BOSTON, Massachusetts –
Remnants of an old, sunken pirate ship were found off the coast of Boston, Massachusetts yesterday by treasure hunters who had reportedly found documentation claiming that a ship had sunk there over 600 years ago.
“We really didn’t expect to find anything, at least not so quickly,” said Gary Richards, who headed the expedition. “We found materials that lead us to that area, claiming that a ship, The Black Death, was wrecked there in 1423. The ship was said to have been a legitimate pirate ship, and could possible have contained billions of dollars worth of gold.”
What Richards and his team found, though, was something entirely more amazing.
“We did find the gold, yes. There was an entire ship down there, almost preserved by the salt water, and we were able to dive down using specialized equipment to board it. What we found were hundreds of small ‘treasure chest’ style boxes, filled with everything from doubloons to bones.”
Richards says that they believe that the boxes filled with bones may have been the crew’s way of discarding the bodies of dead hookers.
“We found what amounts to about $3.7 billion dollars worth of treasure on this ship, which will be parted out to museums,” said Richards. “Sadly, the bones of the dead whores will be left, buried at sea, with the memories of some ill-fated nights, no doubt.”
Researchers are scratching their heads over a giant skull that washed ashore on a beach in San Fransisco early yesterday morning, saying they have never seen anything like it before.
The skull, which resembles that of a canine, but measures over 10 feet long and stands over 8 feet tall, seems to be of a creature who died only within the last few years.
“This is not some prehistoric skull that washed ashore after millions of years tumbling under the waves,” said research scientist Anthony Moore. “This is a creature that died only a short while ago, probably within the last 2 years. It’s mind-boggling that there could be a creature out there of this size, and no one had seen it previously.”
Based on the size of the skull, the research team estimates that the creature, which they’re referring to as “Sandy,” would be approximately 40 to 50 feet long, and could potentially way as much as 3 killer whales.
“It’s intense, really, because if there are more of these creatures out there, they’re definitely not friendly. These teeth, they would kill most other animals in seconds flat,” said Moore. “We’re at a loss, really, for what this is or where it might have come from. It is definitely real bone, though.”
TURKEL, Taiwan –
Charlie Chen is a marvel of the medical community. 30 years ago, he was born completely healthy, except for one small problem: he did not have a single bone in his body.
“They told my parents that I would be lucky to live one full day, but here I am, 30 years later, and I’m doing fine,” said Chen from his home in Turkel. “I have actually outlived my parents, both of whom died within the last few years. Surprising, really, because they were both really healthy.”
Chen says that he lives a normal life, for the most part, and loves to sit around and watch movies, eat junk food, and have his government pay for everything.
“They think I’m special, so they keep me fed and pay for my bills,” said Chen. “Basically, I am an American but I am actually from Taiwan. Hahaha.”
Doctors are constantly watching over Chen, and they say at this rate, they see no reason why he wouldn’t live until his 50s or 60s, the average age for this in his country.
BEIJING, China –
Researchers have uncovered new evidence revealing the true purpose of the Great Wall of China. Built largely by the Ming Dynasty, long-standing belief has always been that it was built to keep out invading Mongols hordes.
“Started in the 7th century, and finished by the Ming Dynasty, the Great Wall of China has had many different theories as to what was its true purpose. As many as one million people died in its construction, and their remains became part of the wall,” said Archaeologist Richard Reginald. “Through DNA testing of bones found in the wall, and analysis of artifacts found in the wall, we believe that we have finally identified the true purpose of the wall.”
According to Reginald, DNA analysis of bones in the wall prove that the workers were of non-Chinese ethnicity. “The only conclusion,” said Reginald, “is that the Great Wall of China was built by cheap Mexican labor for the sole purpose of keeping out Mexicans and other ‘unwanteds.'”
”See I was right, I’ve been saying this all along, what we need is a great wall of America,” said Senator Ted Cruz upon hearing the news. “It worked for the Chinese, obviously – there isn’t a damn Mexican in China, that’s for sure. It can work for us. We can the get the illegals to build it cheap, and when it’s done, we will throw them a big party and say ‘Congratulations, Amigos, how’s it look on the Mexico side?’ and when they go look, we slam the gate on them! It’s ideas like this that will make me a perfect candidate to be the next President.”