Scientists Baffled Over Chicken That Can Talk, But Only Speaks In Racial Epithets

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at Harvard Medical School say they are “baffled” by a chicken that was left on their campus by an unknown person. The chicken, which is of the average, normal-looking variety, has a very bizarre trait, though – this chicken can talk.

“Black people are a disgrace, especially black men. They just get arrested, make babies, run out on their families, and get arrested again,” said the chicken, which confusingly speaks only in racist epithets. “Keep refugees out of this country. Foreigners are a plight, and they’ll raise taxes and get free health care! Goddamn you, Obama!”

“It’s really a mystery where this chicken came from,” said head researcher Dr. Martin Chome. “Well, it’s not a mystery that the chicken came from an extremely right-wing home, with a definite bigoted, republican owner. We are baffled, though, at how it is that he came to speak, in perfect English, and only when saying something extraordinarily racist.”

When the chicken is not speaking, it clucks and bobs its head, like any other chicken you would see that was not already laying on your dinner plate. Whenever it raises its head to speak, though, it becomes cruel and vile.

“I hate Mexicans, and they should build a big fucking wall to keep all those dirty spics in their own country,” said the chicken. “Jews are nasty. The holocaust was amazing, and I wish it was still going on. 6 million Jews? Nigga, please. They kill 6 million chickens every day, you don’t see my crying about it. Pansies.”

Researchers say that they will continue to look into the amazing origins of the chicken for a little longer, but they are planning on plucking him and eating her very, very soon.

LINCOLN, Iowa –

An anonymous chicken farmer in Iowa has come forward this week, claiming that KFC, the world’s largest fast food chicken restaurant chain, has been paying him for years to raise “mutated chickens,” including ones that have multiple heads, extra legs, and some that have 6 or 7 wings.

“Years ago, a man came to visit me at my home, and asked if I wanted to raise chickens for KFC,” said the farmer, who wishes to remain anonymous. “I said ‘sure,’ and we settled on a specific payment that I’d like to not disclose. Anyway, some time went by, and the man came back. He brought with him a very odd type of feed, and told me to start giving it to the chickens.”

The farmer says that for the last 3 years, KFC has been paying him and delivering this “mystery feed,” which he says it what is causing all the mutations.

“They’re giving me little black pellets to feed the chickens, I don’t know what they are,” said the Farmer. “Curiously, though, neither the man who originally visited me, nor anyone else from KFC, has come to collect the mutated chickens. They do come and take the regular ones that I also raise, but the mutated ones just stay here until they die. I wish I knew more about their plans, but it seems that maybe they just want me to raise some fucked up looking chickens just for fun.”

KFC was not reached out to for comment.