Pregnant Woman Severely Beaten While Out At Bar

Posted on January 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOLEDO, Ohio –

Danielle Pierce was at a bar Sunday evening for a friend’s birthday when she was reportedly approached by another woman, Karley Stephenson, who accused Pierce of drinking. The altercation became heated after Pierce told Stephenson to “mind her own business,” and tried to walk away.

Pierce says she told Stephenson she was only drinking Coke and grenadine. “I told that psycho, ‘I’m eight months pregnant. I ain’t drinking,’ but she still came at me. She knocked the drink out of my hand, and it went all down the front of my shirt. Then she got nasty.”

After knocking the drink out of Pierce’s hand, Stephenson reportedly grabbed Pierce by the hair, and proceed to hit her in the face with a beer bottle until it shattered.

Security staff detained Stephenson until police arrived, and Pierce was brought by rescue to a local hospital. Doctors say she will likely have permanent disfiguring scars on her face from the attack. Stephenson has refused to apologize for the incident, saying, “She shouldn’t have been at the bar. You don’t go out drinking when you’re pregnant. If she wasn’t there, this wouldn’t have happened to her.”

Doctors say Stephenson’s baby was not harmed in the attack.

Man Stabbed, Killed With Toy Lightsaber At Showing Of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’

Posted on December 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tom Chris, 32, was reportedly killed after he was in an altercation with another patron at a Regal Cinema location in Los Angeles, police say. Onlookers who gave an account of the event say that Chris, who was dressed as Han Solo while waiting in line to see a matinee of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, was attacked by an unknown assailant in a Kylo Ren costume. The person was able to escape before police arrived.

“Oh man, it was intense,” said Mario Lemming, who waiting in line for a different movie and witnessed the event. “I mean, there they are, two grown-ass men, dressed in costumes like a couple of total fucking nerds, and then the Kylo Ren dude pulls out a lightsaber toy, you know, one of those ones for kids that light up but retract when you stab into something? Yeah, well, his didn’t retract, and it literally went right through that guy. Needless to say, that was the highlight of my day. Sisters, the piece of shit that my wife dragged me to, was horrible.”

Police say that they are combing security footage from the theatre and nearby businesses, but so far, they have no leads as to who was dressed in the Kylo Ren costume.

Tom Chris leaves behind no wife or kids, because clearly, a man dressed as Han Solo at a matinee showing of Star Wars on a Wednesday afternoon does not have a family.

Planned Parenthood Facilities To Allow Staff To Carry Concealed Weapons After Latest Attack

Posted on November 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After the latest attack on a Planned Parenthood facility, the group’s spokesman has announced that they plan to allow employees and contractors to carry concealed weapons while they are working.

“Too many people are being gunned down at Planned Parenthood facilities, and it’s mostly because crazy white folks are shooting at us too damn often,” said Lashonda Jackson, spokesman for Planned Parenthood. “The funny thing is, they think we’re just about doing abortions or something. We’re literally called Planned Parenthood. What we do is in our damn name, for crying out loud. We’re not called Baby Abortions ‘R’ Us. Stop getting mad at us, white folks.”

The latest shooter, who has been arrested by police, is white, although not a Republican, as most people naturally assumed.

“If I would have had to have taken a guess, I’d have said Republican for sure,” said Jackson. “A democrat or an independent normally isn’t crazy and stupid enough to just shoot pregnant women. Mostly because common sense would tell you that a pregnant woman’s baby can’t exactly live without said pregnant woman, so you’re kind of a moron and a hypocrite if you shoot up a planned parenthood facility. Morons filled with hypocrisy is the creed of the Republican party.”

Jackson says that because of all the shootings, employees will now be allowed to carry concealed weapons. Patrons are also encourage to carry.

“If you come into one of our facilities with plans to attack, we want to be prepared, and we want to show you exactly how prepared we are,” said Jackson. “The next crazy, white, Republican lunatic will think twice before shooting up a Planned Parenthood.”

