Scientists Baffled Over Chicken That Can Talk, But Only Speaks In Racial Epithets

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Researchers

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Harvard Medical School say they are “baffled” by a chicken that was left on their campus by an unknown person. The chicken, which is of the average, normal-looking variety, has a very bizarre trait, though – this chicken can talk.

“Black people are a disgrace, especially black men. They just get arrested, make babies, run out on their families, and get arrested again,” said the chicken, which confusingly speaks only in racist epithets. “Keep refugees out of this country. Foreigners are a plight, and they’ll raise taxes and get free health care! Goddamn you, Obama!”

“It’s really a mystery where this chicken came from,” said head researcher Dr. Martin Chome. “Well, it’s not a mystery that the chicken came from an extremely right-wing home, with a definite bigoted, republican owner. We are baffled, though, at how it is that he came to speak, in perfect English, and only when saying something extraordinarily racist.”

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When the chicken is not speaking, it clucks and bobs its head, like any other chicken you would see that was not already laying on your dinner plate. Whenever it raises its head to speak, though, it becomes cruel and vile.

“I hate Mexicans, and they should build a big fucking wall to keep all those dirty spics in their own country,” said the chicken. “Jews are nasty. The holocaust was amazing, and I wish it was still going on. 6 million Jews? Nigga, please. They kill 6 million chickens every day, you don’t see my crying about it. Pansies.”

Researchers say that they will continue to look into the amazing origins of the chicken for a little longer, but they are planning on plucking him and eating her very, very soon.

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