New Year’s Eve Celebration In Times Square Cancelled Over Terrorist Threat

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

If you were planning on hitting the Big Apple tonight, you may need to make a change of plans. According to the FBI, they’ve had to force planners to cancel the ball dropping in Times Square, an event that has taken place for decades.

According to the reanimated corpse of Dick Clark, who has been hosting Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve for the last 90 years or so, the event normally goes off without a hitch, but this year, federal authorities were worried about issues arising from ISIS.

“I’ve been dead for a few years, so I’m not really up on this ISIS thing,” said the zombie Dick Clark. “Ryan Seacrest has been hosting this show for the last few years, and he tells me that since no one is really watching it anymore anyway, it’s not really a big loss that we won’t be doing it.”

Thousands of people had already gathered in New York City by the time of this writing, although police say they are working with the national guard to peacefully disperse the crowds.

Muslim Man ‘Extremely Pleased’ That Planned Parenthood Shooter Was White

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DALLAS, Texas – 

A Muslim man said that he ‘extremely pleased’ that the Planned Parenthood shooter was white, saying that it takes the heat off all Muslims, at least for a second.

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“It’s so nice that he was just a crazy-looking white dude, and not a Muslim or extremist,” said Mohammed Kabal. “Normally, something shitty happens, some shooting or something like that, and it’s always a Muslim. Hell, even if it’s not a Muslim, if the guy is even remotely dark skinned, it’s anti-Muslim across the board from everyone in this country.”

Mohammed says that he hopes that, as there are more inevitable terrorist attacks throughout the world, that the perpetrators are white guys like the Planned Parenthood shooter.

“All those terrorists in Paris, they were European nationals, and most of them, if not all, were white,” said Mohammed. “It changed the game for us Muslims.”

 

Museum Says Shootings In Tunisia ‘Good For Publicity’

Museum Says Shootings In Tunisia 'Good For Publicity'

OAKLAND, California – 

With the recent museum shooting in Tunisia, many museums stateside are seeing increased traffic. The Oakland Museum of California in particular came forth to talk about the shooting and its hopes for the future.

“My thoughts go out all those affected by the shooting – but it’s been great for business. People have a renewed sense of appreciation of the importance of museums, even if it’s superficial and based on sensationalism,” a representative from OMCA said in an interview.

“I’m not saying I want it to happen, but a shooting is incredible for publicity – maybe if the gunmen are just really drunk or have bad aim and don’t take any lives?” he added.

While his words may be met with an incredulous glance at first, a closer look reveals them to be true. Each year fewer people visit historical, art, and educational museums, leaving many of them with no option but to close their doors. The culprit: apathy of the new generation. When something dramatic happens, however, people suddenly regain interest.

OMCA recently dedicated a research team to this effect which they termed “Hipster Empathy.”

“Thanks to social media, whenever something happens, people gobble up the headlines in an attempt to seem cultured,” the head of the team explained. “We originally thought one of two things: either they make the connection that visiting a museum will ACTUALLY make them more cultured, or the faint possibility of danger makes it seem more exciting,” the head of the team explained.

In the end, the team leaned more toward a subconscious link to the shooting in Tunisia, adding that explosions or some kind of blatant racism would have been more exciting and could make the effect stronger.

Delta Airlines Forcing Customers To Check Large, ‘Phablet’ Phones

Delta Airlines Forcing Customers To Check Large, 'Phablet' Phones

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

Delta Airlines has announced that from the beginning of April, large “phablet” smartphones will have to be checked in with luggage. This will mean that owners of iPhone 6+ and Samsung Galaxy Notes will have to forego the offline capabilities that their phones offer, which are especially useful on flights.

Delta CEO, Richard H Anderson, explained the reasons for the drastic measure.

“Smartphones are simply getting too big,” he told a press conference. “If we don’t start implementing restrictions now, it will soon be too late, and even more damage will be caused to the unrealistic expectations our passengers already have.”

Another reason, given by security expert John Penn, is that these phablets may have capabilities which could be a risk factor to other passengers.

“They’re perfect for terrorism,” Penn said. “They’re big, so therefore you can fit a lot of information on them. Maybe you could even hide a knife, or explosives, inside the device. Yup, big means more things,” he continued, in response to a challenge as to his previous assertion. “We all know that’s why desktop computers can have more data, and iPads can hold more than iPhones. That’s how it works, and nothing you say can change my opinion.”

Many frequent flyers of Delta Airlines have been left fuming at the company’s decision.

“They can’t do this to us!” said Paul Herrera. “I need my iPhone on a flight. How else am I going to watch YouTube clips of cute babies, and read blogs telling me how to be a better person. I’ll never be a better person!”

