Dr. Pepper Announces Production Halt, Purchase By Coca-Cola


ATLANTA, Georgia – 

The Coca-Cola Company says that they have purchased the rights to one of their biggest rivals from 7-Up Co., Dr. Pepper. The company says that they have plans to discontinue the product sometime in the summer of 2016, with plans to create their own, offshoot product that is “very similar” in taste to Dr. Pepper.

“After 131 years of quenching Americans thirst, Dr. Pepper will halt production in the Summer of 2016,” said Coca-Cola spokesman Mark Carson. “Though sales have always remained consistent, the 7-Up company can no longer compete with other soda producers using cheaper ingredients, such as ours. Rights to the recipe have been sold to us at Coca-Cola, and we have plans to stop producing the beverage later this year. Following shortly, a new Coca-Cola-branded version of a Dr. Pepper substitute will come out.”

Representatives for Dr. Pepper released a statement saying they were “extremely depressed” by the sale of the beverage recipe, but that they had “no choice” with the offer Coke made. They will continue to market and distribute their other flagship soda, 7-Up.

U.S. Government Announces Plans To Sell Statue of Liberty

LIBERTY ISLAND, New York – U.S. Government Announces Plans To Sell Statue of Liberty

One of the most iconic figures in the history of the United States will be put up for auction this fall, say representatives from the White House. The Statue of Liberty is being put up for sale after congress has deemed it as “luxury” item that the state of New York, and the government itself, cannot continue to afford to maintain.

The decision was made after several other countries made actual offers on Lady Liberty. After determining that the offers were legitimate, and seeing the astonishing amounts that were being offered, President Obama met with his cabinet and they decided that it would be an easy way to put an ‘injection into the heart of the economy.’

Since October 28, 1886, the statue has stood proudly in place and gave new immigrants to America hope, welcoming them to their new life. The people of France gave the Statue to the people of the United States over one hundred years ago in recognition of the friendship established during the American Revolution.

It appears that friendship has a price after all, though. Representatives from the French government have yet to give a statement on their thoughts about the sale, but financial advisors and lawyers for the government in France are working on making sure they receive a portion of the profit that America makes when selling it.

Ticket sales for The Statue of Liberty tour are happening now, with everyone still being able to gain admittance until the date is announced for the sale. President Obama has urged everyone who has not seen the Statue in person to try to make it to Liberty Island ‘as soon as possible.’

“This is a piece of history, absolutely,” said President Obama. “We want all Americans to be able to see Lady Liberty, her majestic beauty, up close before it is too late. Ticket sales will help in the cost of dismantling the statue from her base for her eventual move to the country of her buyer.”



Justin Bieber Purchases Historic Graceland Mansion From Elvis Presley Estate

MEMPHIS, Tennessee – justin beiber buys historic graceland mansion

Graceland, the cherished white-columned Mansion in Memphis, Tennessee purchased by Elvis Presley in March of 1957 for $102,500 has, shockingly, been sold according to Presley’s daughter, Lisa Marie Presley, for an undisclosed amount of money. The buyer was none other than millionaire pop-singer Justin Bieber, who closed the deal on Monday.

The home, registered as a National Historic Landmark, has been estimated to have been worth at least $100 million. As most Elvis lovers know, the home is a huge tourist attraction, attracting more than 600,000 visitors per year. So what does it all mean? Will Bieber keep it as is, which is big business and a major Memphis tourist attraction? Nobody seems to know, including Lisa Marie.

“It is a difficult time for my mother and I, as we have decided to move on,” Said Presley via a written statement issued by her publicist, Paul Bloch. “Keeping up with Graceland had proven to be extremely taxing – literally and figuratively. We privately put it on the market last month. It was sold to Justin Bieber, and we will leave any and all details for him and his people to explain. The sale was completed and that is all we can share with you at this time.”

The news is sure to infuriate longtime lovers of The King. Visitors who were waiting in line for a daily tour of the home were asked their opinion about the transaction, none of which had any idea that the home had been sold.

“This is a joke right?” asked concerned fan Kenny Russell, from Chicago, Illinois, who was visiting with his two daughters. “Well, all I can say is I’m glad I brought them when I did, because if that trouble making punk bought this beautiful place, it will surely become some kinda sex-filled bachelor pad and get destroyed.”

As if news of  Graceland wasn’t shocking enough, fans seemed generally depressed and mostly angered that it was sold to someone such as Bieber.

“I’ll tell you what…if that overgrown toddler really did purchase this place, it is a major blow to American Music History,” said Dottie Pittman of New Orleans, Louisiana. “I will never be back, that’s for sure!”

Several attempts to contact the Bieber camp came up empty on Monday evening. It is totally unknown what will be done with the mansion located at 3764 Elvis Presley Blvd. There is speculation that there were partners involved with Bieber, but those reports have yet to be confirmed. Why Bieber is remaining tight-lipped about the exchange is as bizarre as the story itself.

“What exactly has the world come to? Maybe some drastic measure can be taken, causing the reversal of transaction.” Said Presley super-fan Mark Chapman. “[Bieber] is everything that is wrong with show business. It is as if he is some mutant, annoying, pimple faced spoiled rich kid that gets anything he wants in this country. If this social decline continues we are ultimately doomed.”


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