WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Young black Americans are apparently taking a stand and wiping their asses with the American flag, all in support of Colin Kaepernick and his sit-in during the National Anthem, and to make notice of their rights to free speech.
“I love America, there’s nothing wrong here at all as far as my life is concerned,” said Shelby McIntire, an ass-wiping, flag hater. “Problem is, fuck the flag, and fuck the national anthem. I don’t care about symbols, I care about action, and there’s none happening for young niggas like me. So, here’s your flag, here’s my shit, and now the two can meet.”
The act of flag desecration is protected free speech, but McIntire has had to go into hiding thanks to internet trolls that revealed her address on popular website Reddit.
“I’m not scared for me, but I don’t want them to hurt my family over this,” said McIntire. “It will all blow over, though. And I can go back to wiping my ass with toilet paper.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In a country where people are more divided than ever, the US government has decided that the standard “stars and bars” American flag has become something of a misnomer when it comes to describing how the nation stands.
“At one time, the flag stood for patriotism, unity, and the greatest nation on Earth,” said US Senator Mike Jollie. “As of late, with a country divided so fiercely on nearly every possible issue, with a country fighting amongst itself over things as trivial as religion, gay marriage, and even – for some reason – civil rights and unrest, well, it’s time that we have a flag more representative of where we stand today.”
Suggestions made by the Senate include a solid black flag with a gun in the middle, a solid red flag with a black hand and a white hand flipping each other off, a rainbow colored flag with a silhouette of two penises, and just a solid white flag with no imagery.
“The last idea, the solid white flag, seems to be the one most people are leaning towards at this point,” said Jollie. “A solid white flag or cloth has always been a sign of surrender, and at this point, we really should just be giving up. This country has become the laughingstock of the world, so why not?”
Artists and designers from across the country are urged to submit their flag ideas through the website of the white house, www.whitehouse.gov.