New Jay-Z Streaming Service ‘Tidal’ to Fulfill Goal of Making More Money for Jay-Z

New Jay-Z Streaming Service 'Tidal' to Fulfill Goal of Making More Money for Jay-Z

MIAMI, Florida – 

New music service, Tidal, has prided itself as being the first artist owned music streaming service. Sean “Jay-Z” Carter is the most prominent name on the list of owners, and reportedly the man who brought the service to popularity amongst other performers. The goal of the service is to make more money for Jay-Z and his brand.

“I make music. I love music. I make money. I love money,” said Jay-Z. “Therefore it makes sense to use this excellent service to pursue those things I love.”

Other names signed on as owners include Carter’s wife Beyonce, Rihanna, Kanye West and Madonna. And although their goals differ slightly from Carter’s, they’re all in it for a similar reason.

“I want to make money for Kanye West,” West is quoted as saying.

“I intend to make more millions for my brand,” Rihanna stated.

“Madonna needs more money. Madonna will get more money,” said Madonna.

Fans of the artists have announced that they are ready and willing to give their money to their favorite celebrities.

“I love giving money to Beyonce,” said fan Halle Coozen. “I’m always looking for new ways to do so, and this is just perfect. Just perfect!”

But cynics are criticizing Carter and company, saying that there are already enough ways to give them money, and Tidal will only detract from the integrity of those mediums.

“iTunes is a great way to pay artists and their labels,” said analyst Mansford Manfred. “I just think Tidal will mean that money that would be going through that channel will be channeled differently. It’s confusing for me. And I don’t want that to compromise my ability to pay the stars I love!”

Beyonce Releases Surprise Album of Herself, Jay-Z Singing Lullabies to Blue Ivy

Beyonce Releases Surprise Album of Herself, Jay-Z Singing Lullabies to Blue Ivy


MIAMI, Florida – 

Fans of Beyonce were over the moon when, in December 2013, she released her surprise self-titled album. It went on to garner critical acclaim, with singles like “Drunk In Love” and “Flawless” considered among her best.

Early this morning, in collaboration with husband Sean “Jay-Z” Carter, Queen B suddenly dropped her latest release, “Bedtime With Blue.” It’s an experimental album that’s set to turn the music world on its head.

“Each track consists of a lullaby sung by me or Sean to Blue Ivy,” Beyonce explained. “After every song there is a few seconds recorded of Blue’s sounds and words.”

The implications of this is that Blue Ivy is credited on every composition. Already in 2012, the then 2-day-old’s cries were featured on Jay-Z’s hit, Glory, making her the youngest person ever to appear on a Billboard chart. Critics suggest that the popstar couple are attempting with this album to shoot their daughter to early stardom, accusations which Beyonce’s publicity team have swiftly denied.

“I think everyone can hear from the first single that this is far more than a publicity stunt,” said agent Zoe Jensen. “The family’s performance of “Rockabye Baby” [the first single released from the album] is revolutionary. To take a classic like that, sung by the best voice of our generation, with a rap by Jay-Z about himself, splitting the third verse and final chorus, is something that’s never been done. It will bring back childhood memories, giving you a glimpse of the success of the beloved couple in the process.”

The pair, who have for years kept their relationship and their daughter from the public eye, released a joint statement explaining their shift.

“We owe it to our fans to hear what goes on in our house at night,” they said, “if only for the reason that it’s something no one else will ever be able to replicate. We get to experience the joy of our voices combining in serenading the most important being in our lives, but the proletariat has always had to settle for their own toneless rendition of uninteresting tunes. Now, not only do they get to enjoy our talents, but their children get to grow up knowing what they can aspire to, always aware that it’s beyond their reach.”

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