SHOCKING PHOTO: President Tries To Kill Stephen Hawking After Argument During White House Dinner

Posted on November 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama reportedly had to be pulled off of famed physicist Stephen Hawking after the two got into an altercation at the White House on Wednesday afternoon, say witnesses. According to other attendees, Obama and Hawking got into an argument about which movie was better, The Wiz or The Wizard of Oz.

“Everyone knows that President Obama is a massive fan of The Wiz,” said another guest at the dinner, who asked not to be named. “Somehow, when the topic of movies was brought up, Mr. Hawking began talking about his love of the character of Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. As soon as he saw an opening, Obama, of course, brought up The Wiz. From there, all hell broke loose.”

Obama reportedly began lobbing insults at Hawking, calling him a “crippled piece of shit,” and a “movie snob” after Hawking begin talking about how terrible of a movie The Wiz is.

“It was pandemonium. The President actually jumped across the table and flung himself at Stephen, who of course could only yell electronically and blink his eyes in protest,” said another dinner guest. “The Secret Service had to pull President Obama off of poor Mr. Hawking. Sadly, I think they took him away and beat him up a little somewhere else, privately.”

No lawsuits have been filed, but attorneys for Stephen Hawking have a “serious case” against the president, as many witnesses saw the assault.

“Plus, everyone knows how bad The Wiz really is,” said attorney Joe Lean. “I can’t believe anyone would actually like that movie. No offense to the President, or anything.”

Cop Who Threw Student To Floor In Classroom Commended For Not Shooting Teen

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COLUMBIA, South Carolina –

According to a statement released by the Columbia, SC police department, Officer Ben Fields, the officer who drew national attention for a viral video that showed him slamming a female African-American teen to the floor in a classroom dispute, has been commended and rewarded with a promotion for his “keen use” of police and law enforcement skills in a difficult situation.

“The Columbia Police Department is pleased to offer our congratulations to officer Ben Fields, who resisted the obvious temptation of using his service revolver in what would have been the ideal situation, and instead defused a situation non-violently,” said Police Chief Rick Stuart. “We are extremely happy to announce that officer Fields has been promoted to a new position within the department, so we’d like to congratulate deputy detective Ben Fields.”

Officer Fields was initially put on leave after the altercation went viral, but investigation by police into the incident and the video proved that Fields was in the clear.

“Officer Fields could have rightly chose to use deadly force against this black student, as she was causing problems in class, and had been told to leave,” said Stuart. “Although easily justified if Fields has pulled his weapon, he chose to end the manner in a non-violent way, and was able to not only clear the classroom of any further disruption, he did it with no injuries to himself or any fellow law enforcement. It was the perfect arrest, and we are extremely proud of our officer’s actions.”

Man Beats Wife To Death After She Burns His Steak Dinner

Posted on May 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MOBILE, Alabama –

A Mobile man, Joel Randolph, 51, was taken into custody after he admitted to police officers that he had murdered his wife of 11 years, Janet Randolph, 38. According to police reports, Randolph murdered his wife after he arrived home from work and found that she had burned his steak dinner.

“For years, my lovely cooked the meat perfectly. Oh, how lovely cooked the meat,” said Randolph. “I came home from work, and I could even smell it far away. I walk in the door, and she had burned the steak. Burned that bastard to a crisp. It was disgusting. I work hard for the money that purchased the meat, and I’m sorry, but it’s unforgivable.”

Police chief Carl Moore said that Randolph was being arraigned later this week, and if convicted, could face life in prison.

“I wish this was still the good ol’ days, when only men served on the jury,” said Randolph. “I’d never be convicted it it were men. They know how to keep a good wife in line, and if she burns the meat, she deserves whatever is coming to her.”

Randolph says that although he regrets admitting to the crime, he does not regret that it happened.

