Tom Hanks’ ‘Cast Away’ Co-Star Alleges Sexual Abuse During Filming


HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Tom Hanks is “America’s Favorite Actor,” but after allegations that just surfaced, many people might be re-thinking supporting his next role.

One of Hanks’ most memorable roles from the early 00’s is the film Cast Away, where Hanks is marooned on a deserted island after a plane crash. The entire film revolves around only two main characters – Hanks, and his friend, a volleyball he names Wilson.

Wilson the volleyball, who is represented by ICM Partners out of Los Angeles, recently released a statement through his lawyer that stated that Hanks sexually assaulted him throughout the entire filming of Cast Away, and then paid members of the production team to cover it up.

“Mr. Hanks would often grab, run, and fondle Wilson the Volleyball, and despite his assertions that he did not want to be touched, Mr. Hanks did not desist,” said Martin Schuster, Wilson’s lawyer. “Although we understand that the statute of limitations has passed on this crime, Wilson has decided to finally come forward and release this information, so that other balls in Hollywood films can feel safer.”

Hanks had no comment on the allegations, but since Wilson’s announcement, several other inanimate objects in film history have come forward alleging misconduct, including Rosebud, the sled from Citizen Kane, and the Ruby Slippers from The Wizard of Oz.

Tom Hanks Gains 200 Pounds To Play Your Mom In New Movie

tom hanks

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tom Hanks recently signed a deal with Universal to play Your Mom in a major motion picture. The actor, who is known for his extremely method abilities, including growing a full beard and losing over 75 pounds for his role in Cast Away, will reportedly put on over 200 pounds to play Your Mom in the movie.

“The thing is, I could never really be as ugly as Your Mom, but I could definitely get that fat,” said the actor. “This is undoubtedly going to be a tough role to play, but I am sure that once I get the weight on, I will look more like Your Mom, and I will start to feel more like Your Mom, too.”

Universal head Joe Goldsmith says that this is not the first time a movie about Your Mom has been in production, but until recently, they couldn’t find anyone interested in playing the part.

“Your Mom is kind of a drag, really. She’s lived a hard life and everything, but Your Mom is a real bitch, and we needed someone with real acting abilities to play that role,” said Goldsmith. “Your Mom is also a dirty slut, and that takes some careful writing in order to make Your Mom a character that everyone can relate to.”

Aaron Sorkin is writing the screenplay. JJ Abrams is currently in talks to direct.

Tom Hanks Stars in Forgotten Singer’s Music Video

Tom Hanks Stars in Forgotten Singer’s Music Video

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Beloved actor Tom Hanks’ latest role has been revealed and it’s a weird step sideways. He’s appeared in the music video for the new single of Carly Rae Jepson – a singer who many thought was better left forgotten. If you don’t recognize the name, you might recognize the ear worming chorus of 20-something-or-other hit, Call Me Maybe.

Now that that particular annoying tune is stuck in your head, you might want to head to YouTube, where you can find the unwanted comeback of the irritating nobody. Tom Hanks is one of the few enthusiasts.

“I really love that Carly’s making a comeback,” he told MTV. “She’s one of the great forgotten artist’s of our time. That song, Call Me Baby I think it was, was totes amazing. And the music video in which I think she hooks up with a car wash attendant – what a classic.”

#NeuralyzeUsFromCarlyRae is trending on Twitter, making reference to the device used in the Men In Black movies to cause people to forget specific incidents or knowledge.

“i had jst abt frgtn that fukn bitch. wy did she hafto cumbak” wrote loosewhore21.

“Obscurity – an island in the north where one hit wonders should settle” wrote a somewhat more eloquent TheRealKaiserWilhelm.

Fans of Tom Hanks have expressed their disappointment in bringing Jepson back into our lives. They believe that without his cameo, her music video would have passed under the radar, leaving us immune to her latest ear worm.

“The worst part is, it’s Tom Hanks whose career this reflects most on,” said lifelong fan, Hom Tanks. “If he’d appeared on a Lonely Island track, like all the cool stars do, that would be a step up. But this is hitting rock bottom. The only mitigating factor would be if it turns out he had an affair with her and she blackmailed him. That’s the only way my faith in Tom will ever be fully restored.”

