Marvel Announces R-Rated ‘Howard The Duck’ Film Coming in 2017


HOLLYWOOD, California – 

The original Howard the Duck film, starring Lea Thompson and Ed Gale, is widely divided between moviegoers as being either an “awesome cult classic,” or one of the worst films of all time, but either way, Marvel has announced that they plan to bring back their anthropomorphic duck in an all-new movie, set for release in the summer of 2017.

“We teased Howard a little at the end of Guardians, but we really wanted to bring him back for his own movie, and this time, make it not a giant piece of shit,” said Marvel CEO Mark Wymms. “He will not be CGI as he was in Guardians. That was just a tease, or a little taste. Actually, we’ve already begun shooting the movie, and we think fans will be super happy to know that we’re going hard R-rating.”

Deadpool, the latest Marvel movie to hit theatres, was R-rated, and grossed over $700 million worldwide, making it the third-highest grossing R-rated film of all time. Marvel hopes to strike again with Duck, which is based on their comic series about a duck named Howard who is brought to Earth during a science experiment gone awry.

The new film will feature Warwick Davis (Willow) as Howard, and is set to be directed by Lars Von Trier.

Ryan Reynolds Says He Won’t Return For Deadpool Sequel

Ryan Reynolds Hit By Car While Filming 'Deadpool,' Destroys Car With Bare Hands

LOS ANGELES, California –

Ryan Reynolds was born to play Deadpool, in the way the Robert Downey Jr. perfectly encompasses the role of Tony Stark in Iron Man. With the new Deadpool movie bringing in a record-breaking quarter of a billion dollars in its worldwide opening weekend, Fox was keen on quickly green-lighting a sequel, but sadly, there is one person who won’t be returning.

Ryan Reynolds says that he will not be singing on for a second Deadpool film, after realizing that the part was going to put way too much pressure on his everyday life.

“I’ve been an actor for years, and I’ve always had a good time with it,” said Reynolds. “Problem is, not that I’ve played a character in a movie people have actually seen, I haven’t had a moment to rest, and it’s frustrating.”

Reynolds had been personally trying to get a Deadpool film made for years, and it took over a decade for Fox to agree to not only make the film, but make it geared towards adults, letting it receive the MPAA’s R-rating. Reynolds says that he’s glad the movie is doing so well, but he can’t be part of another one.

“Someone else can easily take over, because most of the film I’m in a suit, and when I’m not, my face is covered in burn makeup,” said Reynolds. “I really want to go back to just being an actor that people sort of recognize, but pass by on the street without having to stop and take a selfie with.”

Marvel’s New ‘Deadpool’ Movie Given PG-13 Rating


LOS ANGELES, California – 

Although trailers and comments from the cast and crew would lead many to believe that the new Marvel film Deadpool, which is set to hit theatres in February, would be getting an R-rating, it seems that the MPAA had other plans.

After watching the film, the group – who are responsible for the film ratings of every movie released – gave the movie a mild PG-13 rating.

“We are really, really shocked that we got a PG-13,” said the film’s star, Ryan Reynolds. “We were going for a hard R-rating. There is blood, guts, nudity, sexual content, and about a thousand uses of the word ‘fuck.’ It’s mind boggling.”

According the the MPAA, they didn’t find that the film fit with their R-rated policy, which as anyone who has ever seen a movie can tell you, is not exactly set-in-stone.

“Normally, you can’t really get by with more than maybe one F-bomb in a film without getting the R-rating,” said MPAA spokesman Gerry Lyons. “In this case, though, we felt the film really didn’t encompass anything that would get it the harder, more ‘adult’ rating. Plus, it’s a comic book movie, so how harsh could it really be, right?”


Punk, Metal Legend Glenn Danzig Set To Replace Hugh Jackman as ‘Wolverine’


HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Punk and metal legend Glenn Danzig, co-founder of Misfits and lead singer of the eponymous Danzig, has reportedly signed on the dotted line to take over for hulking actor Hugh Jackman in the role of Wolverine for the upcoming X-Men series of films.

“We are elated to have Mr. Danzig on board for the films,” said Marvel Studios CEO Harvey Dent. “I am, personally, a big fan of Danzig and The Misfits, as are many other people, and we know his built-in fanbase will come running to see him portray the Wolverine character. My favorite song is JuJu Bone. It’s just so catchy. No idea what it’s about, but hell, it’s just great.”

Hugh Jackman, who has played the Wolverine character almost a dozen times in the last 15 years, had decided last year to step down from the role, and was reportedly anxious to make way for Danzig to take over.

“I am so glad that they got Danzig to continue on with the character, and not some nobody like fuckin’ Tom Hardy or something,” said Jackman to Out Of Touch Magazine. “Danzig just looks like Wolverine. Like he’d ‘snikt snikt’ your fucking heart out, ya’ know? He’s even got the jacked build, naturally, to play Wolverine. I had to bulk up for fuckin’ months and let my hair grow, but not Danzig. I think he may have been born for the part.”

Danzig, who turned 60-years-old just this summer, is reportedly ‘raring to go’ for the role, which begins shooting in Atlanta in April, 2016.

“Well, I know one movie I won’t be seeing, and that’s any movie that has Danzig in it,” said current Misfits frontman and former bandmate Jerry Only. “Shame, too. Despite being a man of God, I am a huge fan of violent comic book films. I was looking forward to another film, but I guess that won’t be happening. Danzig won’t get a dime of my Misfits money!”