“She tried to apologize, too. ‘Hope you got strong teeth today, Joel,’ is what she said. ‘I’m sorry, I burned the steak!’ Well bitch, I have strong teeth, but I got a stronger backhand, apparently. We used to have no strife in our relationship – she was a lovely, lovely wife. What a shame to have it end like this.”

President Obama Hit With Pie; Security On High Alert

Posted on February 4, 2015 by ZGHarris

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has been pied!

The incident occurred after a meeting with the American Muslim Leaders in the Roosevelt Room. As the President exited the office, a still unidentified man ran up to the President and slapped pie platter on the side of the President’s head.

A Secret Service officer quickly subdued the man, but only after the pieing had occurred. The individual has been taken to a secure location for questioning.

The Obama administration’s Secret Service has been under heavy scrutiny following a series of failings. There was the shooting at the White House over the summer, followed by a drone being able to fly onto the grounds. Now, the Secret Service is once again under fire and will be left on high-alert for weeks.

“I am not allowed to speculate on the reasoning or nature of the attack,” said a secret service spokesperson. “I will state that the pie has been examined, and it was cleared of any poisons. We are now pulling out all the stops regarding check points and security around the perimeter. As an added precaution, all White House chefs have now lost baking privileges until further notice.”

The confection that struck the president was not a cream or berry pie as one might expect. Instead, it was a Spinach, Meat, and Cheese Pie. These pies are most commonly found in the Middle East, and have left some speculating what the deeper meaning is.

The White House Press Secretary released a brief statement regarding the president’s health.

“The President would like to assure the American people that he is both fine, and that the pie was quite tasty. He said he only wished the man had handed him the pie, rather than waste so much of it that was lodged deep within the President’s ear.”

Canadian Prime Minister Threatens Attack On U.S.

Posted on January 22, 2015 by JP

MONTREAL, Quebec, Canada –

With the United States facing random threats from countries all over the world, it appears we may have overlooked our close neighbor. Officials in Canada’s war room have announced they will attack the United States if they continue to be ignored.

Reports indicate that Canada has attempted to speak with the United States, specifically with President Obama, about many different issues that they are facing. Healthcare, the war overseas, and illegal immigration are just a few. With so much on America’s lap, it appears that they have ignored they request and Canada is not happy.

“For the entire life of this country, we have been there for the United States. Whether it be as a safe haven for their draft-dodging citizens, or as folly for their comedy on South Park. A man can only be pushed to far before he begins to get angry,” said Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “We as a nation are getting a lot of backlash from the choices of the American government, and all we asked for was a sit down to discuss how we could end this. Now, we aren’t some noisy neighbors, but enough is enough! We’ve got dozens of people signing up with our military for a potential attack. We would be ready. Never count out Canada, eh!”

President Obama has yet to make an announcement about the issue, but U.S. government officials find it “adorable” that Canada thinks they could possibly stand a chance in attacking.

“Canada is our friend, and they will cool down in no time,” said former President Bill Clinton. “In no way, shape, or form do I think they are being serious about this – they just want to be heard. Canada has always been like the child who can’t get his way, and makes idle threats about ‘taking the ball and going home,’ as it were. I understand some backlash they may be getting from our troubles, but come on now. The only country more laid-back than Canada is Sweden.”

Prime Minister Harper has announced that he will give it 10 weeks before he attacks if he isn’t provided a sit-down with President Obama. “If I get all the way to the ninth week with no response, I will be forced to countdown with warnings. Nine…Nine and a half….Nine and three-quarters. The United States does not want to make us angry,” said Harper.

‘Saved By The Bell’ Star Dustin Diamond Charged With Murder After Stabbing Victim Dies

Posted on December 30, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

PORT WASHINGTON, Wisconsin –

Former Saved By The Bell star Dustin Diamond, best known for his awkwardly hilarious character Samuel “Screech” Powers on the timeless popular hit teen television series Saved By The Bell, has been charged with second-degree murder after a man he stabbed during a barroom brawl has died at a Wisconsin hospital.

