Kanye West Banned From All Future Public Awards Ceremonies

Posted on February 14, 2015 by ZGHarris

LOS ANGELES, California –

Kanye West has once again made a flub of a decision at the Grammys, and the higher-ups have come down hard on the performer/producer, banning him from all future award ceremonies.

In 2012, when Kanye West rushed the stage and embarrassed both himself and Taylor Swift at the Grammys, everyone assumed it was fluke incident. Most everyone felt Kanye probably had one too many to drink, and simply made the mistake of thinking he deserved to be on stage when he did not. The whole incident, while cringeworthy, was easy to forgive and move on from.

After his hopping onto the stage during Beck’s acceptance speech once again made headlines, the word came down to all the major news networks on Friday. The message could not be more clear: West is no longer welcome at any event that awards artists for their talents. He is not to be on the premises during the events, nor the after-parties, and may not attend any red-carpet pre-event galas.

“If it was anyone else it would have been fine,” said show director Ryan Donahue. “The fact that it was Kanye, again – and in the same distasteful manner – made it impossible to ignore.”

West later stated it was the voices in his head, pointing toward the move being tongue-in-cheek. However, the incident was equally cringeworthy as the original. Once again West seemed to believe he was imbued with an ability to do something that he was not, and to steal the spotlight from an artist. But to this point, West has not backed down.

“All respect to Beck, because he seems like a nice guy and all. But Beyonce made the best album of 2014. And just because she’s not a Scientologist, and only a part of the Illuminati, doesn’t mean she’s second class.”

Google Glass Upgrade Will Let You Read Minds Of Significant Other

Posted on February 14, 2015 by ZGHarris

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California –

An unprecedented release from the corporate giant Google hit the tech market just before Valentine’s Day. The dot-com behemoth released a new beta software upgrade for Google Glass+ that allows one to read the thoughts of their significant other’s wants and desires.

“The desire center of the brain is relatively easy to read as compared to other segments of the brain,” Explained Dr. Dasa Sengupta of Google’s neuro-tech labs. “When someone wants or desires a particular item that is within proximity, the pleasure center lights up in a particular series of stimulation. The more one desires an item, the more synapse fires occur within the pleasure center. When this happens, the eyes also dilate and the cheeks and lips become slightly flushed. This is the key to the Glass+ program.”

Google Glass+ now has the capability to detect the slightest pigment change in a “familiar face,” which has been noted by the machine through multiple viewings. Once the Glass+ becomes capable of reading the face, it can note minor changes in the pigment, as well as eye dilation.

“This is a fantastic progress for couples,” noted Marketing Director David Gebner. “We felt Valentine’s day was the perfect time to release the product, as many men struggle to know exactly what their significant other wants for the romantic holidays. Google Glass+ will now at least give them a bit of a nudge in the right direction.”

Update: Google quickly pulled the software only two days after the release, as the product was found to cause more harm to relationships than it did help. An official release stated there were, “A multitude of reports citing couples separating, or getting into physical altercations, after the Google Glass+ noted a partner’s interest in a third party. Future updates will remedy the situation.”

LA Clippers Guard Chris Paul Ordered To Avoid Women for Three Months

Posted on February 14, 2015 by ZGHarris

LOS ANGELES, California –

On February 6, Clipper’s guard Chris Paul noted his disdain for a referee after a game. Following his critique of the referee, the player was disciplined. Now, Paul is in hot water after expressing his anger at a female valet at a night club. The player has now been instructed to make zero contact with females for a minimum of 90 days.

The NBA issued a directive to Chris Paul and the Clippers, stating that the player was not allowed to make any form of contact with females. This included eye contact of any kind. The Clippers declined to comment on the issue, stating that the Players Association would be handling their response.

The NBA issued a statement on their own behalf.

“The National Basketball Association feels no obligation to stand by a player who decides to mistreat individuals based on color, creed, or gender. Mr. Paul has continuously violated the trust of the Association, as well as the good faith of the female fans. Thus, Mr. Paul will be instructed to avert his eyes from any and all females until the Association feels he can do so without negative incident.”

Chris Paul was not available for comment, but his attorney made it clear that the player would not take the ruling lying down.

“My client did not mistreat anyone based on anything but incompetence,” said Mori Silverman. “The referee was out of line in the initial incident, and handled the situation poorly. The valet ran my client’s car into a pillar. The damages were more than $15,000 in total. My client is allowed to vent is anger at any individual for such behavior. It should not matter if it is a man, woman, ostrich, or egg.”

