Ben Affleck: ‘Matt Damon Will Always Be My True Robin’

Ben Affleck: 'Matt Damon Will Always Be My True Robin'

LOS ANGELES, California – 

When Ben Affleck was cast as Batman for the upcoming addition to the superhero franchise, Batman Vs Superman, the big question on everyone’s lips was, “Huh?” The next question was, who else will star in the series? In October, speculation grew that Jena Malone will play the Dark Knight’s sidekick, Robin.

At the time, the discussion focused on the casting of a female in the iconic role. But as interest in the feminist side died down, the public began to wonder about the status of Affleck’s well-known bromance with Matt Damon. After the ensuing social media storm, Affleck has finally had his say on the matter.

“Matt will always be my Robin,” the Argo star said. “Nothing will come between us, not even some feminoid playing his part.”

Matt Damon spoke to the media with a brave face. Clearly hurting inside, he stated defiantly that it did not bother him.

“I don’t care,” he said. “Who’s Ben Affleck to me? The days of Good Will Hunting and the like are long gone.”

Soon, however, the Bourne star broke down.

“When he played Daredevil, he said the only reason I couldn’t be his sidekick was because they hadn’t written one into the script. But how about now? Robin… Robin was meant to be… I can’t do this anymore.”

Affleck tried to calm his best friend down by insisting that he hadn’t had a say in who played which characters. When this approach failed, he organized an airplane to fly over Damon’s house, trailing a banner with the words, “Matt, you will always be my Robin, no matter what they say.”

Damon has since told the media that everything is resolved, especially since “Ben told me he’s gonna direct his own Batman series when this is done, and then I’ll play the part that was always meant to be mine.”

Christian Bale Caught On ‘Batman V Superman’ Set, Says He Was ‘Looking For Imposter’

Christian Bale Caught On 'Batman V Superman' Set, Says He Was 'Looking For Imposter'

LOS ANGELES, California – 

“There’s an imposter in Gotham City. He claims to be me, he even wears the same suit as I do, but he is not me and he must be stopped.”

These were the grunted, barely audible words of former Batman star, Christian Bale, spoken while wandering around the set of much anticipated 2016 release, Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, apparently looking for Ben Affleck.

Although disguised in the trademark cape and bat mask, cast and crew reportedly recognized Bale by the limp he affected for the last of The Dark Knight trilogy. Their suspicions were confirmed when at one point he called a child extra “God,” momentarily lapsing into the role of Moses, the character he played in Exodus: Gods and Kings.

Anne Hathaway, who recently returned with Bale from a cafe in Paris where they’d been living together, said that the transition has been hard for the celebrated actor.

“He’s not sure who he is right now,” Hathaway said. “Bruce never wanted to leave the vigilante life behind. It was the same after filming American Psycho, when he would roam the halls of Justin Theroux’s apartment block, naked and bloody with a chainsaw in his hands.”

When asked who she meant by Bruce, she responded, “Bruce? I said Christian, not Bruce. Who’s Bruce?”

According to director Zack Snyder, everyone is now used to Bale’s presence on set.

“He’s been hanging around for weeks now, struggling to identify the imposter. We’re all used to him. It’s always quite exciting when he holds one of the cast members up against the wall and demands information, sometimes tying them up with the rope he carries on his belt. What’s really weird though, is sometimes he throws on this horrible New York accent, and tried to get me to buy newspapers while singing and dancing. The man is a gas, but sometimes it’s just odd.”

According to production assistants on set, when Affleck was pointed out to Bale, the Dark Knight responded in his scratchy whisper, “You think you can fool me that easily? Only an idiot would believe that guy could pass for me.”

Ben Affleck Quits Role As Batman, Studio Hires Chris Pratt As Replacement

LOS ANGELES, California – Ben Affleck Quits Role As Batman, Studio Hires Chris Pratt As Replacement

After several months and an incomplete movie role, Ben Affleck officially announced his immediate resignation from the role of Bruce Wayne/Batman. Affleck’s resignation came in a comment he left on a thread insulting him on popular website Within minutes of Warner Bros. confirming the resignation with Affleck’s publicist, they hired Chris Pratt (Guardians of the Galaxy, “Parks and Recreation”) to fill the role.

The original announcement on Reddit came from Affleck’s official Reddit account, Ben_Affleck. It was a response to a comment from user ‘Y_isBenBatman’, that asked, as even their username pointed out, why Warner Bros. would ever hire Ben Affleck to play Batman. The comment was up-voted over ten thousand of times.

The response via the Ben_Affleck account was simply “I am Ben Affleck, and I quit Batman.”

Affleck has nearly wrapped shooting Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, and was under contract to star as the caped crusader in several other films.

“We don’t care that Ben breached his contract. He’s a great guy. He’s so lovable, but we’re so relieved that we don’t have to deal with the ‘Batfleck’ backlash anymore. Plus, thanks to that movie he’s got going right now that we desperately wish we had made, Chris Pratt is a mega-star. Not to mention his role on that show about the. . . uh, it’s on NBC? Eh, whatever. He’s on TV, so he’s got a flexible schedule,” said a Warner Bros. executive.

When asked to comment, Affleck referred all comments to his wife, Jennifer Garner. “I encouraged him to resign,” Garner said. “There’ve been too many sleepless nights while Ben’s on Reddit crying. I just couldn’t take it anymore. It was worse than when he read the Daredevil reviews. He still cries about Gigli in the shower, but he can’t keep Batman in the shower, you know? It wasn’t even this bad when Jersey Girl was coming out.”

Pratt, along with Warner Bros., is absolutely thrilled that he has been asked to take on the physically demanding role. “Dude, this is so awesome. I mean, I really feel for Ben. It sucks that he resigned in disgrace and stuff. He’s such a good guy, he has Oscars. But, I am Batman now. I never thought my career would go in this direction when I was playing that hippie on The O.C. Man, first I get to guard the galaxy, now I’ll get to guard Gotham. Awesome.”

According to studio reports, Warner Bros. still has Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice slated for a release date of March 25, 2016. “All we’ve really filmed so far are shots of Ben in the suit with a lot of devastation in the background, which can be easily replaced. Chris Pratt is a pro, he’ll get this done for us in no time,” director Zack Snyder said.

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