At press time, Hanks had denied any lude affairs, saying, “I simply want to help a young girl – whoever thinks old dudes have sexual agendas with young girls is a pervert.”

Somali Pirate Sues Sony Pictures For Cut Of Profits From ‘Captain Phillips’

Somali Pirate Sue Sony Pictures For Cut Of Profits From ‘Captain Phillips’


HOLLYWOOD, California –

The ACLU representing a Somali pirate filed a lawsuit today against Sony Pictures, claiming that their client, Abduwali Muse, never gave his permission for his story to be told in movie, and has never received compensation. Captain Phillips was Sony Pictures 2013 hit, grossing over $218 billion worldwide. 

“How can the American Civil Liberties Union represent a Somali pirate, you ask? The answer is easy – he is being held in a U.S. prison,” said ACLU Lawyer Adam Aarons. “Mr Abduwali Muse, who the story ‘Captain Phillips’ is based on, is serving a 33 year sentence here in the United States. I’ve taken this case on because my client has not seen one dime of the profits of a movie which essentially tells his life story. Corporations need to be taught you can not walk all over the little people. We are asking for $100 million dollars, which upon winning, the ACLU will hold for Muse until he is done serving his 33 year sentence – minus our large cut, of course.”

“The ACLU won’t be happy until they destroy America,” said radio personality Rush Limbaugh. ”They take on the most stupid, inane cases possible. The will do anything for a buck, but this is their lowest moment, representing a murderous pirate against a film studio that, frankly, has had to endure enough these last few months.”

Sony has recently dealt with controversy of their own, after hacked emails leaked detailing sensitive conversations between executives, as well as a threat against the United States being lobbied by North Korea over the studio’s film The Interview. 

“I’m not sure who the ACLU is, really. I only signed the papers because they promised me money in my commissary to buy candy bars and gum,” said Abduwali Muse from inside his prison cell. ”I don’t want to upset anyone, I’m in jail because I’ve done horrible things. I feel guilty because they treat me so well – American Jail is nicer than my village. If you see the ACLU tell them I’m waiting for my candy.”


‘Sleepless In Seattle’ Remake Announced Starring Colin Hanks And Meg Ryan

 ‘Sleepless In Seattle’ Remake Announced Starring Colin Hanks And Meg Ryan

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Miramax announced today a remake or the 1993 hit film Sleepless in Seattle, and Meg Ryan has already signed on to the project. Filming is expected to begin in early spring.

“We are excited to remake Sleepless, and add in a little modern day twist,” said Louis DeCarlo, Miramax Executive. ”Meg Ryan will be playing her original role as Annie Reed, but now she is a 53-year-old widower. Her daughter, without her knowledge, will sign her up on a cougar dating site. Of the hundreds of replies one will stick out, a 37-year-old man from Seattle, played by Colin Hanks. Thats all I want to give away now, but I can tell you there will be a meeting on top of the Empire State Building on Valentine’s day.”

“I’m really excited to make this film over again. To be honest, my phone’s not exactly ringing off the hook anymore with starring roles,” said Meg Ryan. ”In Hollywood, once you lose your looks, all thats left to play is the nosy neighbor or a crazy cat lady. Or I suppose, in this case, a cougar.”

“This is my biggest role yet,” said Colin Hanks, when asked about preparing for the remake. “It’s been hard, sometimes, living in my father’s [Tom Hanks] shadow. This was a big hit for Dad, so I’m really hoping this remake launches my career to the next level.”

“Why don’t they leave classics alone for God’s sake?” said online reviewer and movie buff Carmine Classi. ”I mean, come on – Meg Ryan? I think we would all like to remember her as young, sex, and great jerk-off material. She’s aged worse than a pig in shit, or whatever that metaphor is. I can tell you right now, it ain’t pretty. I’d believe her as a cougar, but I don’t believe Colin Hanks as an interested young man.”


Meg Ryan circa 1993, when the original ‘Sleepless In Seattle’ was released


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