President Trump has decided to throw a massive “I Beat Impeachment” party at the White House, which is slated to kickoff around 6PM on Saturday, with plans to run until the early morning hours on Monday.
“This is going to be the biggest, and best event that the White House has ever seen,” said President Trump. “When you’re the best, you want to have the best parties, and invite the best celebrities, and it’s going to be huge. Just huge. I’m very excited to have people join me for this mega-rager.”
Trump went on to say that several celebrity guests were scheduled to appear, including Eli Manning, Rush Limbaugh, Ted Nugent, and a “variety of Playboy Playmates” from the last several years.
“Oh man, the amount of planning this has taken is immense,” said a White House staffer who preferred to stay anonymous. “When the President parties, it’s a big deal. We need to include a barrage of cocaine and alcohol to keep the guests happy, and I’ll tell you right now – if you think the impeachment was a waste of taxpayer money, the cost of this party is going to put that to shame.”
Musical guests scheduled to perform include Kanye West, Dire Straits, and The Jesus and Mary Chain.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
The liberal left has been asking for his head on a stick, and it’s seeming like they might get it – Donald Trump’s impeachment proceedings officially begin on Monday, May 1st.
“This is an amazing day, I cannot wait for his impeachment to happen,” said Mary Lambert, a staunch Democrat. “Trump is a disgrace, and him being impeached and kicked out of office is the best thing that can happen.”
Lambert, who teaches History to middle-school children, was confused when told that “impeachment” doesn’t mean being kicked out of office, but rather, is just another name for an indictment of an official who holds office.
“What? No. When a President is impeached, it means they are kicked out. That’s why Nixon resigned – he was going to be impeached, so he skipped out on it first,” said Lambert.
“That seems to be a common misconception among idiots,” said political advisor Joel Murray. “Impeachment doesn’t mean anything. Impeachment is just being indicted; they show up in court, basically. They still have to be found guilty, but being impeached doesn’t mean they will. Trump won’t – he hasn’t done anything worth being removed from office. I don’t understand why people are so stupid. These are adults. Don’t they remember that Bill Clinton was impeached?”
Despite the confusion about the definition of the term, Trump’s impeachment is still set to begin in just a few days, with many thinking this could be the beginning of the end.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Obama today signed an executive order granting citizenship to all illegal aliens if they agree to register as democrat voters. The order was expected by many in congress, although dictating voter party has many in Washington up in arms.
“I have been pushing for a path to citizenship for 6 years, but the Republican House has done nothing,” said President Obama.”If the republicans and the extreme right don’t care enough to make these people citizens, well then it’s only right to make them Democrats. Thanks to the our party blocking voter I.D. laws, illegals have been voting democrat in our elections for years already. I expect some outrage from the right, but in the end, I only have two years left in my presidency and I’m not done transforming America. You expect a lot more executive orders it the next two years, because now that the republicans are in control of both houses, I will be using my pen for two things, vetoes and executive actions.”
John Boehner (R. – Ohio) says that he thinks the President has ‘lost touch with reality.’
“Obama has no respect for the constitution, or the majority of people in this country. Insisting illegals register as democrats is the most outrageous move in the history of this country,” said Boehner. “We will fight this move through legal action, and push for impeachment proceedings if we can, but make no mistake, we will stop this President.”
The order grants illegal aliens in already in the U.S. full citizenship, as well as healthcare benefits and food assistance, and will begin registering the individuals as of January 1st.