‘World’s Sexiest’ OBGYN Has 15-Month Long Waiting List For Patients

Posted on February 14, 2015 by ZGHarris

BRIDGEPORT, Connecticut –

When Richard Greer played Dr. Sullivan Travis in the movie “Dr T. and his Women” most of American begrudgingly played along with the premise of a devastatingly handsome OBGYN with intelligence and wit. In Bridgeport, Connecticut, however, that premise has become all too real for one female health specialist.

Richard Mendleson, MD has seen a steady incline in his clientele over the last four years since graduating from medical school. And it is not hard to figure out why when one catches a glimpse of the Doctor either in or out of the office. He is, to put it frankly, a perfect mix of masculine strength and soft features to make a majority of women swoon with his very presence.

The force of the doctor’s good looks has now caused a logistical problem at his practice, where a 456 day waiting list has built up. His secretary, Madeline Whistleton, is often frantically working to keep up with keeping patients in line and waiting.

“I deal with a long list of insane actions,” said Whistleton. “I have women pretending to be other patients. Girls sneaking through the back. I’ve had men come in dressed as their wives just to see the doctor.”

To Mendleson, this is nothing new, and something he has come to expect and accept.

“It is something I have dealt with ever since graduate school during my internships,” said Mendelson. During the conversation, the doctor’s phone continued to ring, while live emails piled up at an alarming rate.

“It can sometimes get in the way of my practice. My top concern is the care of the local women in the area. But I have started to receive so many requests for high-paying offers from women coming in across state lines, you have to try to accommodate as many as possible, without sacrificing the care of those in your county.”

When reached for comment more than half of the patients responded with a flurry of semi-intelligible gushing reviews mixed with guttural groans. The other half refused to comment and asked their identities not be given, as they did not wish their husbands to know that they were seeing Dr. Mendelson.

17-Year-Old Wins $300k Playing Craps At Casino, Looking For Someone To Cash In His Chips

Posted on February 7, 2015 by ZGHarris

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

A young man from Kansas City, Missouri has found himself in a delightfully difficult situation after he went on a winning spree at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. The problem? He is only 17-years-old, and can’t legally cash the over $300,000 in chips. Now, Brandon Marvin is forced to look for someone who can cash the chips for him.

“I was just supposed to play one roll as a goof,” Brandon explained about his monumental run of luck. “I don’t even know how to play craps. I just started placing chips in on spots and the dealer kept pushing money in my direction.”

The Hard Rock and Hotel would not comment on the issue. They stated they are reviewing the security footage and will deal with the issue as it comes. Brandon, who cannot cash the chips in himself, now has to find a way to get another player to cash them. The concern for anyone familiar with Vegas, is that being caught trying to launder the young players money could result in an unfortunate outcomes.

Says Vincent Chapelloni, head of security at The Hard Rock, of Marvin’s situation, “It is wonderful to see youth finding such fortune. Sadly for him, it was done without the proper guidance to our laws. It would be unfortunate for the young man if he attempted to take what is not legally his. It would be even more unfortunate if he and his associates were found in a ditch next week.”

Marvin is now stuck with a pile of chips and a very tough decision to make.

“It’s not like I was trying to beat the system. I literally had no idea what I was doing. People wouldn’t let me leave the table because I kept rolling sevens and my bets kept landing. I must have tried to leave 10 times. But the players refused to let me go.”

When asked if they would compensate the 17-year-old for turning in the chips, the Hard Rock declined an answer, stating they would still need to wait and see how the situation played out.

Man Sues Hooters After Server’s Cleavage Triggers Heart Attack

Posted on February 7, 2015 by ZGHarris

AUSTIN, Texas –

Local Austin resident Jason Rittlestone was rushed to the hospital after an acute cardiac arrest at a local Hooters franchise. Now, the Texan says he is suing the franchise, citing a female employee’s bust as the reason for the attack.

“My client was simply trying to enjoy a meal, while simultaneously enjoying the partially bare chests of the female servers,” said Attorney Arum Silverman. “This particular employee has such an ample chest that, quite frankly, there should be a warning given to anyone that is to be served by her.”

According to eye witnesses, Rittlestone was in the midst of his fourth helping of hot wings when a young waitress, Cindy Thompson, approached him. Witnesses say Rittlestone looked to be in a state of shock, then doubling over out of his chair and onto the floor. He remained there until EMTs arrived on the scene.

