Luckiest Man Alive Survives Asia Airlines Crash; Later Killed by Airline Peanuts

Luckiest Man Alive Survives Asia Airlines Crash; Later Killed by Airline Peanuts

 

TAIPEI, Taiwan –

Leo Yang was among the first survivors to appear alive from the wreckage following the TransAsia crash in Taiwan 2 days ago. The 34-year-old businessman appeared, miraculously unscathed, following the incident, which made his death less than an hour later all the more tragic.

Yang had been pulled from the wreckage with little more than a scratch on him, baffling the rescuers who helped save him. He was reported as appearing respectively calm and collected during the extraction.

“When he came out, he thanked us politely and sat in our rescue raft until we took him back to shore,” one rescue worker said. “We assumed he was in a state of shock or something like that. He was almost too calm. After we brought him to shore, he leaned against a rail and pulled out a package of airline peanuts. That was the last time we saw him alive.”

According to an eyewitness, Yang had propped himself against a railing along a walkway. There he stood and attempted to open a package of peanuts for a good hour while he watched the rescue crew continue to work.

“That bag must have been hard to open. But he was calm the whole time,” said the onlooker. “News crews kept passing him by. They thought he was an onlooker because he was so calm.”

The witness then said that Yang suddenly reacted violently. “As soon as he was able to open the peanuts and began eating them, he clutched his throat and began to convulse. It wasn’t long before he collapsed. I called over the paramedics that were available, but it was too late.”

According to paramedics on the scene, Yang fell to an acute allergic reaction to whey protein.

“Some of these packaging companies use a whey powder to help preserve the flavor of peanuts in packaging. Yang apparently did not read the nutrition label on the package, likely due to being emotionally flustered. The adrenaline associated with shock from the crash likely had his body redlining, and so the reaction to the allergy was swift and intense.”

Yang is survived by his wife Patty and his three sons, Charlie, Franklin, and Linus.

California Elementary School Hires Registered Sex Offender, Parents Say He’s ‘Best Teacher Ever’

California Elementary School Hires Registered Sex Offender, Parents Say He's 'Best Teacher Ever'

 

MENDOCINO, California –

The John G. Downey grade school is under scrutiny for hiring a registered sex offender to head classes. However, some parents are quick to voice their appreciation for the teacher’s dedication and passion for the job.

Jonothan Alber Metz has been a registered sex offender for nearly 13 years, with two separate arrests on his record. But that didn’t stop him from landing the job as a sixth-grade teacher J.G. Downey.

“He’s got a knack for working with kids,” Says superintendent Marie Worthright. “We understand his past record, and have taken the utmost precaution in vetting him during the hiring process to make sure that is all behind him.”

While Worthwright feels secure in her decision, some lawmakers and community members have already voiced concerns about Metz being in close proximity to the children. Curiously, however, the parents of students in Metz’s class have nothing but fond words for the sex offender.

“I can’t think of a more attentive teacher for the kids,” said Bill Covington, whose daughter takes part in Metz core studies class. “He not only works hard to help the kids understand the subject, but he takes time out of his personal days to tutor them. I’ve never seen a teacher so willing to stay after class with his students. He even takes the kids on weekend field trips. It really gives us parents some much-needed alone time.”

Echoing the praise, Merriam Merth stated, “He’s great with making eye contact with the kids, and letting them know he’s listening. He has a real passion for children, you can tell.”

Metz is up for teacher of the year in the Academic Board of California Awards. Students could not be reached for comment. Most simply stated Metz was “whatever” and many indicated they didn’t want to talk about it.

‘Dexter’ Creator James Manos Jr. Admits Series Ending Was ‘Horrible,’ Plans To Bring Show Back For One Final Season

'Dexter' Creator James Manos Jr. Admits Series Ending Was 'Horrible,' Plans To Bring Show Back For One Final Season

 

MIAMI, Florida –

It can sometimes be hard to admit when a mistake is made. It can be doubly difficult when the mistake costs millions to produce and leaves a following of fans unsatisfied and despondent. That is why James Manos Jr’s admission that he could have done better with the series’ ending was such a breath of fresh air to Dexter fans.

“Quite frankly, we screwed up. It was horrible, and we’re ready to make it right with a true final season” said Manos Jr.

The Dexter series pulled in millions of fans to its twisted storyline of a serial killer tied to a bizarre moral code. Throughout eight seasons, the show wowed audiences while keeping them guessing at every turn. Unfortunately, the final episode undid all the positive motion that the previous seasons had built. A ruined climax and a rather uninspired ending left many crying foul and wanting a redo. Now, unhappy fans will finally get their wish.

