Waitress Fired For Throwing Coke In Man’s Face; Man Claims He’s Blinded From Assault

DELUTH, Iowa –

Former Ruby Tuesday waitress Cassandra Stephenson says she should not have been terminated after dumping a glass of Coca-Cola on a patron. Bobby Gagne says he plans to sue the restaurant chain, as he now says he’s lost sight in both eyes from the sugary drink.

Stephenson admits telling other servers Gagne had annoyed her, but says she did not mean to dump the drink onto him. “He asked for a Pepsi, and I said, ‘We have Coke – is that ok?’ He sighed, like it was the biggest inconvenience of his life or something. I hate people like that. I didn’t do it on purpose though. It just slipped!”

Gagne says Stephenson gave him a meaningful look before dumping the coke. “She said ‘Here’s your Coke,’ sort of sarcastically, and I thought, ‘this bitch isn’t getting a tip.’ I wasn’t expecting her to dump it on me though. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with people these days. I have been blinded by this woman. I’m suing her, the restaurant, and hell, I may even sue Coca-Cola because of this fiasco! How harsh is this stuff?!”

Doctors say that it would be nearly impossible to be blinded by Coca-Cola, despite its harsh chemicals and use in cleaning auto parts and rust from metal. Lawyers for Stephenson protest that Gagne is a “serial asshole” who has sued more than 200 people or establishments in his lifetime.

LOS ANGELES, California –

Concertgoers in South Africa have confirmed that One Direction is one fifth less annoying following the departure of Zayn Malik from the band. Colloquially known as 1D, the four remaining members played at the Soccer City stadium in Johannesburg on Saturday and Sunday night. Among the screaming 12-14 year olds, there were inevitably parents chaperoning, and those who went just for the hell of it.

“I expected a whole other level of annoyingness,” said one pleasantly surprised parent. “They were exactly one fifth less irritating than what I’d been promised. I did the calculations.”

The reports weren’t all positive. Interviewees agreed that the band was, nonetheless, fucking aggravating.

“At one point, one of the members – Liam I think it was – ran off the stage with puffy eyes,” said Chris Hi, who was not quite sure why he was there. “We all thought he was emotional about Zayn’s departure. Turns out the douche had accidentally hit himself in the eye with his microphone, which he’d been coolly flipping around throughout.”

Other ways that the young superstars managed to piss off adult South Africans, included making constant references to Nelson Mandela, sometimes even crowbarring his names into their songs.

“‘You don’t know you’re our role model, and that’s what makes you Nelson Mandela,’ was just one terrible line,” said Ronnie Manson. “They also replaced the name Cecilia with Madiba [an affectionate name used by South Africans to refer to their late president] in reference to the heartbreak caused by his death.”

Young fans, however, professed to being disappointed by the low level of annoyingness exhibited by the now four member band.

“There’s only four hairstyles to talk about!” complained Lisa Garber, 13. “And Zayn was so dreamy – his doe eyes would have irritated the hell out of my dad.”

In an effort to enhance their frustrating stage presence, they did a tribute to Zayn Malik towards the end of the concert. All members of the four piece cried as if someone had died, and waved candles like a bunch of imbeciles.