TURKEL, Taiwan –
Charlie Chen is a marvel of the medical community. 30 years ago, he was born completely healthy, except for one small problem: he did not have a single bone in his body.
“They told my parents that I would be lucky to live one full day, but here I am, 30 years later, and I’m doing fine,” said Chen from his home in Turkel. “I have actually outlived my parents, both of whom died within the last few years. Surprising, really, because they were both really healthy.”
Chen says that he lives a normal life, for the most part, and loves to sit around and watch movies, eat junk food, and have his government pay for everything.
“They think I’m special, so they keep me fed and pay for my bills,” said Chen. “Basically, I am an American but I am actually from Taiwan. Hahaha.”
Doctors are constantly watching over Chen, and they say at this rate, they see no reason why he wouldn’t live until his 50s or 60s, the average age for this in his country.
FREEDOM, New Hampshire –
A woman who died in a car accident last week in New Hampshire gave funeral directors at a local morgue quite a scare this morning, after the staff discovered that the woman’s baby, who was thought to have also died in the crash, was still alive. The mortician, Brian Warner, and his assistant, Carlie Neil, were able to successfully remove the baby from its mother, and the newborn is said to be in fair condition at Freedom Memorial Hospital.
“Craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Warner of the incident. “The woman, I won’t say her name out of respect for the deceased, but the woman was brought in a few days ago, and she was a wreck. Just awful. Accident nearly tore her face clean off. You ever seen someone whose face was ripped from their body? Of course you haven’t. I’ve seen worse in my day thanks to that Vietnam Conflict, but not by much.”
“I was just prepping her for embalming, when I noticed that there was something moving under the skin of her stomach,” said Neil. “I honestly thought it could be some sort of parasite. Turns out I was close – it was her baby. Since she was dead already, we didn’t bother with any formalities – we just cut into her and pulled the baby right out. He was pretty lethargic when we pulled him out, but I’d seen enough movies and TV to know one quick smack on the ass would fix him up, and it worked. He took a breath, and he never stopped crying after that.”
Doctors say that for the woman’s baby to have survived 6 days inside of her after she had died is nothing short of miraculous.
“Babies feed off what their mother’s eat and drink – they really are like a little parasite growing inside. A person can’t normally go that long without food or water, and a growing baby needs the nutrition even more. The fact that he made it out alive, I can’t believe it. It’s highly possible that he’s the reincarnated Baby Jesus or something. I don’t know, I’m just a doctor, what do I know? I have to say, though, that this whole situation is a medical marvel.”