynolds. “Problem is, not that I’ve played a character in a movie people have actually seen, I haven’t had a moment to rest, and it’s frustrating.”

Reynolds had been personally trying to get a Deadpool film made for years, and it took over a decade for Fox to agree to not only make the film, but make it geared towards adults, letting it receive the MPAA’s R-rating. Reynolds says that he’s glad the movie is doing so well, but he can’t be part of another one.

“Someone else can easily take over, because most of the film I’m in a suit, and when I’m not, my face is covered in burn makeup,” said Reynolds. “I really want to go back to just being an actor that people sort of recognize, but pass by on the street without having to stop and take a selfie with.”

Marvel’s New ‘Deadpool’ Movie Given PG-13 Rating


LOS ANGELES, California – 

Although trailers and comments from the cast and crew would lead many to believe that the new Marvel film Deadpool, which is set to hit theatres in February, would be getting an R-rating, it seems that the MPAA had other plans.

After watching the film, the group – who are responsible for the film ratings of every movie released – gave the movie a mild PG-13 rating.

“We are really, really shocked that we got a PG-13,” said the film’s star, Ryan Reynolds. “We were going for a hard R-rating. There is blood, guts, nudity, sexual content, and about a thousand uses of the word ‘fuck.’ It’s mind boggling.”

According the the MPAA, they didn’t find that the film fit with their R-rated policy, which as anyone who has ever seen a movie can tell you, is not exactly set-in-stone.

“Normally, you can’t really get by with more than maybe one F-bomb in a film without getting the R-rating,” said MPAA spokesman Gerry Lyons. “In this case, though, we felt the film really didn’t encompass anything that would get it the harder, more ‘adult’ rating. Plus, it’s a comic book movie, so how harsh could it really be, right?”


50 Shades of Grey First Film to Be Age- and Gender-Restricted; Only Showing to Women Over 40

50 Shades of Grey First Film to Be Age- and Gender-Restricted; Only Showing to Women Over 40


HOLLYWOOD, California –

With less than a week to go before the premiere of the much anticipated film version of 50 Shades of Grey, MPAA authorities have shocked the public with the announcement that the sexually explicit production will be the first gender-segregated movie.

“We set the age-restriction at 40 years old, and the gender-restriction to apply to females,” said ratings supervisor, Billy Jensen. “Some will see it as a bit extreme, but we’re doing it out of genuine concern for society. While most middle-aged women have already been exposed to the book trilogy, other demographics are still safe. Now that there is easier access through the medium of film, we worry that young adult men and women will seek it out.”

Author E. L. James claimed to be un-phased by the news.

“I wrote those books to express my own physical urges,” she said. “I never expected anyone to read them, let alone get the response I’ve had. Bored, aging women are the most interested, and I don’t see why it should be any other way.”

Vocal critic of censorship, John Fenucci, was one of the few unhappy about the news.

“They’re trying to hide things from us, make it a fascist state,” he said through a thick haze of pungent smoke. “This is ‘Murica! Shit like this isn’t s’posed to happen. We’re being turned into Communist China and no one’s doing anything about it. The lizard people in charge are gonna win unless we act now!”

The literature world did not have any such qualms about the movie becoming severely restricted. “We all breathed a collective sigh of relief at this news,” said literature professor Joseph Butler. “Now that no one will see the movie, that the natural order can return, the hype with the books can die, and we can all forget the dark ages of unwarranted buzz around this pile of dog shit somehow called a novel.”

Woman Sues Movie Theatre After 12-Year-Old Son Is Admitted To PG-13 Film

TULSA, Oklahoma – woman files lawsuit after 12 year old son is admitted to pg-13 film

A mother in Tulsa, Oklahoma is suing the local movie theatre after her 12-year-old son was allowed to purchase a ticket to a PG-13 film without her consent. Mary Lambert, whose son Joe is only 12, says that she dropped her son off at the movie theatre to see the PG-rated film Minions with his friends, but instead they went to see the PG-13 rated film Pixels.

“My son knows that he is not allowed to watch those adult films until next year, and don’t you worry, he’s being punished at home, for sure,” said Lambert. “But someone has to be to blame for letting him into that movie, and that fault lies on the movie theatre itself. These ratings were put into law for a reason, and they’ve broken that law. They are going to pay for the warped mind my son will now have after seeing such adult content.”

“The movie ratings system is not a law, and this woman has no case whatsoever,” said Joe Goldsmith, owner of the Magic Lantern Cinema in Tulsa. “The MPAA, the group that gives these films their ratings, they only created this system to keep people, namely parents, informed about the content. They are not passed into law. Anyone can come in and buy a ticket to see any movie they’d like whenever they like. Our theatre, as well as most, do try and not allow children under 17 into R-rated movies, but that is a policy of our theatre, not a law. Even if the film was NC-17, that’s not law, that’s just a thought.”

Goldsmith is correct in his description of how the ratings system works, but Lambert is not alone in assuming that the MPAA ratings system – G for General Audiences, PG for Parental Guidance Suggest, PG-13 for Parents Strongly Cautioned (May Contain Content Inappropriate for Children Under 13), R for Restricted (Must be 17 or Have A Parent With You in the Theatre) and NC-17 for No Children 17 or Under Allowed – are laws that the movie theatres must follow. Over 85% of movie theatres, both independent and chain-cinemas, follow the rules of not allowing children under 17 to R-rated films, but that’s pretty much the only area the rules are enforced.

“We don’t play NC-17 films, like most movie theatres,” said Goldsmith. “If we did ever play one, we would not let anyone under 18 into that, either. Again, though – not because it’s a law, but because we feel that’s the right thing to do for the parents of this community.”

Lambert has said that she will take the case to the supreme court if necessary, and force them to uphold the MPAA ratings.

“Why make these ratings if you’re not going to enforce what they stand for?” said Lambert. “Why should I have to monitor what my kid watches? Do I actually need to get out of the car, stand in line with him, buy the ticket, and hold his hand all the way into the theatre? My God, next they’ll suggest I actually just watch a movie with him. Obviously these people have no idea that parents just don’t have time to pay that much attention to their kids. I should just expect them to monitor his films for me. He’s 12 – he is not allowed to see PG-13 films. End of story.”

Lambert has brought her case to a local attorney who will be filing the suit against the Magic Lantern at the end of the week.

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