Fallout Site At Chernobyl To Fully Open To Public

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CHERNOBYL, Ukraine – 

Officials in the Ukrainian government say that the time has come to officially open the doors to Chernobyl, the city that was largely abandoned after a meltdown in a nuclear reactor caused a massive radiation leak. The city, which has allowed tours in certain parts over the years, has mostly been locked down due to high levels of radiation.

“We have decided to allow people to return to the city to explore and enjoy,” said Mikhael Horowitz, a spokesman for the Ukrainian government. “Yes, the levels of radiation are still extremely high, even 30 years later. But, as we have found, many people will often separate from tour groups or sneak into restricted areas anyway, so why are we stopping anyone?”

Experts say that radiation levels closest to the reactors would still be at heights deemed unsafe, and that no one should be allowed to enter certain areas.

“I cannot believe they would allow people to enter into the inner parts of Pripyat,” said Dr. Marvin Jones. “Radiation levels, even now, are to the point that if you spent too much time in the area, you would most likely become sick, and probably even die, if you did not turn into some hideous creature or something first. It’s sick that they’d let people become bloodthirsty underground dwellers just to make a few bucks.”

Officials say that they need to send in a team to remove any rabid, radiated animals from the area first, and that the area will be opened again by the end of the year.

U.S. Flooding Vodka Into Russia to Slow Military Aggressions

U.S. Flooding Vodka Into Russia to Slow Military Aggressions

 

MOSCOW, Russia – 

In the global arms war, it is often about who can advance in technology and tactics the fastest. Despite that fact, the United States government has seemingly decided to take a different approach while handling the very difficult situation in Ukraine regarding Russia.

Over the last 90 days, the number of cases of vodka has risen by nearly 100 percent per week across the boarder of the Ukraine and into counties in Southwest Russia. Soldiers have been seen inebriated in public areas and on military posts have increased by 25 percent in the last two months. None of the overflow of vodka has not gone to waste, as the Russian public seems to keep pace with any supply increase.

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“We have seen an increase of vodka, yes,” Said General Tarasovich. “We believe the Americans are attempting to challenge our ability to stay a united and driven front. The attempt is futile. We have a long and storied history of drinking. The Americans have no idea what they are dealing with.”

Sources say that the attempt may be to slow the effective advancement of troops into the Ukraine over the coming months. The United States has a lot on its respective plates in Iraq and atrocities in Africa. A hefty push by Russia into the Ukraine is the last thing the military needs.

Said U.S. Admiral Jonathan Hathaway, “The United States Government can neither confirm, nor deny, the use of indigestible spirits as a strategy of war. Nor could we discuss any discussions regarding the possibility of such strategies.”

The Admiral did divulge one piece of supposed information.

“I will say that if the U.S. Government had been using spirits to attempt to inebriate the soldiers of Russia, in order to slow their advances, that it would be a wholly misguided attempt. The one thing you cannot do to a Russia is challenge him to drink, and expect to come out the victor.”

He continued, “If one were to send alcohol to the Russians, it would be better served as a pledge of good faith that they will behave themselves while we deal with other pressing matters that deserve our attention.”

In the weeks since the increase, Ukrainian hospitals have seen the admission levels for drunk driving and alcohol poisoning skyrocket. No reports of Russian soldiers have been noted in any of the facilities thus far. Various Russian military vehicles have been found ditched on the side of the road, however.

Russia Drops Nuclear Bomb On Ukraine, Warns U.S. May Be Next

Russia Drops Nuclear Bomb On Ukraine, Warns U.S. May Be Next

 

DONETSK, Ukraine – 

Government officials in the Ukraine are confirming reports this morning that the Russian military has dropped a nuclear bomb just outside the city of Donetsk. The explosion, which was caught on film by several people located only 15 or 20 short miles from the blast site, has reportedly leveled an entire city.

