50 Shades Of Grey Tanks At Box Office, Studio Says Women ‘Too Stupid’ To Appreciate Film

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50 Shades Of Grey Tanks At Box Office, Studio Says Women 'Too Stupid' To Appreciate Film

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Following a disappointing opening weekend at the box office, studio executives made a rarely-seen move to critique their audience. According to executives at the Universal and Focus studios, fans were simply “too stupid” to understand the film they were making.

“Women generally cannot understand the high-brow sophistication that is involved with dominance and power” said executive David Rosenthal. “We looked at all angles and aspects of how they movie could play out. We tend to know what’s best for women and so we were rather surprised that they showed any level of defiance when it comes to this project.”

While there were women who enjoyed the film, statistics showed they were usually middle-aged fugglies that no man wanted anyways. This would explain the eagerness for re-buy viewers who wanted to watch the film two or more times. However, executives stated they were uninterested in fatties as much as they were uninterested in feminazis that hate the film categorically.

“A woman with no spine is as bad as a woman with no brain,” stated Rosenthal.

“But I’m getting pretty tired of these Women’s Rights dummies at their rallies, natter on about how our movie is ‘disrespectful to women’ and how we’re ‘out of touch with women’. I mean, did you see the book sales? Obviously we know exactly what women want. The problem is that when faced with reality, they become defense. Quite frankly, because they are dumb.”

As one would expect, women’s right advocates are upset at the tone of executives like Rosenthal.

“The reason we do not care for the movie has nothing to do with women’s rights,” said Claire Dempsey of the Women First: Equal Rights for Women Movement. “We dislike the film because it was poorly done, rushed into production, and lacks the essence of the story.”

She continued, “If the movie was well written, well acted, or well directed, we would say so. It was not. The movie was a mess.”

50 Shades of Grey has since already been given a nod by the academy, and is said to be likely to receive at least three nominations for the 2016 Academy Awards for writing, acting, and directing.

Said Rosenthal of the comment and subsequent Academy nod, “See? Women are dumb.”

Liam Neeson To Co-Star With Denzel Washington In ‘Pulp Fiction’ Remake Directed By Martin Scorsese

Liam Neeson To Co-Star With Denzel Washington In 'Pulp Fiction' Remake Directed By Martin Scorsese

 

UNIVERSAL CITY, California –

Ronald Meyer, COO of Universal Pictures, announced yesterday that silver screen tough guys Liam Neeson and Denzel Washington have both signed on for the highly anticipated remake of Pulp Fiction, to be directed by the legendary Martin Scorsese.

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“I am extremely excited to finally make the news official. The idea, actually pitch by original director Quentin Tarantino, was sort of a joke turned into a stroke of mad genius,” Meyer said. “Quentin called me one day after we had been out for drinks, and said ‘I was joking when I said it, but imagine, Scorsese, Liam Neeson and Denzel, it’d be freaking gold!’ he shouted through the phone. Together we sort of manifested this beast of an idea, and low and behold, they all loved it and wanted to do it.”

Tarantino, who will act as an Executive Producer, was held responsible for calling and recruiting Neeson. “It was nerve- wracking, calling Liam. He is always interesting, though. So I called the guy, and he sounded pissed, a scary calm, but super angry kind of voice, ya know? He said ‘Look, you little freak, I don’t want to be in your little movie. I will never play opposite Denzel Washington. In fact, if you call here again, I will find you, and I will kill you.’ I sat there silent, debating whether or not to hang up the phone for like 30 seconds, trembling, and then he burst out laughing. “Gotcha good, Quentin! Hell yes, I would love to do it!’ I was like a little kid in a candy store after that,” Tarantino said. “My job is done, so now I can sit back and enjoy the ride.”

The remaining casting has not been completed according to Meyer. “We are probably looking at winter of 2016 mega-release. It will be huge,” he said.

 

DeLorean Motor Company To Produce Replica ‘Back To The Future’ Time Machines For Public Sale

HOUSTON, Texas – DeLorean Motor Company To Produce Replica 'Back To The Future' Time Machines For Public Sale

The DeLorean DMC-12 is one of the most recognizable cars in the world. Although the model itself had an original run of less than 10,000 and only was made for one year, the car’s starring role in the Back to the Future franchise made the car a sought-after piece of movie history amongst collectors.

The original DeLorean Motor Company closed its doors in the early 80s, but the name, DMC, and the company that rose in its place to support owners of the original model, has announced that they have partnered with Universal Pictures, the film studio responsible for Back to the Future, to create a replica line of cars from the film. The new DeLorean Time Machine DMC-12 will be made available staring in 2015, the 30th anniversary of the original Back to the Future film.

“There has been talk all over the internet of a real-life hoverboard, and sadly that turned out to not be true,” said DMC spokesman  Milton Baines. “When we realized what a massive call there was for Future merchandise, we realized that we could do something really great here at the new DeLorean Motor Company. Initial plans started at the beginning of last year, and we’ve worked closely with the original build team for the movies to get the car exactly as it appears in the films.”

DMC says that the Time Machine version of the DMC-12 that will be available is based on the model shown in Back to the Future II and III. 

“It’s going to have the Mr. Fusion on the back, it has to,” said Baines. “I think that movie fanatics, car collectors, and anyone who is a massive fan of Back to the Future is going to want to get this car. We only wish that we could really make it travel through time!”

The DeLorean Time Machine DMC-12 is set to begin sale in June of 2015, and they are being custom-built at an order cost of a relatively modest $25,000 each – the same price that the vehicle cost when new in 1981. The production will mark the first time that a film studio will be a part of a release of vehicles for public purchase.

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