CHERNOBYL, Ukraine –
Officials in the Ukrainian government say that the time has come to officially open the doors to Chernobyl, the city that was largely abandoned after a meltdown in a nuclear reactor caused a massive radiation leak. The city, which has allowed tours in certain parts over the years, has mostly been locked down due to high levels of radiation.
“We have decided to allow people to return to the city to explore and enjoy,” said Mikhael Horowitz, a spokesman for the Ukrainian government. “Yes, the levels of radiation are still extremely high, even 30 years later. But, as we have found, many people will often separate from tour groups or sneak into restricted areas anyway, so why are we stopping anyone?”
Experts say that radiation levels closest to the reactors would still be at heights deemed unsafe, and that no one should be allowed to enter certain areas.
“I cannot believe they would allow people to enter into the inner parts of Pripyat,” said Dr. Marvin Jones. “Radiation levels, even now, are to the point that if you spent too much time in the area, you would most likely become sick, and probably even die, if you did not turn into some hideous creature or something first. It’s sick that they’d let people become bloodthirsty underground dwellers just to make a few bucks.”
Officials say that they need to send in a team to remove any rabid, radiated animals from the area first, and that the area will be opened again by the end of the year.
CINCINATTI, Ohio –
American Airlines has expressed its annoyance with the media’s obsession with plane crashes. The major corporation says that it can no longer tolerate the collective wankfest that takes place after every air disaster, regardless of nationality or even cause. Their patience was seemingly tried to breaking point by the recent response to the Germanwings plane crash, precipitated by a suicidal co-pilot. Approximately 150 passengers were killed, a detail the media repeated over and over again, presumably with its metaphoric dick in its hand.
“The Malaysian flight that got lost… that was more than enough,” said Doug Parker, CEO of the transport giants. “With all their screwy theories, and the excitement over every bit of non-evidence… Then the flight that got shot down over the Ukraine, now this. It seems like all you see on CNN is plane crashes. It’s just not fair.”
Media analyst, John Tremp, agreed with the sentiment.
“The ratios are pretty insane,” said Tremp. “The number of planes that crash in a year – less than 200. The amount of airtime it gets on all media platforms – fucking enormous. It’s like the porn industry – there are exponentially more pornos portraying a housewife getting fucked by the pool boy than what happens in real life. It’s no wonder American Airlines is pissed.”
But the media has collectively promised not to stop the immense over coverage of such events saying, “America perves over this stuff. Traffic on RedTube and YouPorn goes down – pardon the pun – during coverage of air disasters. We as the media are committed to giving the citizens of the USA what they want, even if it is somewhat sickening.”
According to statistics, even articles blasting the obsession bring in unnecessary details of the event. For example, such articles will tell you that the co-pilot had been treated for suicidal thoughts, which surely is not something everyone has to know. Also routinely reported is inside info of the captain’s final words, including the devastating cry of “For God’s sake open the door!” – pure voyeurism.