Ryan Reynolds Hit By Car While Filming ‘Deadpool,’ Destroys Car With Bare Hands

Ryan Reynolds Hit By Car While Filming 'Deadpool,' Destroys Car With Bare Hands

VANCOUVER, BC, Canada – 

Movie star Ryan Reynolds was hit by a car in an apparent hit-and-run while filming on location in Vancouver, Canada for his new movie Deadpool. The star, whose film credits include The Proposal and The Green Lantern, reportedly was struck and knocked down while on a downtown street in Vancouver.

According to witnesses on the scene, several people rushed to help Reynolds, but he sprung to his feet and chased after the car, leaping over other vehicles, a fence, and by hanging onto the back of a city bus. He caught up with the car only 14 blocks from where he was struck.

“Basically, when I finally caught up the car, I yanked the driver out of his seat, and immediately went to work at kicking his ass,” said Reynolds. “Not the guy, mind you. The car. It was this stupid, ugly, yellow Prius, and honestly, it just pissed me off so much. I beat that car’s ass with my bare hands.”

The car was left nearly totaled, after the actor, who reportedly put on over 20 pounds of pure muscle to play the dark, smartass anti-hero in his new film, punched and kicked out the windows, lights, windshield, and ripped off each door.

“The guy just kind of stared at me as it happened, but you know, he deserved it,” said Reynolds. “I found out later that he loved that car more than anything in the world, but you know, if you hit someone, and then you’re too much of a coward to face the music and you try and leave the scene, well – you deserve to have everything you love taken from you. I’ll take it from you. With my bare goddamned hands.”

The driver refused to press charges on Reynolds for destroying his property. Reynolds says that the man has ‘suffered enough,’ and will not be pressing charges, either.

Deadpool is scheduled for release in 2016, with fans clamoring for the Marvel character to make his R-rated debut on the big screen. Reynolds previously played the character – sort of – in X-Men Origins: Wolverine. 

Director Michelle MacLaren Leaves ‘Wonder Woman’ Film, Studio Scrambles To Replace Her With Man

Director Michelle MacLaren Leaves 'Wonder Woman' Film, Studio Scrambles To Replace Her With Man

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Film director Michelle MacLaren has reportedly parted ways with the studio over creative differences on the film Wonder Woman. As the studio scrambles to find another director to replace her, executives at Marvel say they are ‘so glad’ that they can put a man at the helm now.

“Basically, what’s happened is that we’ve shown that a woman cannot handle a film of this magnitude, with a character this iconic,” said a Marvel executive, speaking anoymously. “We always wanted a man to be in place as director, because – well, men can do this job, and women can’t. Which should be obvious by the extremely small list of female directors that there are period, let alone the number who have successful careers or Oscar wins.”

According to insider reports, the studio is hoping to be able to get someone for ‘cheap money,’ but that can accomplish the job in the ‘way that they wish.’ Names that have been thrown around so far include indie horror director David Robert Miller, whose current film It Follows is generating tons of buzz, as well as former directing superstar Spike Lee.

“The problem with those guys, though, is really just a matter of preference. Miller could do it, but he’s hot right now, It Follows is destroying critic expectations and is making huge money on a nothing budget – so he could ask for more money than we feel like paying,” said the executive. “Spike Lee – well, he’s a guy, yeah, and that’s what we want, but he’s also a little ‘too black,’ if you know what I mean. I mean I’m cool with black people, but he’s like, extra black. And his movies, they sound a little too ethnic for a comic book movie.”

Until the film has another director, production will presumably be put on hold. The film is not slated for release until 2017.

Ben Affleck: ‘Matt Damon Will Always Be My True Robin’

Ben Affleck: 'Matt Damon Will Always Be My True Robin'

LOS ANGELES, California – 

When Ben Affleck was cast as Batman for the upcoming addition to the superhero franchise, Batman Vs Superman, the big question on everyone’s lips was, “Huh?” The next question was, who else will star in the series? In October, speculation grew that Jena Malone will play the Dark Knight’s sidekick, Robin.

At the time, the discussion focused on the casting of a female in the iconic role. But as interest in the feminist side died down, the public began to wonder about the status of Affleck’s well-known bromance with Matt Damon. After the ensuing social media storm, Affleck has finally had his say on the matter.

“Matt will always be my Robin,” the Argo star said. “Nothing will come between us, not even some feminoid playing his part.”

Matt Damon spoke to the media with a brave face. Clearly hurting inside, he stated defiantly that it did not bother him.

“I don’t care,” he said. “Who’s Ben Affleck to me? The days of Good Will Hunting and the like are long gone.”

Soon, however, the Bourne star broke down.

“When he played Daredevil, he said the only reason I couldn’t be his sidekick was because they hadn’t written one into the script. But how about now? Robin… Robin was meant to be… I can’t do this anymore.”

Affleck tried to calm his best friend down by insisting that he hadn’t had a say in who played which characters. When this approach failed, he organized an airplane to fly over Damon’s house, trailing a banner with the words, “Matt, you will always be my Robin, no matter what they say.”

Damon has since told the media that everything is resolved, especially since “Ben told me he’s gonna direct his own Batman series when this is done, and then I’ll play the part that was always meant to be mine.”

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