Smoke From Wildfires Expected To Cause Thick Haze Across Entire Country

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CALIFORNIA –

Scorching heat and tinder-dry conditions across the west have contributed to massive wildfires in the past week that have destroyed properties and sent residents to seek shelter and hope for the best. Even those who do not live in areas affected by wildfires will likely still be impacted as the smoke disperses and causes record levels of haze across the United States.

Several large wildfires in the United States are producing smoke that is being transported for hundreds of miles. The National Weather service has posted Red Flag Warnings for areas in California and Wyoming, saying the smoke may be so bad it blocks out the sun in some areas. Residents as far as Utah have seen thick black smoke traveling from California.

According to Bill Gabbert of Wildfire Today, the real problem is the pollution. “Wildfire smoke tends to bind with other smog particles like sulfur oxides, car exhaust, and ozone. This weights the smoke down, making it a slow moving menace.”

Although the haze will be significant, it will be high enough in the atmosphere that people will notice the obscured sun, but not be affected by the pollution.

Carrie Underwood Talks About Binge Eating Disorder

NASHVILLE, Tennessee – 

“I didn’t throw up or anything nasty like that. I’d just start eating and find myself half way through a pizza and I wouldn’t be able to stop,” said Carrie Underwood – one of the world’s biggest country and pop stars. “It started in college at Oklahoma’s Eastern State University. A place me and my friends went had 3 for $15 pizza. I couldn’t handle the urges.”

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In addition to a traveling gym, Underwood says she has a traveling therapist that will talk her down when the urge to binge eat hits.

“For a while I stopped binging on my favorites like pizza and Chinese food. I’d drink bottle after bottle of ketchup and consume jars of dill pickles. I became vegan so I would only binge on ‘healthy things’. But my family is a bunch of meat eaters and I realized there would always be temptation around,” said Underwood. “Even though I hate the thought of cows being exploited, I am obsessed with rubbing butter all over body. That’s why I can’t have it in the house.”

Underwood’s full story will appear in next month’s Country Cowgirl Magazine. 

Eminem To Record Album Of Country Song Covers

Eminem Gives One Million Dollars To Homeless Man

DETROIT, Michigan

Marshall Mathers, best known by his stage name Eminem, has said that his next album will be entirely compromised of cover songs, with all of them being songs straight out of Nashville.

“I’m one of the biggest selling artists of all time, and the top selling rapper, but there are a lot of other musical genres out there that I haven’t stuck my feet into,” said Eminem. “Country is the most popular music there is. It outsells rap or rock 10 to 1. So it’s time I got in on that action, and my next album will be very country.”

Originally when it was announced, fans and reporters assumed that the album would be rap covers of country songs, but as news has spread, Eminem has clarified that the album would not be rap at all, it would be straight-up country music.

“I don’t know how to write country lyrics, because I haven’t often fucked my sister or sat in the back of a pick-up truck drinking from a red cup, but I know what loss feels like, and I know what it means to be poor white trash, so that’s why I’m going country,” said Eminem. “These will be covers of other popular country songs, and they will be amazing. You’ll see.”

United States Government Seeks Design For New American Flag

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a country where people are more divided than ever, the US government has decided that the standard “stars and bars” American flag has become something of a misnomer when it comes to describing how the nation stands.

“At one time, the flag stood for patriotism, unity, and the greatest nation on Earth,” said US Senator Mike Jollie. “As of late, with a country divided so fiercely on nearly every possible issue, with a country fighting amongst itself over things as trivial as religion, gay marriage, and even – for some reason – civil rights and unrest, well, it’s time that we have a flag more representative of where we stand today.”

Suggestions made by the Senate include a solid black flag with a gun in the middle, a solid red flag with a black hand and a white hand flipping each other off, a rainbow colored flag with a silhouette of two penises, and just a solid white flag with no imagery.

“The last idea, the solid white flag, seems to be the one most people are leaning towards at this point,” said Jollie. “A solid white flag or cloth has always been a sign of surrender, and at this point, we really should just be giving up. This country has become the laughingstock of the world, so why not?”

Artists and designers from across the country are urged to submit their flag ideas through the website of the white house, www.whitehouse.gov.

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