World’s Oldest Prostitute Makes Plans To Retire At Age 86

Posted on November 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Molly Suxcawk has been performing her namesake as a professional prostitute since 1943 in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada, but she says what was once a calling has become more of a chore.

“I choked down my first belly full of sperm at the ripe ol’ age of 14, and I never looked back,” said Suxcawk. “I’ve been out here in Vegas, enjoying my job for the better part of 70 years, but this has definitely become a young woman’s game, and it’s time I bow out, as it were. You can only take so much before an ol’ fashioned feels less like helping a guy out and more like your arm might fall off.”

Suxcawk was recognized by Guinness as the World’s Oldest Prostitute in 2007 when she was just about 79 years old.

“There aren’t too many women like me still in the game,” said Suxcawk. “Many of them got out of it in the 80s when AIDs was becoming prevalent. A lot of them died of things like syphilis or The Black Plague, but I’ve powered through, and I’ve been doing pretty good.”

Suxcawk estimates than in her time as a professional whore, she’s had sex with more than 45,000 men.

“Sure, that seems like a lot, but I did make a handful of them wear rubbers, so it was mostly safe,” said Suxcawk, smoking a cigarette and hacking up green phlegm. “I think I’m in pretty good shape for a woman of my age, but I tell you, I throw out my back nearly every time I have to put my legs behind my head, and I’m so stopped up, I can’t even drop out a Cleveland steamer on a guy’s chest anymore. Of course, at my age, I don’t have any problems with giving golden showers, that’s for sure. I think I dribbled a few drops just sitting here talking to you.”

Suxcawk says she will retire at the end of the year, and plans to finish high school.

Lamar Odom Credits ‘Hookers, Cocaine’ For Saving His Marriage

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Lamar Odom, former LA Lakers basketball player, was rushed to a Los Vegas hospital last week after collapsing at one of Vegas’ many famous whorehouses. Reportedly spending almost $100,000 at the brother over several days, Odom collapsed after what doctors say was “too much cocaine” and “too many blowjobs.”

The silver lining for Odom, though, is that estranged wife, Khloe Kardashian, immediately rushed to his hospital bedside. According to anonymous sources at the hospital, she has yet to leave his side.

“Khloe has been sitting right there by Lamar’s bedside, and was patiently waiting for him to wake up,” said a nurse who asked not to be named. “The minute his eyes opened, she started crying, and said she’d never leave him.”

Despite Odom still having a long way to go to full recovery, including surgery to repair his kidneys, which are currently non-functioning, as well as lung issues, he reportedly credits “hookers and blow” for saving his marriage.

“If I wasn’t out there, snorting huge lines of crank of some hooker’s fat dumper, I would have never landed in the hospital, and Khloe and I might have never spoken again,” said Odom. “I am so glad that she is here by my side. Hookers and blow saved my motherfucking marriage!”

O.J. Simpson In Shocking Confession: ‘I Shot Tupac Shakur’

Posted on December 23, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOVELOCK, Nevada –

During an interview with a BBC News affiliate earlier this week, 67-year-old O.J. Simpson shockingly confessed – not to the murders of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman, but to the shooting death of deceased, iconic rap superstar Tupac Shakur, who was shot multiple times in a drive-by shooting on September 7, 1996, and died six days later.

Peter Reddington, a BBC journalist, traveled to Lovelock, Nevada earlier this month for a special one-on-one interview with O.J. Simpson at Lovelock Correctional Center, the prison in which Simpson is serving a thirty-three year sentence for crimes of robbery and kidnapping he committed in 2007.

“The interview was going as well as could be expected,” Reddington said. “I began to prod at the ol’ boy about whether or not he killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. At first he just sat there, like a lost boy on his bum, silent and mysteriously.” Redding said that it was shortly after those questions when Simpson began to get very talkative.

“He looked at me intently for several minutes, then out of nowhere he said, ‘I’ll tell you who I killed. it wasn’t Nicole and it wasn’t Ron Goldman. I shot Tupac that night in Las Vegas! It was me!’ I was absolutely flabbergasted and asked him if he was yanking my chain. He then got very angry, and said he wasn’t proud of it but he did it. He looked me right in the eye and said he had lost several thousand dollars because he had bet that Bruce Seldon would defeat Mike Tyson in their boxing match, he said that he was embarrassed because Tyson won by a first round knockout in less than two minutes, and that he and Shakur had somewhat of a feud earlier in the night.”

Simpson explained how he followed Shakur and rapper Suge Knight as they left a Las Vegas casino. “I followed the two thugs, I figured I’d do the planet a favor by taking out those wanna-be gangsters. Yes, I did it. That’s the only person I’ve ever killed. I didn’t hurt Ron or Nicole at all. On the other hand, you can read all about how I would have killed my wife in my book, If I Did It, available now through Amazon and at bookstores everywhere.”

