SAN FRANCISCO, California – 

Heartwarming scenes took place earlier today at a Denny’s in San Francisco, where a waitress was left a $1 million dollar tip by an anonymous philanthropist. The patron seemingly took note of Miss Debra Warding’s shabby appearance, realizing that she is homeless, and took matters into his own hands.

“We’re all very excited for Debra,” said branch manager, Tony Mascherano. “She deserves to have something good in her life because, let’s be honest, she’s a total mess. Maybe she can finally get her disgusting face sorted out and possibly wash her damn apron and shirt.”

Other coworkers were just as effusive with their sympathetic joy at their colleague’s luck.

“One million dollars,” gasped Monica Tripp continuously. “What a lucky bitch – oh, that’s my term of affection for her. Bitch. She can buy herself some friends now, at least!”

“The poor girl,” Sandra Dee moaned. “She has nothing – no family, no joy, no good looks or personality traits. If anyone needed this, it’s her. And the rest of us – we’re going to be rid of her putrid stench…which we’re all going to miss. Of course.”

Other customers at the fast food joint were no less touched, with many of them bursting into tears and rushing out of the restaurant, never to return. One, however, has taken inspiration from the formerly down-and-out woman.

“I’m becoming a waiter,” Dan Lewin said as he ripped holes in his clothing. “I’m moving out of my house and I’m going to live on the street for a bit. Debra has set a very humble example, and I’m going to follow it until I get as lucky as she did.”

What is perhaps even more moving is that a trainee waiter had something to do with Debra’s good fortune.

“I gave the guy the idea,” Stan Patel told us. “I even gave him the one million dollar bill that he left for her. I guess I reckoned someone would have figured out the joke by now, I mean hell, it was a million dollar bill. Do those even exist? Shit, watching this play out is far more rewarding than I could have imagined.”