Wal-Mart Says They Are Canceling All Black Friday Sales, Events

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BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Wal-Mart Stores, Inc., the world’s largest retailer, has announced – very last minute – that they will be pulling out of Black Friday sales and events, and will be closed on Thanksgiving, with stores reopening at 8am on Friday morning.

“We will not have the major sales this year, and we are hoping that other stores will follow suit,” said Wal-Mart CEO Tim Brown. “Over the years, we’ve had fights, guns, deaths, trampled customers, and more, and we are sick of it. This year, we are closing on Thanksgiving, paying all of our employees for the day off, and then come Friday, we will open back up at our regular time of 8am. No deals, nothing extra, just our normal rollback, everyday savings.”

Many customers who already had their Black Friday shopping routes mapped out were more than outraged, taking to social media to call the company out for not allowing them to shop.

“This is some serious bullshit, @Walmart,” tweeted user @ShopAHo-Lick. “I needed me some shoes, some DVDs, and I was gonna get me that tablet. Fuck you Walmart. I be at @Target.”

“I really was hoping to get the new Roku box for cheap, but I guess I’ll just pay normal price for it,” said Facebook user Mark Moore. “This is insane. How can I save money at Walmart if they won’t just open on Thanksgiving and let me gorge out on savings and deals? I guess I won’t be going into debt again this year. You greedy bastards.”

Wal-Mart says that a little customer anger is nothing compared to the long-term effects of pulling out of Black Friday sales.

“They’ll still shop with us, what choice do they even have?” said Brown.

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