Jeb Bush Looks To Reach Younger Voters By Legally Changing Name To Jeb Shaved

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Jeb Bush has been running his campaign based almost solely on his family name, following in the footsteps of his brother, George W., and father, George Bush, but seemingly failing to connect with younger voters.

“I think that too many people look at me, and they see my family, and although that’s okay, it’s not winning me any points lately,” said Jeb Bush. “In fact, I think having the Bush name is really becoming a hinderance in this race.”

Bush says that he thinks that his name is “too old fashioned,” and that a change is definitely in order.

“I am working with lawyers to have my name legally changed,” said Bush. “No longer will the Bush name be in my way. That name is old and dated. A relic of the 80s and 90s. From now on, I will go by the name Jeb Shaved, because that’s what the younger kids are about these days.”

There was no comment made by anyone else from the Bush family.

 

American Public Decides Scientists are Idiots Regarding GMO Foods

American Public Decide Scientists are Idiots Regarding GMO Foods

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Over the past half-decade, there has been a growing debate regarding the quality and safety of GMO foods. There has been debate back and forth even within the scientific community regarding the use of GMO capabilities in produce. But more and more, scientists have become increasingly in favor of its use. The American public, however, seems to be turning on the lab-coated professionals.

“These fancy doctors come in with their degrees and charts and try to tell me what is good and not good to eat. Quite frankly it’s insulting,” said Wyatt Stanfield, a local advocate against GMO production. “If I don’t want to eat a mutant corn, than damnit, I shouldn’t have to eat a mutant corn. It’s my stomach, for crying out loud!”

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In a recent study, 71 percent of scientists and doctors agreed that with proper regulation and caps on experimentation, GMO foods were wholly safe. In the same study, only 31 percent of ‘common citizens’ agreed. Another 51 percent felt that GMOs posed a legitimate threat to the health of individuals that ate them regularly.

“We all know what food is safe,” says Stanfield. “Food made by God and grown from the earth. That is what we’re intended to eat. Anything made by labs is sure to cause us trouble. I don’t know why they think they can play God with our food. We know it’s going to give us cancer, or mutate our genes or make us sterile. But they keep pretending it’s fine. They keep saying ‘Don’t worry, they can’t hurt you.’”

Says Dr. Daniel Roberts MD of the GMO foods, “Don’t worry, they can’t hurt you. GMO food has already been in use for some time, and I’m still not entirely sure why people are against it,” said Roberts. He continued by pointing to a banana left on a table nearby. “This fruit is a clone of a single banana that has been recreated over and over over decades. Have you ever seen a real banana? They are short, green, and have giant seeds. These things we have now aren’t even close to a real banana. They’re genetically modified, and I’m pretty sure it hasn’t killed anyone not allergic to it.”

When asked about the banana, Stanfield stood defiantly. “That banana was made by God, and no liberal elitist agenda is going to trick me into believing otherwise.”

Obama To Offer Full Citizenship To Illegal Aliens Who Register As Democrats

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Obama To Offer Full Citizenship To Any Illegals Who Register As Democrats

President Obama today signed an executive order granting citizenship to all illegal aliens if they agree to register as democrat voters. The order was expected by many in congress, although dictating voter party has many in Washington up in arms. 

“I have been pushing for a path to citizenship for 6 years, but the Republican House has done nothing,” said President Obama.”If the republicans and the extreme right don’t care enough to make these people citizens, well then it’s only right to make them Democrats. Thanks to the our party blocking voter I.D. laws, illegals have been voting democrat in our elections for years already. I expect some outrage from the right, but in the end, I only have two years left in my presidency and I’m not done transforming America. You expect a lot more executive orders it the next two years, because now that the republicans are in control of both houses, I will be using my pen for two things, vetoes and executive actions.”

John Boehner (R. – Ohio) says that he thinks the President has ‘lost touch with reality.’

“Obama has no respect for the constitution, or the majority of people in this country.  Insisting illegals register as democrats is the most outrageous move in the history of this country,” said Boehner. “We will fight this move through legal action, and push for impeachment proceedings if we can, but make no mistake, we will stop this President.”

The order grants illegal aliens in already in the U.S. full citizenship, as well as healthcare benefits and food assistance, and will begin registering the individuals as of January 1st.

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