Some, however, are pleased about the new regulations.

“Ugh, I hate phablets on airplanes,” Todd Toddster told us. “People always walk through the aisles, carrying them on their backs, knocking into other passengers left right and center. And then they squeeze into a seat next to you, with that f***ing device poking you in the eye, and not allowing you to sleep. They’re worse than crying babies.”

Crying babies are reportedly the next item that, in the future, will need to be checked when flying.

CIA Picking Up Terrorist Chatter, Warns Of Valentine’s Day Attacks On American Soil

CIA Picking Up Terrorist Chatter, Warns Of Valentine's Day Attacks On American Soil

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

CIA Director John Brennan warned today of that the CIA and Homeland Security have been picking up increasing terrorist chatter over the past several months. Director Brennan spoke of possible suicide bomber attacks in all 50 states, with all signs pointing towards attacks happening on Valentine’s Day.

“We are seeing a lot of internet terrorist activity, all pointing at major suicide bombing attacks on February 14th,” said Brennan. “All major cities should be on high alert, and on the lookout for suicide bombers.  We are not sure why Valentine’s Day is being talked about specifically, as it has no significance in the Muslim world. The best we can figure out is that they know restaurants, movie theatres, and porno shops will be crowded, making them high value targets for the bombers. Wait, are there still porno shops around?”

Muslim gas station attendant, Mofak Aswad, said “It’s not easy being in America on Valentine’s day. There’s a lot pressure to have a date, or be with someone you love. It’s not easy for me, and I love America, I can only imagine how a lonely terrorist feels. Muhammad promises 72 virgins for those who kill in his name – oh, how I envy the suicide bombers, man those guys are going to get lucky!” 

“If I wasn’t in jail, I would blow myself up, just so I wouldn’t be alone on Valentine’s day,” said Gitmo detainee Haid D’Salaami. “I’m hoping Obama lets me go in time, because I can’t bare the thought of another lonely Valentine’s Day. I would gladly blow up myself and all you Godless infidels  just to get my hands on those virgins the Prophet promises. Praise Allah!”

Pope Francis Praises Attack Of Charlie Hebdo, Demands Retraction After Media Reports He ‘Condemned’ Act

ROME, Italy – Pope Francis Praises Attack Of Charlie Hebdo, Demands Retraction After Media Reports He 'Condemned' Act

Just moments after the celestial sky above gave way to sunrise above the sacred grounds of the Vatican this morning, Pope Francis has demanded a retraction from media outlets worldwide, after they mistakenly reported that the Pontiff ‘condemned’ the attacks on Paris’ Charlie Hebdo.

His Excellency issued a shocking statement of approval regarding the deadly terror attack on the French satirical newspaper that killed at least twenty-two people. The Vatican’s chief spokesman, the Reverend Federico Lombardi, shared the Pope’s written statement to the media this morning, asking all publications who wish to re-print it word-for-word.

Lombardi appeared ridden with anxiety, sweating profusely amongst the vast sea of media representatives and diplomats from around the globe, as he presented the Pope’s opinions on the vicious attacks.

“Religion shall not be immune to extreme criticism, but its opponents should use rational critique as opposed to mindless mockery in the form of so-called satire. Rational critique can be constructive, building foundations of faith, while senseless disrespectful mockery is detrimental to worldly community cohesion. Those who poke at the ribs of Christ shall face the ultimate consequence of their actions.

Charlie Hebdo deserved the onslaught of terror they have endured for mocking the son of God, as fate has proven. Those who take part in the belittling of  Our One True religion will pay the ultimate price at the hands of any forces necessary, whether holy or evil, the work shall be done as a warning to all. This was not about harm at the hands of a vengeful people who worship Muhammad, a false prophet, but an act of a vengeful God, the God, who is tired of ridicule at the hands of the people.

The world has seen the wrath of God, and have learned something from this unfortunate, but inevitable, attack. This is our new world, based on the rules we have undeniably changed. The apocalyptic crusades have come to fruition.”

The statement resonated with apocalyptic-like sentiment, suggesting the Catholic Church’s approval of evil forces, such as the Muslim extremists who carried out the attack, to fight for the sake of belief against all non-believing propaganda, with the results benefiting the Catholic Church.

Pope Francis has been known as the most lenient and unconditionally loving pope in history. Some believe he had simply been playing the role of a master strategist, acting as a paper-tiger, while awaiting the birth of the apocalypse.

The decision to have spokesman Lombardi present the statement, as opposed to the Pope himself, who has not been seen publicly since its release, has ignited profound suspicions of conspiracy.