“To be honest, the ending was simply thrown together because we ran out of time,” said Manos Jr. “We were all dealing with a big bout of writer’s block by the end of the show’s run. We heard that Breaking Bad was putting Walter White in the Northwest forests. We thought it would be great to put our murderer there as well. Can you imagine? A forest battle between Walter White and Dexter Morgan? We thought it was going to be brilliant.”

Unfortunately for Manos, the AMC series turned away from its original concept and killed off Walter White in the final episode, leaving Dexter in the woods alone.

“Without warning, their ending was totally different. We were left hanging there with our murderer out in the forest with no antagonist. But it was too late to save the finale since ours was a week prior to their own. They screwed us, and in turn, we screwed the fans. So now we’ve simply got to do a true final season.”

Manos Jr. Stated the ninth season could begin as early as 2016. Fans are already starting the gossip mill on who will be the antagonist, with many clamoring for Jesse Ventura.

“At the very least, even if we screwed up again, I can promise this,” said Manos Jr. “we will definitely not just cut to black in the middle of a conversation. Sorry, Sopranos. You’re alone in that boat.”

President Obama Hit With Pie; Security On High Alert

President Obama Hit With Pie; Security On High Alert

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has been pied!

The incident occurred after a meeting with the American Muslim Leaders in the Roosevelt Room. As the President exited the office, a still unidentified man ran up to the President and slapped pie platter on the side of the President’s head.

A Secret Service officer quickly subdued the man, but only after the pieing had occurred. The individual has been taken to a secure location for questioning.

The Obama administration’s Secret Service has been under heavy scrutiny following a series of failings. There was the shooting at the White House over the summer, followed by a drone being able to fly onto the grounds. Now, the Secret Service is once again under fire and will be left on high-alert for weeks.

“I am not allowed to speculate on the reasoning or nature of the attack,” said a secret service spokesperson. “I will state that the pie has been examined, and it was cleared of any poisons. We are now pulling out all the stops regarding check points and security around the perimeter. As an added precaution, all White House chefs have now lost baking privileges until further notice.”

The confection that struck the president was not a cream or berry pie as one might expect. Instead, it was a Spinach, Meat, and Cheese Pie. These pies are most commonly found in the Middle East, and have left some speculating what the deeper meaning is.

The White House Press Secretary released a brief statement regarding the president’s health.

“The President would like to assure the American people that he is both fine, and that the pie was quite tasty. He said he only wished the man had handed him the pie, rather than waste so much of it that was lodged deep within the President’s ear.”

American Public Decides Scientists are Idiots Regarding GMO Foods

American Public Decide Scientists are Idiots Regarding GMO Foods

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Over the past half-decade, there has been a growing debate regarding the quality and safety of GMO foods. There has been debate back and forth even within the scientific community regarding the use of GMO capabilities in produce. But more and more, scientists have become increasingly in favor of its use. The American public, however, seems to be turning on the lab-coated professionals.

“These fancy doctors come in with their degrees and charts and try to tell me what is good and not good to eat. Quite frankly it’s insulting,” said Wyatt Stanfield, a local advocate against GMO production. “If I don’t want to eat a mutant corn, than damnit, I shouldn’t have to eat a mutant corn. It’s my stomach, for crying out loud!”

In a recent study, 71 percent of scientists and doctors agreed that with proper regulation and caps on experimentation, GMO foods were wholly safe. In the same study, only 31 percent of ‘common citizens’ agreed. Another 51 percent felt that GMOs posed a legitimate threat to the health of individuals that ate them regularly.

“We all know what food is safe,” says Stanfield. “Food made by God and grown from the earth. That is what we’re intended to eat. Anything made by labs is sure to cause us trouble. I don’t know why they think they can play God with our food. We know it’s going to give us cancer, or mutate our genes or make us sterile. But they keep pretending it’s fine. They keep saying ‘Don’t worry, they can’t hurt you.’”

Says Dr. Daniel Roberts MD of the GMO foods, “Don’t worry, they can’t hurt you. GMO food has already been in use for some time, and I’m still not entirely sure why people are against it,” said Roberts. He continued by pointing to a banana left on a table nearby. “This fruit is a clone of a single banana that has been recreated over and over over decades. Have you ever seen a real banana? They are short, green, and have giant seeds. These things we have now aren’t even close to a real banana. They’re genetically modified, and I’m pretty sure it hasn’t killed anyone not allergic to it.”

When asked about the banana, Stanfield stood defiantly. “That banana was made by God, and no liberal elitist agenda is going to trick me into believing otherwise.”

Melissa McCarthy Says She’s ‘Spreading Her Acting Wings’ In Ghostbuster Reboot

Melissa McCarthy Says She's 'Spreading Her Acting Wings' In Ghostbuster Reboot

 

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Melissa McCarthy says she is sick of playing the same role all the time. Now, she is ready to ‘spread her wings’ and take on a more challenging concept for the upcoming Ghostbusters reboot.

