Movie Theatres Begin Charging Extra To Patrons Who Leave Behind Mess

Movie Theatres Begin Charging Extra To Patrons Who Leave Behind Mess

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Several large movie theatre chains have come together to begin enforcing new rules in their establishments. According to memos sent to employees for General Cinema, Cinema Center, Frontier Theaters, and Cineline Theaters, all state that beginning May 1st, patrons who leave behind their popcorn bags or buckets, or soda cups will be forced to pay an “exit fee.”

“Basically, we gave up on people. It is impossible for most theatre customers to buy food, take it into the theatre, and then take it back out again when they leave,” said General Cinema manager Tom Joseph. “Instead, before patrons are allowed to leave, we will watch to see who leaves behind their food, or who has spilled or made large messes in the aisles. These people will have to pay an additional $5, or be forced to clean up their own mess.”

“The entire project is a cost-saving measure for us,” said Cineline CEO Milton Browne. “We pay employees top minimum-wage dollars to work for us, and they have to clean up after hundreds, maybe thousands of people a day, who cannot seem to get the popcorn from the bucket to their faces without throwing it over three aisles. It’s absurd. This way, people will be inclined to keep things neat and tidy, or else they’ll be faced with a fine. No different than a littering fine out in the world.”

Most patrons say that they will refuse to continue seeing movies in the theatre if they are forced to pay additional fees.

“This is some serious bullshit,” said frequent movie goer Charles Demar. “I like to go in with my nachos, chips, drinks, and huge bags of candy, plop my fat ass in a seat, and proceed to plow through it all, making as much of a mess as I want. Now they want me to stay neat or pay an additional fine? Get real.”

“I will never go to any of these theatres again,” said Bonnie Richards, a mother of 3 small children. “I often take my wreckless, loud, obnoxious, asshole children with me to see movies, and they like to run around and throw popcorn and make a mess. I should be allowed to let them do that, while disturbing everyone else in the theatre, and then not have to worry about cleaning up after them. I do enough cleaning up at home. Frankly, I hope every single one of these chains goes out of business.”

Movie Theatre Popcorn Linked To Erectile Dysfunction

Movie Theatre Popcorn Linked To Erectile Dysfunction

HOLLYWOOD, California –

It might be a good idea to lay off those refillable combos at your local multiplex, fellas. A recent study released by the American Journal Of Erectile Function states that popcorn, specifically the kind that is served at your local movie theatre, can play a significant part in erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.

“If you’re a movie buff, and you’re finding it hard to get it up and keep it up, it’s probably from years of abuse to your penis – via kettle-popped popcorn,” said Dr. Frances Joseph, professor of penile studies at American Journal. “As it turns out, chemicals that are commonly used in the popcorn salt flavoring, as well as the oil, has a significant result in that it keeps the penis super relaxed. It’s something we’re still not understanding completely, but are trying to find the precise link.”

Joseph says that the “butter flavoring” that theatres use isn’t much better for your body, but does have the alternate use of being capable of being a fantastic personal lubricant.

“In our research and discovery, we tested many parts of the popcorn that is commonly served in theatres, and we also took the liberty of breaking down and researching the fake butter used as well,” said Joseph. “It turns out it’s mostly water-based lubricants, much like sex lube, and can be used in mostly the same way with very little issue.”

Joseph says that he is asking men to discontinue eating movie theatre popcorn on their visits to the local multiplex, unless they’ve already had children are not interested in having more. The study indicated that it will take its findings to multiple theatre chains to work out new recipes for popcorn and new methods of cooking that do not decrease a man’s sexual levels.

Study Suggests Movie Theatre Butter Can Make Men Sterile, Impotent

Study Suggests Movie Theatre Butter Can Make Men Sterile, Impotent

AUSTIN, Texas – 

A worrying new study will have hordes of men staying away from popcorn at the movies. The startling research reports that the butter used by cinemas around America has the potential to make men sterile, and even impotent altogether. Apparently due to the chemical, PEW, the snack causes hormonal chaos, with testosterone among the major losses.

“We found this information due to a previous study in which the testicles of male rats fell off after the input of copious amounts of PEW,” said head researcher Peter Darren. “Immediately, we drew up a list of all edible products which might use the chemical. Popcorn butter was the only one with significant amounts.”

The researchers then did a longitudinal study, remarkably over only two years.

“Already in two years we saw the consequences of popcorn butter. 200 normal, adult males participated. 100 of them stayed away from popcorn for the period of time. The other 100 ate what would constitute a regular measure of the product.”

Out of the 100 who ate the popcorn, 15 were found to have low sperm counts, and 3 were completely impotent.

“18% is a shocking proportion, especially since movie popcorn is so heavily and widely consumed. It means almost a fifth of our population could be sterile or worse. That might explain the lower-than-expected population growth over the past few decades.”

The Independent Cinema Foundation (ICF) initially released a press statement refuting the claims made by the study.

“There is absolutely no need to panic,” it read. “We would not put our customers at risk were there even the slightest indication of harm. The reported study is being looked into, but at the moment it looks like one big hoax.”

Three hours later, however, and members of the ICF were already jumping ship.

“We’re totally fucked,” said former head of operations, Jonah Maddox. “This will be the financial ruin of us, as well as our moral downfall. We’ve been causing all this damage to so many innocent Americans, there’s nothing left for us to do but throw ourselves to the sharks.”

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