Simpson is currently serving a thirty-three year sentence with possibility of parole in 2017. Las Vegas police have decided no to re-opened the Shakur investigation, saying that it’s ‘not possible’ that Simpson actually committed the crime, but would give no further details.

Las Vegas Casino Owners, Gaming Commission Seek To Legalize Dog Fighting

Posted on October 12, 2014 by DvanL

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

The steady decline in revenue affecting many casinos across the country has forced many gaming houses to seek other sources of income. As a result, the gambling industry has been quietly seeking a controversial betting offshoot – legalized and industry regulated dog fighting.

“Think of the images of Michael Vick and everything else that comes to mind when you mention dog fighting,” said Roger Kenny, administrator with the Nevada Gaming Commission. In a press release he stated, “If we regulate dog fighting, promote it as a sport, eventually people will come to accept it, and it will be as common as blackjack or prostitution. We’d like to change the negative perception that certain groups have put out there about the activity,” he said.

It’s going to be an uphill battle. After the Commission’s press release was made public, animal rights groups, including PETA, the ASPCA, and the World Wildlife Foundation all reacted with condemnation of the proposal.

Dog trainer and television host Cesar Millan said, “This is the most inhumane act that I can think of. Dogs are our companions and are among the most intelligent creatures on Earth. Something like this with cats, now that I could understand,” continued Millan. “Put a couple of cats in a boxing ring, maybe with little gloves and helmets – nobody’s going to give a crap, it’s just cats. But with dogs, it’s different – they’re man’s best friend. When I heard this news I wanted to rabidly tear the Commission’s collective throat out.”

Chairman and CEO of Las Vegas Sands Corporation Sheldon Adelson remarked, “From what I’ve been told, I think in foreign countries this kind of thing is already legal. I’m not sure, but if it is, we should try to get in on it here. It would be a sin to let all that revenue just go to the dogs,” he said.

The proliferation of online gambling sites is largely blamed for forcing the gambling industry to think outside the box. Although internet gambling is technically illegal, members of the powerful gaming commission are hiring lobbyists to work overtime in an effort to change that legislation as well.

“Right now it’s a crap shoot,” said Kenny. “But it’s going to be a thing, I’d bet good money on it. After all,” he added with a wink, “every dog has his day.”

Las Vegas Bans EDM, Dubstep Music From Being Played In Public

Posted on June 23, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Las Vegas mayor Betsy Fretwell announced today that the city, which has a long history with music and nightlife, has decided to ban all electronic dance music, dubstep, house, and any other “annoying sounds” from being played in public. The ban would not just be for people playing it loudly in their cars while driving or in their homes, but it also bans all artists from playing that kind of “music” in any club or casino within the city limits.

“We may be known as Sin City to people around the world,” said Fretwell. “But what we are not is tolerant of bad performances. This city has a history of outstanding music. The strip has been home to everyone from Frank Sinatra and Elton John, to Garth Brooks and Britney Spears. We love all types of music. That said, though, this so-called ‘dubstep’ and ‘EDM’ – these are not musical genres. They are noise, and they are obnoxious. The people of Las Vegas don’t want talentless hacks filling our casinos and nightclubs.”

Fretwell said that the ban would have to be strictly enforced by all private casinos, or they would face fines.

“We are pretty positive that the casinos and clubs of Las Vegas will abide by this new ban. Even if they don’t, it will be so strictly monitored by the people who live in this city, a club would be stupid to book a show. They’ll know that the city will tear them apart like a fat man eating at an all-you-can eat buffet.”

“To be honest, this won’t hurt our business at all.” Said Mark Tidwin, president of the Sands Casino on the strip in Las Vegas. “We very rarely would book crap like that, so it isn’t going to bother us that we can have that Skrilly guy here, or whatever his name is.”

Las Vegas is the first city in the country to outright ban dubstep music, although many other cities have ordinances that only allow it to be played in areas where there are no homes or businesses. Decatur, Alalbama, for example, has a regulation that dubstep “can only be played between the hours of 3pm and 5pm, and must be only played in an area where it cannot be heard by anyone within a 30 mile radius.”

Opponents of the ban were hard to find, as most self-respecting people that were asked would not admit to listening to that type of music. Even one teenager in Las Vegas, who was wearing a t-shirt for Deadmau5, a house music producer, denied listening to that type of music when questioned about the ban.

“I just like the design on this shirt. I got it on clearance at Hot Topic.” Said the teen. “Does anyone actually like that garbage if they’re not on drugs? I mean hell, it’s just a dude pressing buttons on his computer.”

Fretwell says she is glad that the ban was passed with no push-back from the city council.

“It’s a great day. I can go outside, and I can hear the drunks and the slot machines, the old folks and the high-rollers. Thank God, though, I don’t have to hear any wub-wub.”