ATLANTA, Georgia –
A recent study by a team of medical professionals hired by the Coca-Cola company reportedly proves that drinking the soda in large amounts can effectively cure diabetes in people who suffer from the disease.
“The way that Coca-Cola is made, we found that is has extremely high levels of sugar, and normally that would be bad,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, one of the lead researchers hired by the company. “But, what happens when you drink extreme amounts of Coca-Cola is that your body almost ‘forgets’ that it is drinking sugar. If you drink nothing but Coca-Cola and Coca-Cola products, eventually your body gets used to it, and believes, essentially, that you are drinking water.”
Brown says they studied 500 people with diabetes, and put them on a strict diet of nothing but Coca-Cola.
“I have been drinking nothing but Coke for over a year now,” said test subject Jamal Jenkins. “I feel mostly okay. I don’t move to good, since they removed my feet awhile back, but otherwise, I’m pretty decent. I’m also stoked that I have a lifetime supply of Coke thanks to being a part of this project. I do love me some soda. Can’t beat the real thing.”
Brown states that of the 500 people who had diabetes at the start of the research program, 132 of them had since died, and the rest still had diabetes.
“We’re counting those deaths in the ‘win’ column,” said Brown. “Those people definitely don’t have diabetes anymore.”