CONCORD, New Hampshire –
Delta Airlines has announced that from the beginning of April, large “phablet” smartphones will have to be checked in with luggage. This will mean that owners of iPhone 6+ and Samsung Galaxy Notes will have to forego the offline capabilities that their phones offer, which are especially useful on flights.
Delta CEO, Richard H Anderson, explained the reasons for the drastic measure.
“Smartphones are simply getting too big,” he told a press conference. “If we don’t start implementing restrictions now, it will soon be too late, and even more damage will be caused to the unrealistic expectations our passengers already have.”
Another reason, given by security expert John Penn, is that these phablets may have capabilities which could be a risk factor to other passengers.
“They’re perfect for terrorism,” Penn said. “They’re big, so therefore you can fit a lot of information on them. Maybe you could even hide a knife, or explosives, inside the device. Yup, big means more things,” he continued, in response to a challenge as to his previous assertion. “We all know that’s why desktop computers can have more data, and iPads can hold more than iPhones. That’s how it works, and nothing you say can change my opinion.”
Many frequent flyers of Delta Airlines have been left fuming at the company’s decision.
“They can’t do this to us!” said Paul Herrera. “I need my iPhone on a flight. How else am I going to watch YouTube clips of cute babies, and read blogs telling me how to be a better person. I’ll never be a better person!”
Some, however, are pleased about the new regulations.
“Ugh, I hate phablets on airplanes,” Todd Toddster told us. “People always walk through the aisles, carrying them on their backs, knocking into other passengers left right and center. And then they squeeze into a seat next to you, with that f***ing device poking you in the eye, and not allowing you to sleep. They’re worse than crying babies.”
Crying babies are reportedly the next item that, in the future, will need to be checked when flying.