Franchise owner Steven Balderama stood by his employee, and his restaurant. “We take pride in who we hire here at Hooters. Ms. Thompson came to us looking for employment, and we felt her talents far exceeded the prerequisites for hiring. She did nothing to provoke Mr. Rittlestone’s condition. The girl doesn’t even wear a push-up bra, for crying out loud.”

When asked about the incident, Thompson replied, “I just came over to offer him a refill on tea. When I came to his table, he got all bug-eyed and red in the face. All of a sudden, he leaned forward with his hands out. I screamed and backed away because I thought he was trying to grab me.”

The suit is expected to begin within two weeks, and there is expected to be a hard-fought battle. Rittlestone is expected to make a full recovery from the heart attack, although doctors say the fractured jaw and ruptured testicle he sustained after his wife discovered the circumstances of the incident could take several months to fully heal.

Apple Founder Steve Jobs Found Alive, Hiding Out In Jamaica

Posted on February 7, 2015 by ZGHarris

RIO BUENO, Jamaica –

A set of tourists were shocked to see a man who looked suspiciously like one of their idols on the beaches of Rio Bueno, Jamaica. Jake Nestar and Stacey Kenely, who are self-proclaimed Apple fanatics, were enjoying the sun and sand of Jamaica when they noticed a man who looked suspiciously like Apple Founder Steve Jobs. On further investigation, the two realized it was, in fact, the long-thought dead Jobs, and celebrated with such gusto that they blew the entrepreneur’s cover.

“We were just so excited to see the man who changed our lives so much,” said Nester. “I was like, ‘Babe, is that him?’ and she was all ‘Jake, you’re high.’ But I was pretty sure. Then she started looking up pictures of him on her iPad. Then she was all ‘OMG, Babe, that’s him.’ He was the dude.”

According to onlookers, Nester then ran up to Jobs, bragging about his new Apple products. The outburst caught the attention of some other tourists. Quickly, a mob formed around Jobs, and within minutes, news reporters were on the scene.

With his cover blown, Jobs had no choice but to speak on the matter.

“I was simply trying to enjoy my life,” the marketing genius said. “I had come to the beach thinking it was low season for tourists. I didn’t think anyone would recognize me.”

Jobs then explained his reason for the faked death. “I was under so much stress the last decade. I knew the only way people would stop constantly hassling me for ideas was if they thought I was dead. Do you have any idea how nice it is to not own personal electronic products? I’ve been free ever since the world stopped bothering me.”

The Apple founder did seem to have a relaxed and calm demeanor when speaking to reporters. The Island lifestyle did seem to agree with his new want in life.

“Nobody cares who I am down here. Nobody wants to bother me about what the new innovation or strategy will be. They just enjoy sitting and chatting, smoking weed or drinking rum. We all go down to the weekly Tupac and Biggie concerts and enjoy life without computers, cell phones, pads, pods, and other devices that suck the life out of you.”

When asked if he had any remorse about unveiling Job’s secret, Nester replied, “Did he say Tupac and Biggie concerts?”

7-Year-Old Boy, 8-Year-Old Girl On Bank Robbery Spree Across Midwest

Posted on February 6, 2015 by ZGHarris

OMAHA, Nebraska –

While some may have thought that outlaw bank robberies were a terror that only our great-grandparents had to deal with, one duo has proven it is anything but.

Robert Middleton and Stacey Antworth are not your run-of-the-mill bank robbers for many reasons. The main reason being that the two have combined for a total of 15 years on the Earth. Middleton turned eight in January, according to his mother. Antworth is seven, and will be eight in April.

The two have committed 16 bank robberies as they cross the country, and the reason for their success is simple: “They’re too cute to say no to,” says bank teller Rebecca Oliver. “When they come through the door in their oversized suit and dress, and they try to sound tough and point finger-guns at you… you kind of just have to turn the money over.”

Ohio bank manager, Lauren Whittle, stated that she did apprehend them at one point, but only to give them the biggest hug in the whole wide world. “I just wanted to love them forever,” she said. “The rules clearly state that when someone comes in and demands money, our job is to give them the money. The problem is that due to all the gushing over how cute they are, we all forgot to alert the police until it was too late.”

