LOS ANGELES, California –
The nation’s small butts have finally gotten together to file a class-action suit against Nicki Minaj and Kim Kardashian, along with other big-bootied celebrities. The lawsuit has been a long time coming, with small butts having voiced numerous complaints about their treatment in recent media.
“What Minaj and Kardashian and their ilk have done to us is nothing short of defamation,” said leader of the Big Butt Coalition, Sonny Peru. “We used to be proud of our size, even when Sir Mix-A-Lot couldn’t lie to us about liking big butts. That was all in good fun. But Minaj’s assertion that her ‘anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns hun,’ maligns us, turning us into a laughing stock. We’re the butt of everyone’s jokes,” he added, and laughed awkwardly at his cheesy quip.
Other body part groups have hailed the action as a possible landmark move, stating that if the small butts win their suit, it will pave the way for their own future actions.
“We’ve been struggling under the pressure of our bigger counterparts for decades now, maybe centuries,” stated head of the Small Breasts League, Melissa Jacobson. “Big butts have got it together better than we do, and their action has been relatively swift. It will serve as an inspiration for the small boob community to pool our resources. We’re generally self-sufficient – we don’t need much support, you know – but if we work together we too can make our mark on society.”
Legal experts are divided on the predicted outcome of the lawsuit.
“I think they’ll win,” said our own correspondent, Nick Haymaker. “After all, there are still plenty of men and women out there who love the small booty.”
Donny Hubert of CNN, however, disagreed.
“Big butts are in, and that’s just the way it is. Nicki Minaj and the like are simply a sign of what the public wants. Anacondas need their homes, ya dig?”