“I have been sitting uncomfortably in the same character for a long time,” the actress stated. “It’s time I come out of my shell, and show what I can really do.”

According to sources, McCarthy caused a stir when she told the producers of her decision to tackle a new dynamic in her acting prowess. Paul Feig, who is heading the project, had this to say about McCarthy’s decision.

“Obviously we hired her for a specific role type, and felt she was right for the character we had in mind. But, after she approached us about the character and her direction with it, we feel comfortable letting her expand the character.”

McCarthy, who came to fame for her roles in both TV and movies, said she wants to be more inspiring, both to herself and to others.

“I’ve just become so tired of playing the same shackled character. I think it’s time I really express myself, and stop playing such ‘between the lines’ kind of characters,” said McCarthy. “I want my new characters to be more brash, outspoken, and crass. No more having to try to figure out what my characters are all about. I’m tired of the subtly and unspoken dialogue I have to portrait. I’m going to make them sassy, bold, full-figured women. The meek characters are all over for me.”

When confused entertainment reporters asked McCarthy to expand on how she viewed her previous characters, she explained frankly, “Well, you know – you can only play the straight man for so long. Now it’s time for me to show my goofball side. I’m going to tickle the hell out of your funny bones in this one. Just wait! It’s going to be a side of me that you never thought you’d see.”

Seattle Coach Pete Carroll In ‘Depths of Depression’ Following Super Bowl Failure

Seattle Coach Pete Carroll In 'Depths of Depression' Following Super Bowl Failure

SEATTLE, Washington – 

Pete Carroll’s final play call at the end of Superbowl XLIX confused many in attendance, and viewers watching across the globe. Now, it appears that a sort of serious depression has taken control of the coach.

“I first want to apologize to the fans of Seattle,” said Carroll in his open letter. “But in the end, it doesn’t even really matter anyway. What does a hunk of metal and glass really mean anyway? It’s only a game. Only the biggest game. It’s nothing. We’re all nothing, right? Just specs in the universe. Who cares?”

With seconds remaining on the clock, the Seahawks flubbed an opportunity for a seemingly simple run by Marshan Lynch, instead opting for a quick pass that was intercepted by the Patriots. The play resulted in the Seahawks failing to capture their second title in as many years. Many have since questioned why Carroll made the call he did.

“To everyone who wants to spend all their time talking about the play, I say spend your time doing something better. I mean, who cares? This is football. People are starving all over the world. We should put more time and effort into that and less into football. Way less. It’s just a game. Nobody cares. This is all over. There’s always next year. There’s always next year…”

While many fans have shown disdain for the remarks, some close to Carroll have voiced concern, stating that on top of the loss, the weather in Seattle may be partially to blame for the coach’s current mood.

“I’ve never heard him talk like this before,” said wife Glena Coranson. “He is usually rather chipper, and turning on some music, like the Eagles or Peter Frampton will pick him right up. But the last couple days, all he wants to do is listen to Nirvana and Alice in Chains. I think he might have SAD.”

Psychiatrist and Mental Health Specialist, Dr. Ingrid Houffheim, who has not treated Carroll, said the recent letter from Carroll should not be taken lightly.

“Given the magnitude of his mistake, I’d say it is important to keep an eye on him,” Houffheim stated. “Even before the play happened, you could see Carroll did not have positive body language. His reaction is one of a sad acceptance. While I cannot diagnose a person without speaking with them first, I would not be surprised if Carroll drew up that play as a sort of self sabotage. If he didn’t though, then damn, what a stupid move!”

 

Carroll's Reaction
Carroll’s Reaction To the interception by the Patriots

UFC Fighter Connor McGregor Plans to Melt Down Featherweight Belt Into Pot of Gold

UFC Fighter Connor McGregor Plans to Melt Down Featherweight Belt Into Pot of Gold

 

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Irish No. 1 contender Connor McGregor has stated that he is ready to make the UFC Gold his own in a unique way. At a press conference in Las Vegas, McGregor stated that after he defeated Jose Aldo for the Featherweight title, he would melt down the belt into a pot of gold.

“It will be a glorious day for all of Ireland when the belt is wrapped around my waist,” McGregor boastfully stated. “It will be an even more glorious day when I melt the gold down into a lump of shiny perfection and place it into a black pot. Contenders will have to follow the rainbow to the end, where I’ll be waiting for them.”

