BEIJING, China –
For years the internet has been confused by an image of a bag of Doritos from China featuring a man appearing to hold another man’s legs apart while he stomps on his crotch. The Doritos, which have been dubbed “Crotch-Stomper” chips, are considered a delicacy in China, unlike the traditional chips sold throughout the world as a standard item.
According to people who have been able to try the chips, they taste exactly the way you’d expect: like balls.
“Oh my God, they’re horrible,” said Mark Jones, who paid almost $100 for a bag online. “I had to try them though – that picture is crazy. But, frankly, they taste exactly the way my balls smell after a long day at the gym or something. Nasty.”
Doritos are manufactured by Frito Lay, who say that the flavor is supposed to be savory, sweet, and tangy.
“The chips are certainly not supposed to taste like balls,” said Frito Lay spokesman Jeff Miller. “I tried them, I thought they tasted kind of like stale salt & vinegar chips. They’re not my favorite, but people love them, especially in China.”
“I ate a whole bag, I couldn’t get enough of them,” said Missy Loans. “I bought a bag online. Paid about $80 bucks for it, and they were gone in minutes. I don’t know if they really taste like balls – I mean, I’ve had plenty of balls in my mouth over the years, and I’ve never tasted balls like this. Maybe a bit like dick, but I mean, the dick is definitely not balls.”
PURCHASE, New York –
Fantastic news coming to those who enjoy the popular Frito Lay chip Doritos and those that also enjoy to smoke a bit of the refer. Coming to stores soon is a new style of the popular snack that will be infused with THC, the main chemical in marijuana.
Doritos and weed have been a popular duo for years now and the company decided to cut out the middle man and give the people what they want. With so many edible marijuana products on the selves, Frito Lay decided to take the leap and have told us they should have done it years ago.
We spoke to a Colorado man who was given a few bags of the new chip and claims while they were delicious and extremely fun, he wished he went about his experience a bit differently.
“I was asked to be in a test project for the new chip and I was pumped. They literally paid me to smoke weed and then eat weed, it was rad as hell. The chips tasted great, the buzz it gave me awesome, but there was one problem. I smoked a bong right before indulging in the chips and got the munchies real bad. The only thing I had to snack on was the weed infused Doritos and began to chop those down. I got in a weird cycle were I kept getting high and then hungry due to the THC in the chip. Finally, 2 days later I ran out of all the bags the test project gave me and my buzz finally wore off and I could wash he cheese residue off my hands and put pants on”
Lays has confirmed that they will be putting a warning label on the chips and children will not be able to buy the chips unless there parents give consent.
LAS VEGAS, Nevada –
A young man from Kansas City, Missouri has found himself in a delightfully difficult situation after he went on a winning spree at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. The problem? He is only 17-years-old, and can’t legally cash the over $300,000 in chips. Now, Brandon Marvin is forced to look for someone who can cash the chips for him.
“I was just supposed to play one roll as a goof,” Brandon explained about his monumental run of luck. “I don’t even know how to play craps. I just started placing chips in on spots and the dealer kept pushing money in my direction.”
The Hard Rock and Hotel would not comment on the issue. They stated they are reviewing the security footage and will deal with the issue as it comes. Brandon, who cannot cash the chips in himself, now has to find a way to get another player to cash them. The concern for anyone familiar with Vegas, is that being caught trying to launder the young players money could result in an unfortunate outcomes.
Says Vincent Chapelloni, head of security at The Hard Rock, of Marvin’s situation, “It is wonderful to see youth finding such fortune. Sadly for him, it was done without the proper guidance to our laws. It would be unfortunate for the young man if he attempted to take what is not legally his. It would be even more unfortunate if he and his associates were found in a ditch next week.”
Marvin is now stuck with a pile of chips and a very tough decision to make.
“It’s not like I was trying to beat the system. I literally had no idea what I was doing. People wouldn’t let me leave the table because I kept rolling sevens and my bets kept landing. I must have tried to leave 10 times. But the players refused to let me go.”
When asked if they would compensate the 17-year-old for turning in the chips, the Hard Rock declined an answer, stating they would still need to wait and see how the situation played out.