Fallout Site At Chernobyl To Fully Open To Public

CHERNOBYL, Ukraine –

Officials in the Ukrainian government say that the time has come to officially open the doors to Chernobyl, the city that was largely abandoned after a meltdown in a nuclear reactor caused a massive radiation leak. The city, which has allowed tours in certain parts over the years, has mostly been locked down due to high levels of radiation.

“We have decided to allow people to return to the city to explore and enjoy,” said Mikhael Horowitz, a spokesman for the Ukrainian government. “Yes, the levels of radiation are still extremely high, even 30 years later. But, as we have found, many people will often separate from tour groups or sneak into restricted areas anyway, so why are we stopping anyone?”

Experts say that radiation levels closest to the reactors would still be at heights deemed unsafe, and that no one should be allowed to enter certain areas.

“I cannot believe they would allow people to enter into the inner parts of Pripyat,” said Dr. Marvin Jones. “Radiation levels, even now, are to the point that if you spent too much time in the area, you would most likely become sick, and probably even die, if you did not turn into some hideous creature or something first. It’s sick that they’d let people become bloodthirsty underground dwellers just to make a few bucks.”

Officials say that they need to send in a team to remove any rabid, radiated animals from the area first, and that the area will be opened again by the end of the year.

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

Former vice-president Al Gore was reportedly struck with a violent case of frostbite earlier this morning, while indoctrinating America’s youth in the perils of global warming at a New England elementary school .

After a frighteningly inappropriate speech given in the schools gymnasium, Gore was invited to follow the children out to recess. According to several teachers, Gore was not appropriately dressed for the cold front gripping the area, and while playing ‘King of the Hill’ with the children, he became soaked in cold, wet snow. A secret service agent, assigned to the former vice-president during his tours, noticed red splotches on Gore’s face and hands.

“Well, it was supposed to be a speech on conservation. You know – turn off lights, don’t run the water when brushing your teeth, that sort of thing,” said Ralph Stevens, 4th grade teacher. “But Mr. Gore took his speech over the top. My God, he had a slide show featuring dead polar bears, crying Eskimos, and drawings of cities under water. When it was done, the children were visibly upset and many were crying about the dead animals, so I called for recess to cheer them up.”

“It was disgusting, really,” said Principal Ann Parsons. “Mr. Gore followed the children outside, taking over a game of King of the Hill, and he was violently shoving kids off the hill, declaring himself Ruler of the World. I tried to stop it, but the secret service would not let me get close. It was unseasonably chilly, around 28 degrees, and although the children were all dressed in winter clothes, Mr. Gore was just in a suit and tie, not even a jacket. After about an hour, the secret service swarmed around him and whisked him away to the motorcade, knocking over children as they went. I was glad to see him go.”

“Luckily the doctors say I will end up being okay, and that we got here in time, so there’s no reason to amputate anything,” said Gore from a Massachusetts General hospital bed. ”I was wondering why my entire body was aching and hurting. I just thought it was because I was throwing all those kids around. Anyway, I just want everyone to know global warming is real, and that I will continue to educate the children through my school tours. I can show you all the science you need, but the average temperature dropping over the last seven years should prove it all. If no one else, the uneducated kids of America will certainly believe me.”