 

 

 

 

Bin Laden Shooter Rob O’Neill Mistakenly Attacked By Street Thugs Seeking To Collect Debt From Neighbor

BUTTE, Montana – Bin Laden Shooter Rob O'Neill Mistakenly Attacked By Street Thugs Seeking To Collect Debt From Neighbor

Robert O’Neill, the former United States Navy SEAL who shot and killed Osama Bin Laden, had his home mistakenly invaded by members of a street gang this morning shortly after 1AM. O’Neill was uninjured, the five intruders all suffered injuries and remain hospitalized, but are expected to make a full recovery. Their names were not released in anticipation of the oncoming media storm.

Butte Police Commissioner Bartholomew S. Harrington told members of the Associated Press in a brief press conference that the five men, part of a local street gang connected with the infamous Crips, were seeking to collect on a drug debt and invaded the wrong house, with the intended target just so happening to be the next door neighbor of O’Neill’s.

“Mr. O’Neill had just turned in for the night, but was awoken by a loud crash when his backdoor was abruptly kicked in. As the five thugs ran aimlessly through the home, Mr. O’Neill used silent hand-to-hand combat tactics to individually disarm them of their weapons.  Once Mr. O’Neill had taken down the five men and secured his home, he brewed a pot of coffee and called the police station. Those boys sure did find the wrong house!” commissioner Harrington said as he chuckled.

O’Neill had little to say on the matter when Butte Daily Times journalist Kevin Williamson interviewed the celebrated war hero.

“It was nothing really. Those kids didn’t have their mission planned out properly and hit the wrong target. I hated to break their wrists and dislocate each of their knees like I did, but it was necessary in order to immobilize the invasion. I hope they get the money that is owed to them once they get out of jail and decide to live better lives. My main concern is getting my back door fixed. Those boys really did a number on the door jamb,” O’Neill stated.

The neighbor who was the intended target seems to have abandoned home and has not been found by police. According to the men in custody, the debt was over a $50 bag of marijuana.

Osama bin Laden Found Alive In Pennsylvania Amish Community

LANCASTER COUNTY, Pennsylvania – Osama bin Laden Found Alive In Pennsylvanian Amish Community

Spokesperson Mikal Anaba of the National Security Agency has confirmed that Osama bin Laden was not killed by Seal Team Six as originally thought, as has been found living in an Amish community located in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

“We have been following leads for the past several months based on the belief  that Osama bin Laden was alive and well, and living in the United States. After several tips about a man toting around a ‘machine’ in an Amish community in Pennsylvania, a thorough investigation revealed that this was indeed bin Laden, and the machine in question was a dialysis machine,” Anaba told the Associated Press early this morning.

From 2001 to 2011, bin Laden was the prime target of the United States’ war on terror. The Federal Bureau of Investigation put a $25 million bounty on bin Laden as ‘America’s Most Wanted’ killer. On May 2, 2011, it had been believed that bin Laden was shot and killed inside his private residence in Abbottabad, Pakistan by members of the United States Naval Special Warfare Development Group in a covert operation ordered by United States President Barack Obama.

Spokesperson Anaba did not reveal where bin Laden was being held currently, but insisted that ‘swift action’ would be taken, and the mastermind terrorist would be dealt with immediately.

“He will be handled in a timely manner, as soon as it is declared that he can not or will not provide any useful information on the current state of terrorism,” Anaba stated.

Many Americans had been feeling that bin Laden may be alive after the so-called raid and shooting had taken place in 2011, and no photographic or video proof has surfaced to prove that he was, indeed, deceased. When asked whether there would be evidence to prove to the American people that this was indeed Osama bin Laden, Anaba told the press, “I promise to you that we have Osama bin Laden in custody, this is strictly an operation of the United States government and it will be handled within our own walls.”

“Can we provide proof? Of course we can,” continued Anaba. “We can always provide proof when we need to. Will we provide proof? It is not our job to decide. That will be up to President Obama and his administration. Until then, I can only confirm that Osama bin Laden is in the custody of the United States government and that he will be handled and dealt with a very swift manner of action.”

Speculation of bin Laden’s acquaintance to the terror group known as ISIS has been considered since it was discovered he was living in the United States, however Anaba denied to comment on the matter.

“I cannot confirm nor deny that we may or may not believe ISIS is connected with Osama bin Laden. This issue will not be addressed in a public manner at this time,” Anaba added. “To be quite honest, you’re all lucky we’re even telling you that we found him in the first place. This whole thing could have been really hush-hush, and you’d all just assume he’d been dead since 2011. Next time you think your government is hiding secrets from you, remember this situation and know that – okay, yeah, we keep things from you all the time. Never mind.”

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