One Direction Now One-Fifth Less Annoying As Zayn Malik Leaves Band

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One Direction Now One-Fifth Less Annoying As Zayn Malik Leaves Band

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Concertgoers in South Africa have confirmed that One Direction is one fifth less annoying following the departure of Zayn Malik from the band. Colloquially known as 1D, the four remaining members played at the Soccer City stadium in Johannesburg on Saturday and Sunday night. Among the screaming 12-14 year olds, there were inevitably parents chaperoning, and those who went just for the hell of it.

“I expected a whole other level of annoyingness,” said one pleasantly surprised parent. “They were exactly one fifth less irritating than what I’d been promised. I did the calculations.”

The reports weren’t all positive. Interviewees agreed that the band was, nonetheless, fucking aggravating.

“At one point, one of the members – Liam I think it was – ran off the stage with puffy eyes,” said Chris Hi, who was not quite sure why he was there. “We all thought he was emotional about Zayn’s departure. Turns out the douche had accidentally hit himself in the eye with his microphone, which he’d been coolly flipping around throughout.”

Other ways that the young superstars managed to piss off adult South Africans, included making constant references to Nelson Mandela, sometimes even crowbarring his names into their songs.

“‘You don’t know you’re our role model, and that’s what makes you Nelson Mandela,’ was just one terrible line,” said Ronnie Manson. “They also replaced the name Cecilia with Madiba [an affectionate name used by South Africans to refer to their late president] in reference to the heartbreak caused by his death.”

Young fans, however, professed to being disappointed by the low level of annoyingness exhibited by the now four member band.

“There’s only four hairstyles to talk about!” complained Lisa Garber, 13. “And Zayn was so dreamy – his doe eyes would have irritated the hell out of my dad.”

In an effort to enhance their frustrating stage presence, they did a tribute to Zayn Malik towards the end of the concert. All members of the four piece cried as if someone had died, and waved candles like a bunch of imbeciles.

Luke Bryan Cancels ‘Kick Up The Dust’ Tour Over A Pair Of Jeans

NASHVILLE, Tennessee – Luke Bryan Cancels 'That's My Kind of Night' Tour2222

According to his record label, country superstar Luke Bryan has cancelled several recently announced dates on his upcoming ‘Kick Up The Dust’ tour. Manager John Deere say that Bryan is ‘too distraught’ to perform because he has experienced ‘severe loss,’ in the form of a rip in his favorite pair of blue jeans.

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“This was not my kind of night, not at all,” said Bryan. “I was Doin’ My Thing you know – Drinkin’ Beer and Wastin’ Bullets. I like to do that during Harvest Time. Anyhow, I slipped down a muddy hill and ripped the crotch right out of my favorite pair of blue jeans! Man, I can’t even tell you how much of a Buzzkill it was. Those blue jeans are my signature trademark!

According to his record label, Bryan plans to push back the tour dates until a time when he is able to find a pair of jeans the comfortable replace his old ones.

“These were obviously not a good buy. I’ll stick with Levis next time,” said Bryan. “I know I’m going to disappoint a couple of fans, but they know that I’ll come around and Play It Again sometime soon. I’m a Country Man through-and-through, and I won’t let anything completely Crash My Party. Roller Coaster.”

 

 

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