8 Texas Girls Scouts Arrested In Drug Trafficking Bust

Posted on January 5, 2015 by Abe Abrams

DEL RIO, Texas –

8 girl scouts have been arrested for delivering more than just addicting cookies to homes in Del Rio, Texas. The girls have been accused of working closely with a Mexican drug cartel, delivering cocaine door-to-door in cookie boxes. The names of the girls are being withheld due to their ages, ranging from 12 to 14.

“At this time, we are not sure how long the cartel has been using girl scouts,” said Del Rio Sheriff Wayne Walker. “The truth is, we stumbled on it accidentally when two of the girls delivered a box of cocaine to one of my deputies instead of dropping off the Samoas and Thin Mints he ordered.”

According to Walker, Deputy Johnson received a ¼ kilo of cocaine instead of the boxes of cookies he was expecting.

“We started surveillance of the girls immediately after, and made the bust when we were sure we had the major players. In total we apprehended 8 girl scouts, 6 customers, and one driver. We also recovered a van full of thin mints with each box containing ½ kilo of cocaine, with a total street value of approximately 20 million dollars, plus about $120 in cookies.”

“I’m not sure why the Thin Mints delivered to my house only had a ¼ kilo instead of a ½ kilo of cocaine,” Deputy Johnson said via Skype while on vacation in Aruba. “It’s one of those mysteries we’ll never figure out I guess. The girls have lawyered up, and they’re not talking.”

Girl Scout Spokesperson Sally Smith says that you can’t blame the girls, and that they are just doing their best.

“These girls were obvious troubled youths. The Girl Scouts of America pride themselves of turning troubled girls around to a righteous path, but unfortunately we can’t help everyone,” said Smith. “With the knowledge that these girls had been selling cocaine, though, we have decided to give them their ‘Big Earner’ merit badge, which goes to only the most tenacious girls who are definitely future entrepreneurs!”

Troop Leader in Custody After Using Girls Scouts as Drug Mules

Posted on August 19, 2014 by JP

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –

A Philadelphia women is under arrest after admitting to using a group of girls to help her sell and traffic drugs. The woman, Marlene Jacobs, 44, was a camp leader for a local chapter of the Girl Scouts and had allegedly been filling cookie boxes with assortments of drugs, and using the girls to deliver them to her customers.

Police say that Jacobs had been placing cocaine and prescription pills into certain boxes of Girl Scout Cookies, then making sure that the girls delivered them to a designated address. Jacobs would mark the boxes with a sticker, and had been running her scheme for the last 4 years.

“We didn’t know anything about what was in the cookie boxes,” said Michelle Hall, 11. “We always thought it was funny that we’d drop off cookies and get big bags of money. Other troops were only getting a few dollars a box. I was getting over $100 sometimes. I just thought Ms. Jacobs was a good pre-seller.”

“None of us parents had any idea this was going on, that our children were being used as drug mules,” said Karen Driver, a mother of one of the girls Jacobs’ had used to sell drugs. “It’s disgusting that she would do such a thing. I mean heck, the cookies themselves are already like a drug. Have you tried Samoas? Oh my God.”

The entire scheme failed after one of the girls accidentally sold a box with prescription pills inside to a police officer. According to reports, the box either never received a sticker, or the sticker fell off, and it was delivered by mistake.

“We were never supposed to deliver boxes with stickers to anyone who didn’t pre-order them through Ms. Jacobs,” said Hall. “She must have forgotten and gave me the wrong box, and that’s the one I gave to the policeman.”

“For a moment I thought maybe I won some type of prize or something, but when I realized what was in the cookie box I was blown away,” said police officer Martin Lovell. “I immediately tracked down the girl who had sold them to me, and questioned where she had gotten the cookies. After a bit of conversation, it was clear the boxes were rationed to all the girls by their troop leader.”

Jacobs is now awaiting her court date. If convicted, she could face up to 15 years in prison.

“Thankfully, the fact that box contained cocaine didn’t taint the cookies at all,” said Lovell. “My Thin Mints were still delicious, as always!”

Wal-Mart Bans Girls Scouts From Selling Cookies In Front of Stores

Posted on July 24, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

Wal-Mart stores have announced this morning that they will no longer be allowing members of any Girl Scout troops to sell cookies in front of their stores, claiming that Girl Scout Cookies directly compete with their own ‘Great Value’ brand of cookies.

“We, as a company, have decided to no longer allow the Girl Scouts of America to sell their cookies in front of our establishments,” said Douglas Mcmillon, President and CEO of Wal-Mart Stores, INC. “We at Wal-Mart sell our own line of baked snack foods, including several cookie flavors that the Girl Scouts also sell. We have come to the decision that they are a competing brand, and management at all locations has been informed to deny permission to any troops looking to sell at their stores.”

Wal-Mart has been allowing Girl Scout troops to set up tables and sell their cookies in front of stores for decades. Suddenly and abruptly pulling their permission has come as a shock to many parents of young Girl Scout members, many of whom say they will boycott the company completely.

“I cannot believe that they would do something like this to our girls,” said Mary Lambert, a mother of 2 girls in the Scout program. “We have been going to our local Wal-Mart and selling cookies together as a group for the last 3 years. This is an outrage. If they think I’m going to buy their stupid cookies, they are dead wrong. I won’t buy anything there anymore!”

“We understand that people are going to be upset,” said Mcmillon. “There isn’t much we can do to change that. They sell Caramel Delites, we sell Caramel Fudge and Coconut Cookies. They sell Thin Mints, we sell Chocolate Mint Wafer Cookies. It’s about the Scouts stealing money from us, and we can’t have that. You don’t see Coca-Cola parked in front of Pepsi retailers selling their sodas, do you?”

Although not as numerous in locations as Wal-Mart, big box retailer K-Mart has stepped up to the plate, offering their locations as selling points for all Girl Scout troops.

“We don’t sell our own brand of cookies. To be honest, we don’t sell much of anything,” said Patricia Miller, president of Sears Holdings, the parent company of K-Mart. “All Girl Scout troops are more than welcome to block our entryways to sell their delicious cookies.”

Curiously, Wal-Mart has not banned the Boy Scouts of America from selling their popcorn tins in front of their locations. Parents of several Girl Scout members think it’s less about money, and more about sexism.

“Wal-Mart is known for being horrible to their workers, and being downright abysmal to their female employees,” said Lambert. “We think this is just more sexism from the biggest company in the world. They’re banning our girls, but the boys can shill their popcorn ’til the cows come home.”

Several troop leaders, as well as many groups of parents throughout the country, have initiated a boycott of Wal-Mart stores. At the time of this writing, Wal-Mart representative could not be reached for further comment.