“Strained relations with Russia, as separatists try to regain control of our government and join our country with the former Soviets, has caused issues for a long time,” said Ukrainian government spokesman Vasyl Borys. “At this time, we have no further comment on the matter except to confirm that a bomb was dropped near Donetsk, and that Russian military agents have claimed responsibility.”

A Russian military doctrine states that the country is only entitled to use nuclear weapons as a last resort, and normally only in retaliation for an attack, or impending attack, against the country.

“Frankly, our doctrine is straight der’mo. In English, just shit. Utter shit,” said Russian military general Vladmir Bulgakov. “I am not waiting for anyone to attack me. I will do what I want, when I want, and attack any country, at any time. Ukraine, China, Serbia, Germany…they are all just places that should be vyrovennyy, leveled. Indeed, United States is next target for Russian military. U.S. military, they are sukas. Bitches. I will make sure we crush them all.”

President Obama, who is on vacation in Jamaica with his family, could not be reached for immediate comment on the Russian threat. General Joe Goldsmith, of the United States Army, said that Russian forces were of “no real concern” to the United States at this time.

“Speaking on behalf of the United States Military, I’d just like to say that Russia, or any country that threatens us for that matter, can go straight to hell,” said General Goldsmith. “We have the strongest military in the world, and we don’t take any shit. They can drop all the nukes they want on the Ukraine. Hell, I didn’t even know the Ukraine was a real place until I heard the news. But trust me – no one is going to drop bombs on the United States.”

 

‘Russianized’ Bees Trained To Attack Ukraine For Russian Military

MOSCOW, Russia – 'Russianized' Bees Trained To Attack Ukraine By Russian Military

A Russian whistleblower has spilled the beans on another planned invasion of Ukraine by Russian forces, this time aided by a specially trained and bred species of attack bees.

The ‘Russianized’ bees were housed and trained in what the informant described as “anger hives,” specially constructed to keep the bees constantly agitated and ready for attack.

Through a translator he said, “We interrupted the bees’ sleep and work cycles and sometimes would poke the anger hives with sticks and broom handles.  At first we were not given adequate protection to keep us from getting bee stings, and one of our workers had to be hospitalized after he accidentally tipped over one of the bee boxes.  I was stung only a few times, but my friend was stung many hundreds of times.”

After the February 14 Ukrainian Revolution, Russia stepped up hardline efforts to re-establish control in the troubled region.  Special military forces annexed Crimea, an act that Russian President Vladimir Putin reluctantly admitted after many international inquiries for answers.

It is unclear whether the worldwide collapse of bee populations is connected with Russian bee recruitment efforts, although the unnamed informant did provide some clues as to how the bees were obtained.

“We were ordered to plant many special fields of clover and other plant and flowers that would attract the bees.  These orders came directly from President Putin.  We sprayed the plants with synthetic bee hormones to attract them, and then with smoke machines and nets we were able to calm and capture them for the hives.”

As for the ‘training,’ it was explained that following the bees’ capture, the anger hives were placed in a greenhouse type structure where they were exposed to bright lights 24 hours a day, with loud ‘Ukrainian style’ music played throughout the day.  Teams of ‘box bangers’ were also recruited to agitate the bees.  The box bangers would rhythmically hit the hives with sticks at pre-determined times during the day at pre-set intervals timed to coincide with specific musical passages.  It was believed that this schedule provided a command structure for the bees, thus making them easier to attack when triggered by the replay of the musical selection.

Russian authorities have denied the story.  A spokesman for the Russian military said the charges come from “the delusions of an ex-member of our forces who received what you would call a dishonorable discharge.  These absolutely ridiculous rumors came from an individual labeled a misfit.  He could not withstand the rigors and discipline of military training.”

At present, it is unclear if bee recruitment and training did progress to the level explained by the informant, as no physical evidence can be found of either the fields used to attract the bees, or the anger hive structures.

“That is not surprising,” said the informant.  “Why would they admit such a thing?  I saw it with my own eyes and have several bee-stings to prove what I saw is true.  Someday the world will know that I am not a crazy person and that I speak the truth,” he added.

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