HOLLYWOOD, California –
Tom Hanks is “America’s Favorite Actor,” but after allegations that just surfaced, many people might be re-thinking supporting his next role.
One of Hanks’ most memorable roles from the early 00’s is the film Cast Away, where Hanks is marooned on a deserted island after a plane crash. The entire film revolves around only two main characters – Hanks, and his friend, a volleyball he names Wilson.
Wilson the volleyball, who is represented by ICM Partners out of Los Angeles, recently released a statement through his lawyer that stated that Hanks sexually assaulted him throughout the entire filming of Cast Away, and then paid members of the production team to cover it up.
“Mr. Hanks would often grab, run, and fondle Wilson the Volleyball, and despite his assertions that he did not want to be touched, Mr. Hanks did not desist,” said Martin Schuster, Wilson’s lawyer. “Although we understand that the statute of limitations has passed on this crime, Wilson has decided to finally come forward and release this information, so that other balls in Hollywood films can feel safer.”
Hanks had no comment on the allegations, but since Wilson’s announcement, several other inanimate objects in film history have come forward alleging misconduct, including Rosebud, the sled from Citizen Kane, and the Ruby Slippers from The Wizard of Oz.
MIAMI, Florida –
In a change that most men say they are very excited to see, ESPN has announced this morning that they will begin coverage of an all-nude women’s volleyball league starting in 2015. The action will take place on a new ESPN pay-per-view channel starting next June, with matches costing $39.95 each.
“ESPN realizes that ratings for beach volleyball peak every four years during the summer Olympics, and lets face it, the only reason people watch is to see girls from Brazil and the Ukraine in skimpy bikinis,” said ESPN announcer Kurt Kramer. “It’s safe to say Americans don’t even consider beach volleyball a real sport. It’s just T&A. In an effort to give viewers want they want, and to increase revenue for the network, of course, in 2015 we will air the All-Nude Women’s Beach Volleyball. Some of the biggest names in the sport have already signed on, and are looking forward to showing the world their skills and assets.”
”This is an outrage. Women already have to put up with sexist comments coming from the fans all the time. I don’t think I have ever been at an event without a ‘Nip Slip’ chant coming from the animals in the stands,” said Jane Jensen, 2012 volleyball silver medalist. “I for one will be sitting out the 2015 season in protest, and I am disappointed that many of my fellow American Olympians have been signing up – although I was not surprised to hear the Ukraine sluts were raring to go.”
“This is great! Women’s beach volleyball may become bigger than football,” said Mark Miller, an avid sports fan and ESPN viewer. ”Let’s face it – women’s sports are a joke, but this is a game changer. I would even watch women’s golf if they were nude. I don’t care that it’s on pay-per-view at forty bucks a pop, I’ll watch the shit out of volleyball now. I can’t wait for the season to start. The U.S. girls tend to be flat chested, so right now I would think the Brazil and Ukraine teams will have the upper hand in the games.”
When informed that the size of their breasts had nothing to do with the scoring during the matches, Miller went on to say “Yeah, whatever. Tittays, FTW!”