World’s Oldest Woman – Who Drank a Glass of Formaldehyde Every Day For 60 Years – Dies At Age 187

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

The oldest living person in history, Bertha Flake, has died at 187.

Flake, who was born in 1831, has been listed as the oldest living person in the Guinness World Records book since 1955, when she turned 124. At that point doctors thought that she would not have much longer to live, but after meeting with a “mystic” in 1957, Flake began to see her health improve.

The mystic told Flake to begin drinking filtered formaldehyde each day before eating her normal breakfast. Despite doctors warning her that it would kill her, Flake began the regimen, and lived another 60 years.

“It tastes horrible, but it’s clearly working,” said Flake last year on her 186th birthday. No one thought I would live this long. I didn’t even know it was medically possible, but here I am, still kicking, still going strong. I hope I live to see 200, but at this point, I’ve lived 2 or 3 lifetimes, and I can’t say that I haven’t seen and done it all. If I did next year though, I hope it’s in a hail of police bullets. Nothing like pulling a 187 on a motherfuckin’ cop, right?”

Flake was married 6 times in her life, and claims that she had even slept with many famous figures in history, including Charlie Chaplin and Josef Stalin.

Doctors are examining her remains and plan to release their findings in the New England Journal of Medicine.

Woman Beats Husband To Death With Baseball Bat After Mistakenly Thinking He Forgot Anniversary

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CARSON CITY, Nevada –

A Carson City woman was arrested after allegedly beating her husband to death with a Louisville Slugger baseball bat for forgetting their anniversary. Sadly, the woman was mistaken, and the husband was planning a surprise trip.

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According to police, Cathy Ferguson beat her husband, Michael, to death on Friday evening, the night of their 10th wedding anniversary. Cathy said that Michael had not at all mentioned anything about their anniversary, despite dropping “several hints” in the weeks leading up to it.

“I kept mentioning gifts I wanted or things we could do, but you know, subtly,” said Cathy. “He didn’t seem to pick up on any of it. He has forgotten our anniversary for the last 3 years, and this was the last damn straw. When I saw him sitting in the chair, casually reading his magazine instead of taking me out to a fancy dinner, I just lost it. I beat him to death with his childhood baseball bat.”

Police say that when searching the house, the found 2 tickets for a Bermuda cruise inside of a greeting card, with a long love letter inside. The tickets were booked for one day after their anniversary. When police brought this information to Cathy, she immediately broke down in tears.

Disney To Release R-Rated ‘Muppets Gone Wild’ Film Geared Strictly Toward Adults

Disney To Release R-Rated Film 'Muppets Gone Wild' Geared Strictly Toward Adults

 

BURBANK, California –

Chairman and CEO of the world-famous Walt Disney Company Bob Iger announced earlier today that the franchise will go forward with plans to release an “Adults Only” film, portraying the famous Muppet characters, sometime in late 2015.

The R-Rated film, titled Muppets Gone Wild, will show the fun, loving characters in wildly awkward adult situations, according to Iger. “Over the past fifteen years or so, more and more adults, now primarily ranging from ages thirty to forty-five years old, have shown their love and appreciation and vivid youthful memories of the days of the Muppet Show. With that in the back of our collective and pioneering minds here at Disney, we decided to go forward with a wild idea that has never been done before. Create a film using the famous Muppet characters for adult eyes and ears only,” Iger explained.

The Walt Disney Company purchased The Muppets intellectual properties from Jim Henson Productions on February 17, 2004, which consisted of all rights and branded trademarks of The Muppet Show.

Iger said that some of the adult situations featured in the one-of-a-kind film would deal with casual sex, drug use, addiction, homosexuality, and a vast array of infidelity between lovers.

“This is a very special project for us, and we want to tackle the issues of the children who are now grown up and still having difficulties with the cards dealt to them in life. For instance, it will be revealed in the film that Bert and Ernie are indeed a homosexual couple, and Kermit the Frog, a womanizing, drug-addled sex fiend,” Iger shockingly announced.

The film is scheduled to be released in the fall of 2015.

 

 

 

 

Pre-School Child Arrested For Attempted Murder After Sharing His Peanut Butter Sandwich With A Classmate

MESA, Arizona – Pre-School Child Arrested For Attempted Murder After Sharing His Peanut Butter Sandwich With A Classmate

An 8-year-old boy will be facing life behind bars if found guilty of an attempted murder charge. The boy, Bryan Mills, was arrested at his elementary school early Monday afternoon, during a designated snack time. According to his teacher, Bryan shared his peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a fellow classmate, who happens to be deathly allergic to peanuts.

The school has a strict no-peanut policy that all students and parents are made aware of at the start of every year, and Bryan happened to have shared his “illegal” sandwich with the wrong boy.

The classmate, Joey Goldsmith, age 7, was taken immediately to a nearby hospital and was last listed as being in critical condition. Joey’s parents, Maureen and Gilbert Goldsmith, are claiming that all his classmates knew their son had a severe allergy, and that Bryan was out to get him.

“My son almost died, right there in that stupid school, because of one of his classmates. I won’t stand watching a potential murderer get any type of special treatment because of his age. I think he was jealous that our son didn’t invite him to his birthday party, and this is why he tried to kill him,” said Maureen Goldsmith.

According to a lawyer for the Goldsmiths, they feel that the Bryan is “crazy,” and will continue to share his lunch with other classmates with serious allergies. “Apparently this isn’t his first time in trouble for sharing food,” said Gilbert Goldsmith. “We also found at that last year, he shared a chocolate bar with a kid who was allergic to cocoa. Thankfully, a teacher caught that potential assault or murder before it could happen.”

Police are now investigating how the peanut butter and jelly sandwich made it into the elementary school with a full ban in effect. Theories range from the child smuggled it into the school, to his parents simply forgetting the rules and packing it for him for lunch.

 

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