Apple Founder Steve Jobs Found Alive, Hiding Out In Jamaica

Apple Founder Steve Jobs Found Alive, Hiding Out In Jamaica


RIO BUENO, Jamaica –

A set of tourists were shocked to see a man who looked suspiciously like one of their idols on the beaches of Rio Bueno, Jamaica. Jake Nestar and Stacey Kenely, who are self-proclaimed Apple fanatics, were enjoying the sun and sand of Jamaica when they noticed a man who looked suspiciously like Apple Founder Steve Jobs. On further investigation, the two realized it was, in fact, the long-thought dead Jobs, and celebrated with such gusto that they blew the entrepreneur’s cover.

“We were just so excited to see the man who changed our lives so much,” said Nester. “I was like, ‘Babe, is that him?’ and she was all ‘Jake, you’re high.’ But I was pretty sure. Then she started looking up pictures of him on her iPad. Then she was all ‘OMG, Babe, that’s him.’ He was the dude.”

According to onlookers, Nester then ran up to Jobs, bragging about his new Apple products. The outburst caught the attention of some other tourists. Quickly, a mob formed around Jobs, and within minutes, news reporters were on the scene.

With his cover blown, Jobs had no choice but to speak on the matter.

“I was simply trying to enjoy my life,” the marketing genius said. “I had come to the beach thinking it was low season for tourists. I didn’t think anyone would recognize me.”

Jobs then explained his reason for the faked death. “I was under so much stress the last decade. I knew the only way people would stop constantly hassling me for ideas was if they thought I was dead. Do you have any idea how nice it is to not own personal electronic products? I’ve been free ever since the world stopped bothering me.”

The Apple founder did seem to have a relaxed and calm demeanor when speaking to reporters. The Island lifestyle did seem to agree with his new want in life.

“Nobody cares who I am down here. Nobody wants to bother me about what the new innovation or strategy will be. They just enjoy sitting and chatting, smoking weed or drinking rum. We all go down to the weekly Tupac and Biggie concerts and enjoy life without computers, cell phones, pads, pods, and other devices that suck the life out of you.”

When asked if he had any remorse about unveiling Job’s secret, Nester replied, “Did he say Tupac and Biggie concerts?”

O.J. Simpson In Shocking Confession: ‘I Shot Tupac Shakur’

LOVELOCK, Nevada – O.J. Simpson In Shocking Confession- 'I Shot Tupac Shakur'

During an interview with a BBC News affiliate earlier this week, 67-year-old O.J. Simpson shockingly confessed –  not to the murders of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman, but to the shooting death of deceased, iconic rap superstar Tupac Shakur, who was shot multiple times in a drive-by shooting on September 7, 1996, and died six days later.

Peter Reddington, a BBC journalist, traveled to Lovelock, Nevada earlier this month for a special one-on-one interview with O.J. Simpson at Lovelock Correctional Center, the prison in which Simpson is serving a thirty-three year sentence for crimes of robbery and kidnapping he committed in 2007.

“The interview was going as well as could be expected,” Reddington said. “I began to prod at the ol’ boy about whether or not he killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. At first he just sat there, like a lost boy on his bum, silent and mysteriously.” Redding said that it was shortly after those questions when Simpson began to get very talkative.

“He looked at me intently for several minutes, then out of nowhere he said, ‘I’ll tell you who I killed. it wasn’t Nicole and it wasn’t Ron Goldman. I shot Tupac that night in Las Vegas! It was me!’  I was absolutely flabbergasted and asked him if he was yanking my chain. He then got very angry, and said he wasn’t proud of it but he did it. He looked me right in the eye and said he had lost several thousand dollars because he had bet that Bruce Seldon would defeat Mike Tyson in their boxing match, he said that he was embarrassed because Tyson won by a first round knockout in less than two minutes, and that he and Shakur had somewhat of a feud earlier in the night.”

Simpson explained how he followed Shakur and rapper Suge Knight as they left a Las Vegas casino. “I followed the two thugs, I figured I’d do the planet a favor by taking out those wanna-be gangsters. Yes, I did it. That’s the only person I’ve ever killed. I didn’t hurt Ron or Nicole at all. On the other hand, you can read all about how I would have killed my wife in my book, If I Did It, available now through Amazon and at bookstores everywhere.”

Simpson is currently serving a thirty-three year sentence with possibility of parole in 2017. Las Vegas police have decided no to re-opened the Shakur investigation, saying that it’s ‘not possible’ that Simpson actually committed the crime, but would give no further details.


Suge Knight Shot At Party, Witnesses Say Assailant Resembled Tupac Shakur

HOLLYWOOD, California – Suge Knight Shot By Man Resembling Tupac Shakur According To Witness Reports

Early Sunday morning rap mogul and former Death Row Records CEO Suge Knight was shot several times at a party hosted by Chris Brown. Hundreds of witnesses have been interviewed by the Los Angeles Police Department and one odd thing kept arising in multiple interviews; several witnesses say a man who looked just like legendary deceased rapper Tupac Shakur had been spotted leading up to the incident, and several of those witnesses claim that this man is the one who shot Knight.

According to LAPD spokesperson Clifford Winston, witnesses assume that the assailant was either Tupac himself, or possibly even the ghost of Tupac, who had come back to avenge his own death.

“Several witnesses were very adamant that it was Tupac Shakur who shot Suge Knight. One witness, who seemed to be in shock, said it was definitely Shakur, and that he had to be alive. Others said there was no way he was alive, and that his spirit was the one who committed the crime. Either way you lean, these witnesses are all sure that it was Tupac himself.”

Several people believe that the assassination attempt on Knight was retaliation for the shooting death of Shakur eighteen years ago. Shakur was riding with Knight in Knight’s car on September 7, 1996 when he was shot multiple times in a Las Vegas, Nevada drive-by shooting. Shakur died six days later on September 13th. Several theories suggest that Knight set Shakur up for the shooting.

Former bodyguard of Tupac Shakur, Isaac “Big Slick” Johnson, told Empire News that Knight wanted Shakur dead, “Pac was scared and he even told me just the night before it happened that he was involved in some hardcore shit and something was gonna go down. He told me that he might have to disappear for a while if he lives, and told me if he lives, it was gonna take a long time to deal with the matter. I didn’t know what he meant and he told me not to repeat what he told me, he made me promise,” Johnson said. “Personally I think he is alive and I think he had something to do with the shooting of Suge Knight. He didn’t want to be with Suge that night, you can see it in his eyes in the last picture taken of him. Look at that picture, Pac looks nervous and Suge looks like he is up to no good.” Johnson added.

Winston also told the press that several of the witnesses thought that the the man looked just like Shakur, albeit with a full beard.

“While many witnesses say the man looked like Shakur, we believe it is a coincidence. That being said, there are an astounding number of people on the scene who actually believe that it was really was Shakur. As you can imagine, this throws quite a mysterious wrench into the pending investigation. We are surely re-launching the shooting investigation of Tupac Shakur from way back in 1996 to make sure we have all the information necessary in this shooting. We have our hands full and we ask that anyone with information, to please come forward. They could definitely do the community some good,” Winston said.

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