Both children were reported missing in Pennsylvania by their respective parents in September. Detectives assigned to the case had originally believed the parents had been involved. However, it now appears the two children have made their route via hitchhiking. The two have since been seen in Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, and Iowa. As to how they got there, officials stated the two were catching rides with friendly truckers.

“I don’t know who could say no to those faces,” said Geoffery Jefferies. The long-haul trucker stated he picked up the duo in Indiana. I saw them on the side of the road and waving their finger-guns in the air and holding a bag of money.” Jefferies stated he simply felt compelled to pick them up.

“Look, you have two adorable kids holding up a wad of cash and trying to make a mean face. You have to give them a ride. They were adorable as hell. They tell the best stories… it was the best cross-state trip I ever had.”

When asked if he felt the kids are in danger, Jefferies scoffed and claimed, “Ain’t nobody in this world is dumb enough to hurt these kids. They’ve been known on the two-ways for a month now, and we take care of our own on the highways and byways of this country.”

The two adorable bank robbers are assumed to be somewhere in Nebraska. Their parents are hoping that someone will be kind enough to reunite them to their children soon.

Man Attempts To Kill Girlfriend After Dreaming She Cheated On Him

Posted on February 6, 2015 by ZGHarris

TALLAHASSEE, Florida –

A Florida man is behind bars today after he allegedly tried to take his girlfriend’s life. According to the victim, the altercation occurred when Wrangle had a dream that she was unfaithful to him.

Jacob Walter Wrangle was arrested on Wednesday following a vicious attack on his girlfriend, Jennie-Lynn Smyth. According to the victim, Wrangle reportedly awoke at 4 AM, and begin shouting and thrashing.

“He was screaming ‘Oh no you don’t. Not like this!’ and started grabbing at me,” said Smyth. “But he just kept screaming and saying ‘You can’t make me a fool. I’m your man!’”

Smyth said she then realized he was in the midst of a dream and attempted to calm him down. According to Smyth, Wrangle overpowered her and began to reach for a weapon. “I knew he had the handgun under the bed. But I was able to make my way to a phone when he stopped screaming at me and started talking about the orange flamingos taking his pants.”

Sheriff Deputy Steven Gordon arrived on the scene minutes later and attempted to reason with the sleep-walking Wrangle.

“The individual kept stating that the victim, Ms. Smyth, was making him look like a fool. My partner and myself attempted to reason with him until it became clear he was not fully cognizant. At that time, we decided to take utilize our tasers and subdue the individual.”

When reached for comment, Wrangle’s public attorney stated his client was sure that an act of infidelity occurred. According to the attorney, Wrangle saw Ms. Smyth and an unidentified man in mid-coitus on top of a unicorn at the local supermarket.

Father Makes Cookies Shaped Like Penises For Daughter’s School Bake Sale

Posted on February 6, 2015 by ZGHarris

DETROIT, Michigan –

Local man Albert Farnsburn found himself in hot water after he sent his daughter to school with inappropriately shaped cookies. The baked goods were brought to Farnsburn’s daughter’s second-grade class, and caused quite a stir according to the faculty.

“It was certainly not something any of us were expecting to see when we came into work, that’s for sure,” said Vice Principle of Sequoia grade school, Denise Clammoth. “I’m not sure what possessed him to do it. These children already have a world full of vice and inappropriate behavior. It’s sad to see when a parent cannot keep to a higher standard of tactfulness.”

Farnsburn has maintained the situation was all a giant misunderstanding. He stated that the cookies were meant to be sent to his wife’s book-club gathering as a lighthearted joke.

“Look, I would never knowingly send my daughter to school with those cookies. It was simply a mistake,” said the father. He continued, “Every parent knows how the morning can be a blur. I simply picked up the wrong Tupperware container.”

Farnsburn explained the shape itself was originally a mistake that he was trying to make turn into a worthwhile goof. After making a successful first batch of treats, the father flubbed the second batch.

“They were supposed to be Eiffel tower cookies. I guess I got the batch wrong and they all came out looking like…. well like mens’ privates.”

Fanrsburn then decided that the cookies should not go to waste and would be a funny treat for his wife’s all-womens book-club meeting. Fanrsburn unfortunately picked up the wrong container on his way out of the house, and his daughter ended up brandishing 35 brightly colored cock-cookies at her class party.

Some parents aren’t so sure about the excuse. Said one parent “I understand that a series of unfortunate circumstances could cause a mix up…. but this is the third time he’s done this.”