Apple to Release Screenless Macbook That Projects Visuals Directly Into User’s Brain

Apple to Release Screenless Macbook That Projects Visuals Directly Into User's Brain


SILICON VALLEY, California – 

Since CEO Tim Cook took on leadership roles at the company, fans of Apple have been underwhelmed by their new releases and updates. Critics constantly point out that little has changed in the smartphone market since the iPhone 4, and the Macbook has remained at the level of “just good.”

“Steve Jobs used to take flawless devices and make them better,” tech blogger, Robert Hobbes wrote. “But since 2011, we’ve been bored with gadgets that offer everything we could have wished for and more – will the next unimaginable novelty ever be released?”

Current Apple CEO, Tim Cook, answered that question today with a resounding yes. Cook was always going to have a hard time following the Jobs era, but his stock hit an embarrassing low after his cringeworthy excitement at the launch of the rather milquetoast Apple Watch. Now, however, he has come up with the next piece of technology to change the world.

“I have created the first screenless laptop!” he announced, the maniacal gleam in his eyes rivalling his predecessors greatest moments. The crowd roared in unison. “The public will never have to stare at a screen again. With the release of the Macbook ThinAir, the way we look at technology – or rather the way we don’t look at technology – will change forever.”

Apple’s website explained exactly how the product will work.

“The most advanced screenless technology to date is here,” it read. “The new Macbook ThinAir – named for the feature that the screen is made entirely of air which has been chemically depleted to be as lightweight as possible – will project the image straight from the processor into the user’s brain. The advantages of this new technology are far reaching. The average citizen will never have to use his or her eyes again. Instead, the Macbook will project visuals of the 360 surroundings of the individual, on which the content of the processor will be overlayed. Sounds and scents will be transmitted in the same way, making three of the five human senses superfluous.”

The Macbook ThinAir looks very much like the current Macbooks, except the screen area is just solid metal. In place of the standard webcam is the sensor that will input images directly into the brain of the user. ThinAir is expected to launch by the end of the year, with a price of $5000. A mouse will be available for purchase for $3000. A constant supply of $500 batteries will also reportedly be needed to retain clear eyesight, hearing and smell. Batteries, like all Apple products, will be aesthetically pleasing, available only from Apple, and will only ever be sold in single packs, with no discounts for bulk quantities.

Apple Founder Steve Jobs Found Alive, Hiding Out In Jamaica

Apple Founder Steve Jobs Found Alive, Hiding Out In Jamaica


RIO BUENO, Jamaica –

A set of tourists were shocked to see a man who looked suspiciously like one of their idols on the beaches of Rio Bueno, Jamaica. Jake Nestar and Stacey Kenely, who are self-proclaimed Apple fanatics, were enjoying the sun and sand of Jamaica when they noticed a man who looked suspiciously like Apple Founder Steve Jobs. On further investigation, the two realized it was, in fact, the long-thought dead Jobs, and celebrated with such gusto that they blew the entrepreneur’s cover.

“We were just so excited to see the man who changed our lives so much,” said Nester. “I was like, ‘Babe, is that him?’ and she was all ‘Jake, you’re high.’ But I was pretty sure. Then she started looking up pictures of him on her iPad. Then she was all ‘OMG, Babe, that’s him.’ He was the dude.”

According to onlookers, Nester then ran up to Jobs, bragging about his new Apple products. The outburst caught the attention of some other tourists. Quickly, a mob formed around Jobs, and within minutes, news reporters were on the scene.

With his cover blown, Jobs had no choice but to speak on the matter.

“I was simply trying to enjoy my life,” the marketing genius said. “I had come to the beach thinking it was low season for tourists. I didn’t think anyone would recognize me.”

Jobs then explained his reason for the faked death. “I was under so much stress the last decade. I knew the only way people would stop constantly hassling me for ideas was if they thought I was dead. Do you have any idea how nice it is to not own personal electronic products? I’ve been free ever since the world stopped bothering me.”

The Apple founder did seem to have a relaxed and calm demeanor when speaking to reporters. The Island lifestyle did seem to agree with his new want in life.

“Nobody cares who I am down here. Nobody wants to bother me about what the new innovation or strategy will be. They just enjoy sitting and chatting, smoking weed or drinking rum. We all go down to the weekly Tupac and Biggie concerts and enjoy life without computers, cell phones, pads, pods, and other devices that suck the life out of you.”

When asked if he had any remorse about unveiling Job’s secret, Nester replied, “Did he say Tupac and Biggie concerts?”

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