George Zimmerman To Open Private Security Firm in Florida

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MIAMI, Florida – 

George Zimmerman, the man who was found not guilty of murdering Trayvon Martin in a neighborhood shooting in February of 2012, is making waves in a small suburb of Miami, after it was announced that he had applied for, and been given, a security permit by the town and state.

According to public records, Zimmerman is planning to open a private security firm called Zimm’s Security, and has currently hired one person. The location for the business is registered at 433 Ocean Avenue in Miami, which was, until recently, a Wendy’s restaurant.

When we reached out to Zimmerman for comment, he seemed very excited about his new venture, and hoped that people would forget his past – but not completely.

“I want people to forget the hatred that was developed for me, especially by the blacks and all that,” said Zimmerman. “But I also want them to remember. I want them to remember that I stopped a vicious hoodlum from doing any harm, and I was acquitted, so there were obviously no crimes committed. I am going to take what I learned during that process, and apply it to this business.”

Currently, Zimmerman reports that his company has secured multiple contracts, and he plans to hire on at least 10 more employees by year’s end.

Delta Airlines Forcing Customers To Check Large, ‘Phablet’ Phones

Delta Airlines Forcing Customers To Check Large, 'Phablet' Phones

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

Delta Airlines has announced that from the beginning of April, large “phablet” smartphones will have to be checked in with luggage. This will mean that owners of iPhone 6+ and Samsung Galaxy Notes will have to forego the offline capabilities that their phones offer, which are especially useful on flights.

Delta CEO, Richard H Anderson, explained the reasons for the drastic measure.

“Smartphones are simply getting too big,” he told a press conference. “If we don’t start implementing restrictions now, it will soon be too late, and even more damage will be caused to the unrealistic expectations our passengers already have.”

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Another reason, given by security expert John Penn, is that these phablets may have capabilities which could be a risk factor to other passengers.

“They’re perfect for terrorism,” Penn said. “They’re big, so therefore you can fit a lot of information on them. Maybe you could even hide a knife, or explosives, inside the device. Yup, big means more things,” he continued, in response to a challenge as to his previous assertion. “We all know that’s why desktop computers can have more data, and iPads can hold more than iPhones. That’s how it works, and nothing you say can change my opinion.”

Many frequent flyers of Delta Airlines have been left fuming at the company’s decision.

“They can’t do this to us!” said Paul Herrera. “I need my iPhone on a flight. How else am I going to watch YouTube clips of cute babies, and read blogs telling me how to be a better person. I’ll never be a better person!”

Some, however, are pleased about the new regulations.

“Ugh, I hate phablets on airplanes,” Todd Toddster told us. “People always walk through the aisles, carrying them on their backs, knocking into other passengers left right and center. And then they squeeze into a seat next to you, with that f***ing device poking you in the eye, and not allowing you to sleep. They’re worse than crying babies.”

Crying babies are reportedly the next item that, in the future, will need to be checked when flying.

President Obama Hit With Pie; Security On High Alert

President Obama Hit With Pie; Security On High Alert

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has been pied!

The incident occurred after a meeting with the American Muslim Leaders in the Roosevelt Room. As the President exited the office, a still unidentified man ran up to the President and slapped pie platter on the side of the President’s head.

A Secret Service officer quickly subdued the man, but only after the pieing had occurred. The individual has been taken to a secure location for questioning.

The Obama administration’s Secret Service has been under heavy scrutiny following a series of failings. There was the shooting at the White House over the summer, followed by a drone being able to fly onto the grounds. Now, the Secret Service is once again under fire and will be left on high-alert for weeks.

“I am not allowed to speculate on the reasoning or nature of the attack,” said a secret service spokesperson. “I will state that the pie has been examined, and it was cleared of any poisons. We are now pulling out all the stops regarding check points and security around the perimeter. As an added precaution, all White House chefs have now lost baking privileges until further notice.”

The confection that struck the president was not a cream or berry pie as one might expect. Instead, it was a Spinach, Meat, and Cheese Pie. These pies are most commonly found in the Middle East, and have left some speculating what the deeper meaning is.

The White House Press Secretary released a brief statement regarding the president’s health.

“The President would like to assure the American people that he is both fine, and that the pie was quite tasty. He said he only wished the man had handed him the pie, rather than waste so much of it that was lodged deep within the President’s ear.”

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