Diamond, 37, initially told police that he accidentally stabbed the man with what he said was a ‘pen’, although he later referred to the weapon, which was never found, as a knife. According to Diamond, while trying to defend his fiance, 27-year-old Amanda Schutz, at the Grand Avenue Saloon in Port Washington, where Diamond is a resident, he was forced to brandish the weapon.

Diamond was initially charged with second-degree recklessly endangering safety, disorderly conduct, and carrying a concealed weapon and was released on $10,000 bail before the man, only being referred to by the name of ‘Casey’ per request of family, passed away. Originally reported that Casey was completely fine and his wounds mostly superficial, reports say he took a turn for the worse after a wound from the fight became infected. He died on the operating room table.

Port Washington Police Department spokesperson Marvin Maxwell made the public announcement this morning that Diamond is now being sought for charges of second-degree murder.

“As requested by the family, the last name of the deceased is not to be released at this time and will only be referred to as ‘Casey,'” Maxwell said in the statement. “The case is thoroughly being investigated by the best detectives in Port Washington. Due to the fact that Mr. Diamond used a concealed weapon during the altercation, the police department had no choice but to charge him with second-degree homicide. Please keep in mind that Mr. Diamond is innocent until proven guilty by the court of law,” Maxwell added.

Those who witnessed the altercation seemed to have mixed opinions on what happened during the Christmas night brawl. Some say Diamond was behaving negatively and arrogantly and after refusing to shake the hand of a woman, the fight began. Others say two men had Diamonds girlfriend by the hair and had punched her in the face several times before Diamond got involved. One witness, Carl Peters, told police that the stabbing victim had verbally provoked Diamond.

“He told Screech he wanted to give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker. Screech didn’t like that very much, and that’s when the tussle began” Peters said. “It was just like that episode where Screech got mad at Zack for stealing Lisa away from him, only this time, Screech stabbed the guy. It was awesome. I was half expecting Mr. Belding to come rushing out to break it up and yell ‘hey, hey, hey! What is going on here?!'”

Diamond has been re-arrested following the official announcement of the murder charge. No further court dates have been announced at this time.

Taliban Vows to Kill More Children If Demands Aren’t Met

Posted on December 17, 2014 by Angela Baker

PESHAWAR, Pakistan –

On Monday night, while most of America slumbered safely in their beds, Taliban gunman stormed a school in the Northwestern Pakistani city of Peshawar. Group leaders say the attack that killed 141 people, mostly children, will not be the last in their campaign.

A Pakistani military spokesman, Asim Bajwa, says this is not the first attack on children, and they expect the violence to escalate.

“This isn’t the first attack on our schools. The seven attackers are dead, thankfully, but I fear there will be bigger attacks to come. I don’t think that our government, or the American government, cares about this plight we are facing. I fear we are lost.”

“The problem is, there are many, many more people willing to join with the Taliban and blow their nuts off for this insane cause. All we can do is take ‘em out, one cave at a time,” said US military spokesperson Sam Jackson. “As aid, the US government plans to send some old metal detectors, retired volunteer policemen, and a guy wearing a McGruff the Crime Dog suit to help make their schools safer. We could send military, but to be honest, we just don’t give a shit about – Hey, wait. This is off the record, right?”

The Taliban has said that they believe this violent attack will help them recruit new members. “If you’re not with us you’re against us. Come join us, brothers, and we will teach you the way. We will kill soft, American piglets together. Death to infidels! Death to America!”

President Obama responded to the threats of further violence in Pakistan with a light shrug, and a frown-face. “We’ll do all we can, but to be fair, the gunmen have already been killed, so there’s no real reason to get involved right now. If this massacre and violence had happened in an American school, then the call to action would immediate. But this all happened on a foreign land, with foreign forces attacking foreign people in a foreign school. I think for now, we’ll just wait it out.”