McGregor is set to fight Aldo on Memorial Day weekend, as the headliner for a UFC PPV in Las Vegas. Aldo is the only man to have held the Featherweight belt, and has successfully retained the belt nine times. When questioned about the contender’s intentions, UFC President Dana White seemed curiously on-board with the idea.

“The kid is a monumental God damn talent. I can’t wait to see what he does. You’ve got Jose Aldo, who is the best fighter on the planet, and this McGregor kid who is literally the greatest sonofabitchin’ challenger we have ever seen. He’s fearless, and if he can take that belt from Aldo, nobody can stop him from doing what he wants.”

The UFC gold has held distinction over the last decade as one of the most sought-after accomplishments for combat athletes. Until now, no one had ever mentioned an interest in fashioning the gold adornment to his/her own personal liking. That will all change if McGregor is successful.

When reached for questions regarding the challengers intentions, Jose Aldo stared silently into the recording device until the reporter finally walked away.

Patriots Coach Bill Belichick Eyed By Political Parties For Presidential Nomination

Patriots Coach Bill Belichick Eyed By Political Parties For Presidential Nomination

 

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts – 

Bill Belichick’s image may be seen on more popular sports websites soon, as whispers across the Beltway indicate that the New England Patriot’s coach is now a recruitment target of the political elite.

With the Super Bowl fast approaching, many have their minds locked into the strategies and game plans that will be employed by the Patriots and Seattle Seahawks. However, according to sources, some big-wigs in the political realm have their eyes set on one particular mastermind for a wholly different reason.

“Bill Belichick would be a great ‘get’ for any political party,” a Capitol Hill source stated. “Think about it. Football is the new opiate of the masses, and you have an entire section of America, an important voting sector, that love that man more than their mothers. To harness the power of sporting fandom and translate it to politics would be a surefire way to gain footing in the political realm.”

His popularity isn’t the only reason Belichick is being sought after, though, according to the source. “The way he’s handled controversy with ease is the envy of many on The Hill. Most of the political elite can be brought down by a single scandal. But not Belichick.”

It is true that Belichick has somehow been able to remain relatively unscathed. In 2007, New England was caught taping opponents practices, and escaped with just fines. Now, in 2015, the Patriots were found to be deflating footballs. The latter controversy was all be squashed only a week after it was noted. Anyone can get away with a single controversy through nothing more than luck. However, the Patriots leader has now survived two without so much as a hint at resignation.

The unnamed source continued by saying, “Spygate showed he had what it takes to survive a political storm. But Deflategate is where he showed that he has that impervious spirit of politics, and is immune to the ire of the populous. That shows true talent and any part would be lucky to have him.”

When asked which party has attempted to court Belichick, the source laughed, stating, “I can’t think of a party that hasn’t offhand. Maybe the Boiling Frog Party in Colorado? Everyone wants him. They want to make him President. And if he’s even remotely interested, they will make it happen.”

NASA to Scrap Venus Trip, Using Funds to Study Bruce Jenner

NASA to Scrap Venus Trip, Using Funds to Study Bruce Jenner

 

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida – 

NASA officials have made the unprecedented announcement regarding the transition a large sum of funds from space exploration to a more terrestrial endeavor. In a recent press release, the plan was made clear. “We have decided to move funds from space exploration to study Bruce Jenner.”

Officials at the National Aeronautics and Space Association stated that the move was decided after a series of groundbreaking feats went relatively unnoticed by the US public. According to officials, NASA must remain more mindful of its popularity to retain funding. Thus, drastic steps must be made to stay in the limelight.

“We simply have to stay relevant to today’s society. In order to do so, we have to be aware of what is popular – what fascinates people,” said Mission Director J.D. Harrington. “What fascinates people right now is Bruce Jenner.”

Jenner recently made waves regarding his interest in transforming into a woman. NASA officials made it clear that their funding the exploration of the former Olympic star were not an unfocused mocking, but instead a true scientific endeavor.

“This isn’t a cheap ploy at all. Nor is it an attempt to demean the transgender community,”
Harrington explained firmly. “The fact is, plenty of people are interested in this. Many are unaware of the transgender process or how it works. In a lot of ways it is more mysterious than space, and NASA has the funds to study this situation and process.”

When asked about the recent finding of Ceres, a dwarf planet in the solar system, as well as the landing on the Rosetta Comet, Harrington was once again frank.

“Sure, we found a new planet-sized object in the asteroid belt. And yes, we landed a machine on a [expletive] asteroid. But no big deal. It’s clear the two most talked about spherical objects in our solar system are on Jenner’s chest. So I guess we’ll just need to study those. Why not cover something that costs less money and seems to interest people?”

NASA has scrapped an upcoming mission to Venus in order to send a probe to orbit Jenner for six weeks. The shuttle is set to launch early next month, weather permitting.

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